tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post1687952057893912387..comments2024-01-02T23:04:02.489-08:00Comments on The Narcissist's Child: The good, the bad, the ugly: Therapy and Therapists Sweet Violethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comBlogger9125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-75093061511766063332016-12-26T09:35:54.508-08:002016-12-26T09:35:54.508-08:00There is a huge difference between "want"...There is a huge difference between "want" and "need." And you need to be able to articulate why you don't want your therapist anymore because a lot of people start to feel this way just when they most need the therapy. That is because as the therapy is working, you begin seeing things you never saw before, you start feeling feelings you have kept buried and you start facing the facts of your existence that you have avoided and buried for all these years. People want to leave therapy just when it starts working because it calls up a lot of pain and anger and resentment that they have kept at bay up to this point.<br /><br />How do you know you don't need a therapist anymore? When the anger and the pain and the resentment and the fear are gone. When you can stand in front of your raging Narcissist parent and not be hurt or afraid by their words. When you can let go of the the people who takes your N's side against you, who have betrayed you, and you feel calm and confident and justified. As long as your emotions run high, however, you need support and that is just what your therapist is there for.<br /><br />Please buy a copy of M. Scott Peck's book "People of the Lie" and read it. I think you are misunderstanding what the "identified patient" is and Peck's book explains it well, along with many other things. Peck was a psychiatrist.<br /><br />Sweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-68093443544111473882016-12-25T19:47:36.362-08:002016-12-25T19:47:36.362-08:00I have a question about therapy. I relate to this ...I have a question about therapy. I relate to this blog very much, so I guess I'm the "identified patient" of an undiagnosed NM. I went non contact six months ago, but my NM only noticed two months ago, because she was playing some childish game with me at the time. This week my father said that he will have to cut communication with me and his two young grandsons, because or relationship is upsetting my NM. He begged me to just go back and explain to my NM why I have made this decision, because she just doesn't understand. I said good bye to my father, instead, and let him know that I'll be here of he wants to get in touch.<br /> I have been seeing a therapist now for almost six years. I would have left ages ago, but my husband insists. I guess I'm making progress, but I resent my therapist. I'm currently on medication for anxiety, and I want off that, too. My therapist initially said I had DID, but changed to DDNOS. I feel so confused. I want to know when you know that you don't need a therapist any more, because I don't want my therapist any more. AlWalnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-38941460020323221022014-03-29T18:11:23.110-07:002014-03-29T18:11:23.110-07:00My mother is a hoarder and possibly NM. Her mother...My mother is a hoarder and possibly NM. Her mother was not a hoarder but was definitely NM. <br /><br />My mother was the scapegoat and her brother was the golden child. <br /><br />I was the scapegoat in my family of four siblings. There are two GC, and one lost child. Of the two GC, one has N tendencies (but I don't think is fully N), and is in a relationship with a N. The other GC is codependent, but too young to tell how she'll end up long term. <br /><br />I will not abuse my children. I'm aware of the tendencies I may have, and I will fight them. I will talk about them. I will stop them. <br /><br />These games stop with this generation. No more emotional blackmail. No more manipulation. No more narcissism. No more codependents. <br /><br />No more. <br /><br />I was a scapegoat and I believe it is possible to move past it and be a kickass mom and I'm gonna do it. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-75286060416732027782013-12-16T05:58:25.176-08:002013-12-16T05:58:25.176-08:00I have to say I was fortunate to find the right th...I have to say I was fortunate to find the right therapist the first time out. While she did not "diagnose" my NM, she did help me to realize (over time) that 1. I had been abused, 2. My mother was different, 3. That I had the power to change myself, not NM. She also gave me great tools for setting boundaries and dealing with depression. I still use these tools today, 8yrs later. She also helped me learn about how/why I kept attracting abusive people. I never felt judged, or that she did not get what I was talking about. She also made sure to let me know what I was doing right, which helped me feel like maybe I wasn't so bad off after all. All of this and the word "narcissist" was never used. I didn't know about N at the time, but I give her much credit for being ethical and not stepping outside of bounds. At the time I wasn't strong enough to take all of her advice, but I never forgot it and it did wind up coming in handy later, when I was actually ready to go NC.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-77726795374603545652013-11-11T11:00:07.065-08:002013-11-11T11:00:07.065-08:00As a therapist (and daughter of a NM), I really ap...As a therapist (and daughter of a NM), I really appreciate your thoughts about utilizing therapy and also being a wise consumer of therapy. As a counselor educator who trains new therapists, I would also add that a therapist who seems bad may really be more "new" and relatively naive. Many masters and Phd programs give students a broad overview of how to do therapy and expose them to theories of therapy, but devote little time to addressing specific issues. I learned nothing in my masters program about helping children of NPs and have only learned how to help through my own experiences and all the reading I've done about this issue. Given the costs of therapy, many people end up with student therapists or brand new therapists who haven't learned about this stuff yet. The therapists may have a sunny idea about family and how everything can be worked out with "good communication," which, as we all know, isn't the case with NPs. I concur that it's good to interview the therapists, look for therapists skilled with NPD (and other personality disorders) and those who understand what children of NPs go through. These are rare, so my next best suggestion is to look for a therapist who has the capacity to really listen, is willing to read up on this and learn more, who at least understands dysfunctional families, and who can provide a "corrective emotional experience" of treating children of NPs entirely differently than their NPs did. mlnhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09114197484008775023noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-46734731330397722032013-10-30T23:51:38.566-07:002013-10-30T23:51:38.566-07:00If you don't make an effort you are GUARANTEED...If you don't make an effort you are GUARANTEED to stay stuck right where you are...at best. At worst, you can get worse and worse until you are too ill to function.