tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post1478963491579915495..comments2024-01-02T23:04:02.489-08:00Comments on The Narcissist's Child: Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers Pt 2Sweet Violethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-67968607336116700452013-06-20T17:47:23.428-07:002013-06-20T17:47:23.428-07:00Something that has been on my mind for the last co...Something that has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks, is some certain memories and what they really mean. My mother would not let me bathe myself until I was about 12, when I began to develop breasts. I never knew or understood that other children my age had been bathing themselves and washing their hair for years without their mother's help. I remember telling a friend about it, and she was horrified, and it was in that moment I wanted it to stop. I was beginning to develop, and I didn't want my mother to see my development. That friend went out and told many people, and before long everyone was talking about how my parents sexually abused me behind my back. It wasn't until I left that school due to some very severe issues, that I found out.<br /><br />Keep in mind, I had never washed my own body before in my life, I had never washed my own hair in my life. After my bath, she would also brush my hair for me. When I told her I didn't want it anymore, she acted very angry, very short with me. I was really bad at doing all of these things: leaving shampoo in my hair where it would grease up, and I couldn't brush the rat nest out of my hair on my own. She refused to help me with those things after that. Never got help for it, just got the cold shoulder for saying I didn't want it anymore. A little while after that, I told my sister (GC) how proud I was of my development, how happy to be turning into a woman. GC sister told my mother this, and my mother decided she had to check it out for herself. Both my sister and my mother then forced me into my mother's bedroom, where my mother forced my shirt off, and started to touch my developing breasts and after a few moments, she disdainfully told me that I wasn't developing at all (when I clearly was) and to not get so excited about it. She never got me a training bra until I was about 14, and I never got a new bra until I was 16. When I did, I went from training bra which barely covered my nipples, to a C cup. After my mother discovered how big my breasts were becoming, she made MANY remarks about them. Made me ashamed, and then she would tell me to stand up straight and stick them out, but I was incredibly ashamed. I never protested, I just felt ashamed of how big they were, and how ashamed of the comments she made of them. <br /><br />Eventually, I developed into an F cup, and she wanted me to get breast reduction surgery, but I was only 18 and I didn't want to have scars when I was so young, so I never did it. A couple of years ago I lost a lot of weight (anorexia) and my breasts shrank considerably, and I never did get that big again. A couple of months ago we were in a public place, and she noticed how small they were, and she loudly proclaimed 'good thing we never got you that breast reduction surgery'...that I didn't want. She said it with that sweet smile on her face, but it felt like another jab.<br /><br />I've always thought of these memories as separate anomalies, but I've been really thinking it through and it feels like different sides to the same coin. Just had to get that out of my system.<br /><br />Love these posts, really thought provoking and validating.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-38752773658057627162013-03-27T10:15:37.412-07:002013-03-27T10:15:37.412-07:00I just reread your comment, and have something to ...I just reread your comment, and have something to add. My mother does falls under the generational view of stuff as well. She saves everything! I recently saw on fb that she gave my teen cousin a calendar that I had bought her from back in 1997 when I was in high school. A calendar!?! I see it as junk. I am more of a get rid of stuff I don't use or like to switch things up and buy new stuff.<br /><br />Oh, and she is overly sensitive about the gifts she buys but thinks nothing of selling or getting rid of the gifts given to her. Ugh. <br /><br />Again, thank you so much for your insight. Being a daughter of a NM is so hard! I'm so thankful to have found other people who have gone through similar! My whole life and my issues makes so much sense now.Jayminoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-68028810903888646092013-03-27T10:05:13.663-07:002013-03-27T10:05:13.663-07:00Thank you so much! You totally hit the nail on th...Thank you so much! You totally hit the nail on the head. By rejecting the gift, I am rejecting her! What a ridiculous way to live! My mom is in her early 50s and is completely engulfing. <br /><br />You are also right about the agenda. I am currently NC, but seem to get a text or phone message from her during the holidays or birthday. Speaking as if nothing had ever happened and asking what my young daughters need/want. It's her way of trying to get back into my (our) lives by way of gifts. Just as you said in other posts, because we have manners, we have to be appreciative or thankful of gifts or kind gestures. I think I've finally gotten to the point where I allow myself to not feel the need to thank her or reciprocate. Thanks to helpful websites like yours! My husband though, sneaks birthday cards to them behind my back. Ugh. He says he doesn't want me to burn any bridges, I don't think he realizes or understands how completely serious I am about this NC. I've done it so many times before, but it's like something has finally clicked in my head - she will never change...let her go forever. And I feel so much better about everything.