tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post4944209069268223049..comments2024-01-02T23:04:02.489-08:00Comments on The Narcissist's Child: The Scapegoat Picks a Partner Sweet Violethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comBlogger7125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-90488560414147257962017-05-02T01:13:18.111-07:002017-05-02T01:13:18.111-07:00I fell hook line and sinker for a sociopath. It sh...I fell hook line and sinker for a sociopath. It should come to this forum as no surprise, that i am the scapegoat child of a Narc Mom. <br /><br />oh how i fell for his lies. He didnt call me for days after our first meeting, and yet i remained hopeful. He could never commit. He said the right things and boy was he charming...<br /><br />But one day, just for an instant, the mask slipped. I Saw the monster beneath. And i ran. I have never looked back.<br /><br />Funnily only after that experience - and with a LOT of work with a counselor - i realised that my mom is a Narc. It all makes sense now.<br /><br />I've been single for a year and i'm slowly finding myself. After years of self doubt, crippling insecurity and unhappiness, i'm strong and positive. I'm in my late 30s now and worry sometimes about being single, but for the most part, i'm okay.<br /><br />Better to be this way, than still enmeshed with the Narc Mom. I dont have much contact with her, and when i do, its very superficial. She's too busy showering praise and attention onto her golden child. That suits me fine. My sibling and i have no relationship and i dont believe we will ever have one. It saddens me, but i keep telling myself that i have freed my heart - and i'm saving it for the love i deserve.<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-51819356344413629222014-02-24T07:40:55.340-08:002014-02-24T07:40:55.340-08:00I wish I knew about N yrs. ago. When I think of h...I wish I knew about N yrs. ago. When I think of how many huge red flags, sirens really, I ignored it is hard to believe. But being trained by an N made me feel it was OK to remain in a situation where I was being used and abused. It was on me to do better and "fix" things. I have been single by choice for 12 yrs now, and it almost seems like another woman who allowed men to do and say these things to her, but keep going back with that humble smile on her face. If I said no to sex and he threatened rape I gave in. If he did not have a job, food or a car, I stepped in. I actually tried to convince others that these losers were good guys, and further humiliated myself, as others could clearly see the truth and I couldn't. I still fight daily to forgive myself for treating myself that way.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-63004955981708148242014-02-07T16:02:39.691-08:002014-02-07T16:02:39.691-08:00Wow, Sadie, reading about your experience was help...Wow, Sadie, reading about your experience was helpful to me. I haven't been in your exact situation but after reading what you said I realize eason I've ended up with so many N-men. I react to their shortcomings and blatant unpleasantness the way you described: by ignoring any problems as if they don't exist. I also have tended to enter into the fantasy world and accept whatever excuses they offer for their shortcomings. I was trained in childhood not to see anything but what I was told was happening. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-44053826051231472402014-02-06T23:12:26.611-08:002014-02-06T23:12:26.611-08:00I am going to have to disagree with you, Sadie. My...I am going to have to disagree with you, Sadie. My brother-in-law married at 23. He was a university graduate and was already working in his first job. By 24 he owned a condo and was a father. It is entirely possible to find men in your age bracket who are able to be self-supporting and have their feet firmly on the path to being responsible wage-earning family men. And you do yourself a disservice to settle for anything less.<br /><br />I agree that is can be difficult, in your age group, to discern which guys are on the upward path, but there are clues...like not having his own car and living with his mother. But there are others as well: is he 20 and his ambition is to make his awful garage band famous? Probably not a good choice. Is he earning money illegally, selling drugs or scamming people or hacking other people's accounts? Not a good choice. Does he have a dead-end job (flipping burgers, bike messenger, vacuum cleaner demonstrator) and he has no firm ambitions for improving his lot in life...or those ambitions aren't particularly likely to result in becoming a man who can support a family? Poor choice. When we hook up with a boyfriend, we can not tell in advance which guy will touch that special place in our hearts that admits him to "I wanna marry this guy" status...and because of that, I think it is a bad idea to even date men whose current life doesn't bespeak a future as a man who can support a family.<br /><br />If he's 22, drives a beater, dropped out of college, works flipping burgers and talks about writing the "Great American novel" but can't write a coherent sentence and spends his downtime smoking dope and playing GTA, chances are he is a bad, bad choice for a boyfriend. If he's 22, drives a beater, is pursuing his Master's, works part time as in intern in a reputable firm and has plans and goals that could lead him to a decent job and lifestyle in a few years, then that's a guy who might be worth investing some time in. <br /><br />I know it sounds mercenary, but it's not. It is not only the rest of your life you are dealing with, but the futures of any children you may bring into the world. If you simply assess men early on and refuse to get involved with guys who are "bad news," guys who obviously have no realistic, achievable ambitions to be fully fledged adults in our society, you narrow your playing field to men who have the best chances of being good husbands (and fathers). And these are things you can pretty much tell about a man in his early 20s. You shouldn't give a guy a free pass to be a bum just because he's young. Young bums grow up to be middle-aged and then old bums and nobody needs that kind of albatross around her neck.Sweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-61886245865910436032014-02-06T19:44:59.466-08:002014-02-06T19:44:59.466-08:00I do have one tiny point of disagreement - just ab...I do have one tiny point of disagreement - just about financial security. I think this is good advice in general, but is one of the few points that varies a lot more based on one's situation. Basically I think that point is VERY true if you are older and perhaps established yourself, and/or want to have kids and want a man who can support you and your kids. I think it's a little different for someone my age (I'm 22) and someone like me who never wants kids.