tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post3736970738236089784..comments2024-01-02T23:04:02.489-08:00Comments on The Narcissist's Child: Demeaning, criticism and denigration: Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers Pt 5Sweet Violethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comBlogger14125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-85290142413844057282018-01-16T07:16:57.774-08:002018-01-16T07:16:57.774-08:00Sounds like my NM only mine admittedly uses alcoho...Sounds like my NM only mine admittedly uses alcohol as a means to "say things I wouldn't otherwise dare" and abuse women and children. My daughter recently died at 20 as a result of sudden onset of bipolar mental illness but had been a wonderful kid, generous, cheerful, loving, and excellent student. My NM never had any use for her and no matter how good my sweet girl was, my NM would counter with some negativity (i.e., she was "manipulative" as a newborn, spent too much time ogling toys in the store at age 7 or ate too much as a adolescent). Now my NM rubs my nose in the wonderful relationship she develops for a few hours with a construction worker's daughter or whatever strangers she encounters. I asked her not to because it breaks my heart to hear about other people's daughters but that only encouraged her to do it every time I speak to her and when I remind her that her granddaughter was an exemplary sweet child, she counters that she wasn't in the end and reminds me that she died of drugs and NOT alcohol as if to justify and glorify her drinking at my deceased daughter's expense. She also continues to denigrate Americans even though I'm an American married to an American with American children and the more I remind her that it was her choice to marry an American, have an American kid and that her bigotry is hurtful, the more she does it. But now that she continues to criticize my beloved daughter in the same breath as telling me has given family gifts (including one of my daughter's gifts to her) to strangers' children, I am filled with animosity and excruciating pain. I honestly think that I will celebrate this woman's death even though I once adored her and proved at an early age to be repeatedly willing to lay down my life for her but that's another story. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-74599291944792228542017-03-03T04:50:49.356-08:002017-03-03T04:50:49.356-08:00My N-step monster has her hooks into my adult brot...My N-step monster has her hooks into my adult brother. Her & my Nf raised my brother but not me. Now my bro is swimming in low self esteem & lack of confidence. He is an on & off drug addict in & out of prison. They also raised bro 2 kids now they are in early 20's and drugging & running the streets! I seem to be the only one who sees a pattern. NM is insane with the alcoholic step sister can do no wrong but bro must make restitution for every wrong step. He has literally rebuilt most of the family home & all of a 2story shop but is denied a stabled place to lay his head or a pack of smokes once in awhile! I try to pick up the pieces but i get so blown away but the level of hate spewing from this woman. I pray alot!! She even picks fights with very I'll Nfather. She left him Christmas day to sit at her daughters complaining that she's unappreciated & unwanted. The temper tantrums are epic!! Then the woe is me, serve your dying patriarch gets pretty intense too. Disfunctional & discombobulated. I just try to keep up & keep my brother alive. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-62094477958290313642016-06-04T12:05:50.776-07:002016-06-04T12:05:50.776-07:00You have braved it all sweet violet. Proud of u !...You have braved it all sweet violet. Proud of u !! Keep writing , enlightening and inspiring others !!Sukhhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13158628570530141548noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-34629003594260967772014-09-02T22:59:18.599-07:002014-09-02T22:59:18.599-07:00There are other, healthier ways to deal with this ...There are other, healthier ways to deal with this than isolating yourself from relationships. I found a great deal of value with an empathetic therapist who had a lot of experience in helping women who came from abusive, dysfunctional familes. I would recommend you look into it...it is NEVER too late to be whole and to enjoy both life and love.Sweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-65646992885084172014-09-02T20:20:28.746-07:002014-09-02T20:20:28.746-07:00Yes I think the fact that the abuse sets you up fo...Yes I think the fact that the abuse sets you up for a life time of narcissistic relationships is unfair. It is like being in her abusive relationship prison with a life sentence. I just wish there was a way to transform the pattern. As for my mother she was and is far more abusive then the profile and those above! <br />I am not trying to be competitive just stating a fact. If life is kind I hope to never see her again with the occasional quick hi email or phone call.