<br /><br />Anyhow, thank you so much for your insight. xoJayminoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-46318637106596256812013-03-26T23:30:29.631-07:002013-03-26T23:30:29.631-07:00She may see the gifts as extensions of herself and...She may see the gifts as extensions of herself and, in losing or disposing of her gifts, you are symbolically rejecting her. <br /><br />You don't say how old she is, but it may also be a generational thing. When I was growing up (1950s and 60s) money (and credit) were much less available than today and people were much more frugal. Gifts, therefore, were generally treasured by the recipient (especially if they were "good" gifts--nice clothes that fit, decor items that worked with the decor, jewellery, appliances, etc.) because they were things the recipient might not be able to afford to buy themselves. Also, even today, people often treasure otherwise useless items for no reason other than it once belonged to someone beloved. So, your NM may very well have that kind of mindset where gifts are concerned and views your loss or disposal of a gift as a rejection of her...she may also view you as unappreciative as a result and start giving you worse gifts than in the past, reasoning that if you are irresponsible enough to lose things, she just won't "throw good money after bad."<br /><br />My NM's gifts, rare as they were, were always cheap and had an agenda attached to them. You may also be dealing with that: your Ns may be giving you gifts as a way to soften you up for something else (like taking care of them in their old age--or worse) and if you are rejecting their gifts (which is most likely their interpretation of what you are doing because if you treasured them, they would be on display in your house or you would wear them and/or know exactly where they are at any moment), they will think you are rejecting THEM, which means they aren't making any headway in their plans.<br /><br />Ns are also often deficient in manners, even as they expect others to have great ones. One Christmas I watchen my NMIL and her GC son unwrapping gifts: her son (a millionaire) gave her round-trip tickets to Paris (her place of birth) and she was disappointed: she had expected a piece of expensive jewellery; she gave her son a pullover sweater in a "modern art" motif (he likes modern art) and he didn't like it and minced no words in his rejection of it. Despite having just rejected his gift, she had tears in her eyes as he rejected hers! And she never DID get that her son might have felt the same way over her reaction to his gift! <br /><br />In a nutshell, if you reject their gift (which is how they perceive your not using or wearing it or your losing or disposing of it), you reject them. Sweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-24026159021035568032013-03-26T13:37:29.030-07:002013-03-26T13:37:29.030-07:00I realize I'm a bit late to the game here, but...I realize I'm a bit late to the game here, but I just discovered your website. I see my mother in so much of what I've read! Oh my gosh. I do have a question: my mom (and dad) are super crazy about gifts that they have given me. Often asking about a certain pillow or shirt or whatever months or years later. If I don't know where it is or I have gotten rid of it, then she gets super sensitive acting as if I'm so uncaring and how could I possibly get rid of a gift that she has given me?! Is that a form of what you are discussing here? You think?<br /><br />Jayminoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-17001084084097317002012-07-13T22:58:11.364-07:002012-07-13T22:58:11.364-07:00That's the idea--to inspire others to do the s...That's the idea--to inspire others to do the same.<br /><br />I know a lot of women who have N mothers and many of them quail from fully accepting the reality of their mothers--and without that acceptance, they continue to hope their mothers will magically "wake up" and become the mother they have always needed. This makes them vulnerable to the predations of the N.<br /><br />By stepping into the shoes I present here, by taking the examples I present and then searching for like examples in their own lives, hopefully these women will find the clarity necessary to accept that there is no magic, NM will never change for the better, and so become better able to protect themselves.<br /><br />Thanks for writing and please feel free to subscribe so you can get automatic notification of subsequent posts.<br /><br />Part 3 is almost finished and will be published soon.Sweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-51376046304933282772012-07-13T16:01:02.762-07:002012-07-13T16:01:02.762-07:00Nice idea, Violet, to take each tenet of the doctr...Nice idea, Violet, to take each tenet of the doctrine of the NM and situate it in your own life. This would be a useful exercise for all of us to do, I think. I will explore part three when it's posted! Cal's SisCalibans Sisterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04817489284771105048noreply@blogger.com