<br /><br />The problem is, you aren't shoppingg for your therapist, you are seizing the first one you find. Would you do that if you were shopping for a dress or a car or a house? Or would you look at a lot of them...try on some dresses, test drive a few cars? If you were shopping for a dress for a specific reason, like to attend a wedding, wouldn't you have some idea of what you wanted in that dress? Long/short, bare shoulders and arms/covered up, winter/summer style or fabric, daytime/evening look, etc... So why are you settling in with a therapist for a year without having a set of criteria of what you are looking for and then interviewing them to see if they fit?<br /><br />The best way to find an appropriate therapist is to determine what you think you need, write down the criteria, write down some questions for the therapist, then you go interview him/her, just like they were job applicants. When you think you have found a good one, book a session but determine that you are going to stay only 3 months, at which time you will evaluate the therapist. At the end of 3 months, ask yourself "is she validating? Does she have a clue about NPD or at least emotional abuse of a child? Is she empathetic or is she enabling?" I am sure you can think of other questions that are important to you, personally.<br /><br />If the therapist doesn't measure up, then you should interview other therapists until you find a reasonable fit. Don't expect a perfect fit...that is unreasonable...but expect to find someone who will stretch to meet your needs and expect to adapt somewhat to the therapist's style. <br /><br />But to avoid therapy because you had an unsatisfactory experience is akin to avoiding sex because your partner didn't give you an orgasm: YOU are just as responsible for yourself and your pleasure as your partner is, and if you quit after just once, you don't give yourself a chance to get it right. Your partner may need a new technique, additional empathy, or more knowledge...or YOU may need a new partner. Therapy is no different: not every therapist is right for every client. If one doesn't work out, take responsibility for your having chosen one who didn't work out and for letting it go on so long...then refine your selection techniques and try again.<br /><br />You won't get better if you don't and I presume that is what you want: to feel better about yourself and your life. If you fail to take this step, you put your son in the situation of having a depressed parent who doesn't take the responsibility for improving the situation: what does this teach a child and what kind of pathologies are you giving him to follow him into adulthood?<br /><br />For yourself and your son, get back in the saddle, find a new therapist and take control of your life...and stay away from your NM!!<br /><br />Hugs<br /><br />VioletSweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-45256077843845559182013-10-30T23:15:04.015-07:002013-10-30T23:15:04.015-07:00I had a wonderful therapist. Then I moved. I caved...I had a wonderful therapist. Then I moved. I caved to my NM's wishes and moved 9 hours home. I went through one crappy counselor there before my soon to be wife and at that point bff called me up and said she was going to get me and our son out of there after listening to me crying the night before about how the only way I could make my NM happy would be if I were to kill myself. So I moved 3 hours away to be with her and it's been wonderful. Unfortunately, I can't find a single therapist who understands what an NP can do to a child, much less the pathologies that follow them into adulthood. I was with my most recent therapist for a year until I recognized a pattern of dismissal with her. I'm terrified of finding a new therapist because I don't want to deal with yet another person who disinterestedly listens to me while making judgements about me that aren't helpful and also because I miss my old therapist so much it hurts sometimes because I was finally starting to feel better. Worst part is that she expressed concern when I told her of my plans to move. I just don't know if I have the emotional energy to sit down with yet another person and tell them all about my scars and the progress I've made in the past only to feel like I'm complaining when I have no right to. Ugh.Aiméehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07051512764320041719noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-66396878293712880222013-10-15T19:42:16.868-07:002013-10-15T19:42:16.868-07:00Therapy has been incredible for me! My favorite p...Therapy has been incredible for me! My favorite part of therapy is when she calls me out on my own shit. It's so helpful and I respect her so I'm able to take it all in and learn from it. I think respect is the most important part of having the right therapist!Jayminoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-8509193054749166102013-10-10T15:49:00.770-07:002013-10-10T15:49:00.770-07:00Amen, Violet. I'm with you on this, and it...Amen, Violet. I'm with you on this, and it's an important point to argue. Therapists, like other professionals, are people, and there must be the right 'fit' or it just won't work. But clients as well must be willing to go to uncomfortable places and work through the pain. This is a terrific post. hugs, CSCalibans Sisterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04817489284771105048noreply@blogger.com