<br />I refuse to be in relationships at all because my pattern is strong and affects working environments and most relationships in my life.<br />The narcissists come out the wood work. Lucky I love nature the ultimate relationship and escape from this pattern.<br />I never had children as my mother never failed to remind me of the fact she hated them should never had them especially me!<br />The fact I am soo single and childless really hurts my mother now. I am not the type of person to get pleasure from others pain although this to me is her karma. And even though I would never hurt her she knows what it is to hurt from something I have done and that to me is justice. Forgive me if this sound sic.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-66898014838459075642014-08-27T05:48:57.818-07:002014-08-27T05:48:57.818-07:00I whole heartedly agree that if you have a NM that...I whole heartedly agree that if you have a NM that you draw others to you - that's all I have ever known is to take the verbal, emotional, physical and spiritual abuse that comes along with it. I too am 60+ and I have lived with it every day. I never had any dreams, aspirations or right to make a decision about my life. Everyone else has done that for me and it's just been a struggle for existance. The control and abuse sometimes overwhelms me.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-88676753055722141832014-05-10T20:23:19.814-07:002014-05-10T20:23:19.814-07:00I recently discovered the concept of Narcissistic ...I recently discovered the concept of Narcissistic Mothers: alas it describes mine to a 't'. She has spent her whole life spitting out criticisms of others- usually her children, except for her chosen one- and seeing herself as a victim. Today I lost patience after she launched a diatribe against my sister. Horrid. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-39565257823724444012013-11-03T17:57:37.867-08:002013-11-03T17:57:37.867-08:00Oh MY DEAR GOD!!!
You described my BNM to a tee!
I...Oh MY DEAR GOD!!!<br />You described my BNM to a tee!<br />I LOVE you--how did you know this?<br />Yes, I know you suffered the same. It's just so uncanny.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-16189177948650463202012-11-16T00:48:03.429-08:002012-11-16T00:48:03.429-08:00I saw the movie and thought exactly the same! My h...I saw the movie and thought exactly the same! My husband, who never met my NM (but who has met my Ndaughter) didn't seem surprised when I said it was a fairy-tale version of my early years(I have told him about my NM and he believes me--he trusts me, so he believes me). And yes, whoever scripted this movie MUST have had an NM or NGM or NMIL...there is just so little other explanation for the dead-on portrayals, right down to keeping Rapunzel dangerously naive of the reality of the world outside her tower.<br /><br />Just got back from a five day holiday to visit inlaws (who are great people--not at all like NM) so I will resume writing today. Next topic--Low Contact.<br /><br />Thanks for reading and commenting!<br /><br />Hugs,<br /><br />VioletSweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-87494464132100279452012-11-15T18:36:30.019-08:002012-11-15T18:36:30.019-08:00I don't doubt you're beautiful, Violet - h...I don't doubt you're beautiful, Violet - had you been plain or ordinary, she would not have put so much energy into brainwashing you into thinking otherwise or trying to 'delay' your blossoming into a woman and then resenting you for the inevitable! Also, 66 is not old :) By the way, have you seen the Disney film 'Tangled'? The whole time I was watching, I kept thinking 'whoever wrote this must have experience with an N-'mother'. <br /><br />http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ip_0CFKTO9E<br /><br />It's not here in the trailer, but the Rapunzel character is kept prisoner by a woman pretending to be her mother, who needs to keep her there to hold onto her own youth. Please watch if you haven't, and tell me if you think the same as I did! <br /><br />Reading this blog voraciously and loving it, by the way. Hope you consider compiling all the great material you have here into a book one day :)<br /><br />Hugs back, <br /><br />LolaLolanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-89969900592827171072012-11-15T00:29:03.258-08:002012-11-15T00:29:03.258-08:00Yup--they are warped, all right.
When I look at p...Yup--they are warped, all right.<br /><br />When I look at pictures of me when I was a young woman, sometimes I don't recognize myself. I see pictures of an extremely attractive young woman, not the Plain Jane I remember seeing in the mirror way back then.<br /><br />Today I am old--almost 66--but most people think I am closer to 50. My husband is 40. He tells me I am beautiful (I am seriously overweight) and I have reason to think he is lying to me...and yet there in the mirror is that Plain Jane, the ugly duckling...all these years, all this healing, and still bits of debris still cling to me.<br /><br />But it is SOOOO much better than it used to be. And it continues to improve, day by day...<br /><br />Hang in there--and keep ignoring her voice in your head--sounds to me like you are doing well and there is no reason that you cannot continue to do better and better...<br /><br />Hugs,<br /><br />VioletSweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-34099516470786482482012-11-14T20:32:31.131-08:002012-11-14T20:32:31.131-08:00Do these witches come off the same production line...Do these witches come off the same production line or what?! I remember my N-monster smirking as she selected photographs to send to my Aunt in the US, and she turned one around (it was of me and her) to show she'd written on it 'Beauty and the beast'. I was already a very insecure outcast (also not allowed to shave legs, armpits, wear clothes that didn't look like they were for an eight-year-old instead of a teenager) and once she saw the stricken look on my face, her lips stretched into an even wider smile and she said 'oh I was only KIDDING. Fine, *I'm* the beast.' She wasn't wrong about that. Fast forward a few years later, I had no idea how beautiful I actually was due to all her put-downs and insults. My height made me ungainly and a 'hunchback', my hair was all wrong, etc etc. And she was enraged and obsessed when I got a modelling gig that she found out about. I did a swim-wear shoot for a glossy magazine and she went ballistic. She purchased copies and came home screaming about the 'shame' and 'embarrassment' - you'd think it was hard-core porn the way she went on about it. In fact it was a very innocent and typical fashion-spread of swimwear and summer-wear shoot at an upscale country club. She had really got it into my head that I was awkward and ugly that I was baffled when approached by a casting agent, but thought 'what the hell, I need extra money'. She also had me believe that my N-sis, her little golden witch was the pretty one. Now I can see objectively that she is a plain-jane, but once, a friend who turned out to be at the same university asked me to describe her. I said 'oh she's SO beautiful - she's the pretty one in the family.' He stared at me and said; 'Sorry Lola, but she's OK, kind of average if you ask me'. It was my turn to stare back at him, because my N-monster used to always go on about her 'good looks' and talk in detail about how she was going to enter her in beauty pageants, and what song she would play at the pageant when my N-sis made her entrance and so on. Totally warped, huh.Lolanoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-39712619193245675282012-07-26T01:11:20.933-07:002012-07-26T01:11:20.933-07:00You are exactly right.
If you spoke to my GC Bro ...You are exactly right.<br /><br />If you spoke to my GC Bro about our NM, he would say "oh, she could be vindictive at times..." In fact, he said exactly those words to me in our last phone conversation shortly after she died almost 15 years ago. That was it--faced with being executor of her will in which I was disinherited, he could only acknowledge her being "vindictive at times." The fact that she was not "vindictive" to him and that he was in possession of a will in which I was disinherited meant that he couldn't completely ignore the fact that she could behave in such a way, but he certainly could minimize it!<br /><br />My NM liked to play her children against each other. Not being an N myself, I find it difficult to grasp what she got out of it, but obviously she got something because she did it her entire life. Is it possible your NM is fully cognizant of what she is doing to the relationship between her daughters and gets something out of it?<br /><br />Mine was also passive aggressive but not so much as my ex NH...he was a master at it! But I have to agree with you--exposing a masterful narcissist to the world for what they are is not an easy task--they present so well, and their actions are so often so deniable, that people who do not experience their nastiness simply cannot believe what we try to tell them.<br /><br />I cannot speak for you, but I grew up in a time when most mothers stayed home and maternal love was a foregone conclusion. Mine worked outside the home and she was perceived as "sacrificing" her time with us to help provide for us--and so when I presented with ugly lash marks all over my legs and buttocks, it did not occur to people that mine was a brutal narcissist of a mother: no, *I* must be an awful, awful child to have provoked my loving, self-sacrificing mother into punishing me thus. If only they could have lived behind my eyes for a week or two...Sweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-71327995084920613512012-07-25T07:59:53.969-07:002012-07-25T07:59:53.969-07:00Violet,
What you describe above resonates with dee...Violet,<br />What you describe above resonates with deeply. My mother is very similar to yours. She has written me out of her will, guaranteeing that there will be strife between my sisters and me long after she is gone. And yet she pretends to be an expert on generational legacy; but she cares nothing about the damage she is doing to her daughters' relationship with each other. It's a sick, twisted thing. She has been an ignoring neglectful malignant narcissist my entire life. World class passive aggressive too. It is very difficult with such mothers because they can present so well to others, and because they get to dump out their toxic garbage on one child, the others don't experience it the same way, setting you up to not be believed. It's amazing such people can think of themselves as "maternal," since they are anything but.Calibans Sisterhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04817489284771105048noreply@blogger.com