<br /><br />Most men my age aren't totally financially stable, or if they are, they're stable enough to provide for themselves but not a whole family. Hell, I'm stable enough to provide for myself right now but not for a family or spouse. My NM raised me to believe (by example) that marriage is for money and affairs are for attraction/love, so I've done my fair share of dating men more financially secure than myself. And I think this advice, while totally sound for others, can be flipped on its head a bit for people my age.<br /><br />For me, the ideal is probably to date a man who can support himself but is not yet established enough to support me + children + pets + buy a house or whatever else. I say this because I have yet to meet a man my own age who can do all these things! And when I have tried dating men older than myself who are already established and secure, it becomes very clear that this is a recipe for an older man who wants a young "sugar baby" or, even if I never mention money once, basically wants a younger woman that he can control with his age and his money.<br /><br />Probably the most narcissist-filled demographic of men who want to date me, is older men who can financially support me. Because most of them, if they weren't controlling/narcissistic, would want to date an established woman their own age who shares more life experiences with them and is closer to their maturity level.<br /><br />So yeah, great advice for women who are at an age that it is normal to be established/secure. But I think women my age should be more concerned with finding someone at a similar life and maturity level, and realize the people who can give them total financial security might be inappropriate for them at this point in their lives. Of course, I wouldn't advocate any woman (other than a 16-maybe 19 year old) date a dude whose living with his parents and has no car and job. That's always been bad news in my experience.<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />SadieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-8149330760890205512014-02-06T19:26:21.965-08:002014-02-06T19:26:21.965-08:00At the time I had no idea why this happened to me ...At the time I had no idea why this happened to me more than my friends (and why even a few of my girlfriends had incredibly infuriating narcissistic tendencies of their own!) I didn't put the pieces together until I looked back on my time experiencing sex trafficking - although I was the victim of sex trafficking, within the experience itself, I was abused much less than the others. And that was when I realized narcissists are attracted to us too, because we have been trained to please them and we inherently piss them off less than any "normal" person would. And so, finding that we ruffle their feathers and threaten their egos less than normal people, they can easily become obsessed with owning us. This can be a problem when you're trying to stop picking narcissists but they aren't willing to stop picking us!<br /><br />One example of this: one of the most common times for prostitutes or sex slaves to be beaten, even murdered, is when a john has trouble staying erect. I encountered this many times but was never abused for it once. When speaking with some of the other girls I realized the difference. They had behaved like a normal person might - trying to de-escalate things by solving the problem. They would ask the men if this was a regular problem and if so how they usually got around it? Which would be well and good except narcissists don't actually want you to fix their problems - by even acknowledging that they have a problem, you set them off on a narcissistic rage.<br /><br />(And without a doubt, most johns are narcissists. Who else would regularly cheat on their wife, exposing her to all sorts of unknown diseases? Who else would take pleasure in having sex with someone they know is probably pimped out? Who else would take more pleasure in buying and owning someone's body than having consensual/enthusiastic sex? I think any of us here could answer those questions quite easily!)<br /><br />But because of how I was trained by my mother, I instinctively knew how to handle those situations. If possible, ignore it, and pretend you didn't even realize that they were having a problem! If possible, fully flip reality on its head. Praise their machismo and stamina and virility even as they are having really obvious ED problems. If they bring it up, pretend that it's your fault, say it happens all the time to you and you know it's you that aren't doing this right and you are so very sorry and you know that it isn't their fault.<br /><br />That's what I naturally did and it kept me from being abused in what is frequently a very dangerous situation. I think this logic and type of interaction can certainly apply to other victims of narcissists, in normal and consensual dating and friendship relationships. (Note: I included some of the details I did because I felt they were relevant to my thoughts about this issue. If this is too adult or graphic I will completely understand if you don't publish this. I will include my other thoughts in a separate comment to make that easier if desired. I just want to make it really clear that I only want to share these thoughts if they're welcome here, and in no way am I trying to offend or trigger anyone. I say this because I'm pretty sure I was banned from the first forum I tried to join for talking about this kinda thing (I think it was just called DONM forum?) and I don't want to make that mistake again or cross lines.)<br /><br />Sincerely,<br />SadieAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-36979658015562386642014-02-06T19:24:13.777-08:002014-02-06T19:24:13.777-08:00Warning: May include triggering content
Wow, I on...Warning: May include triggering content<br /><br />Wow, I only recently discovered your blog, and already you make a post like this, that is so important and that I have so many feelings about. It's like you're a mindreader!<br /><br />I struggled with this issue a lot when I was newly independent. I was always more attracted to narcissists than to healthy normal people. Luckily, I was one of the few to luck into a good relationship before spending years in therapy unraveling my issues. For me, it came down to one thing: when in the presence of narcissists, I always, ALWAYS get terrible anxiety and adrenaline based nausea and become about a thousand times less confident. Now before I learnt about all this stuff, I thought the problem was me and that a loser like me couldn't handle being in the presence of greatness (God, I was so brainwashed!) But eventually I just couldn't handle feeling like that all the time and I gave up dating men like that and I started dating men to whom I was less attracted but who made me comfortable - that was the key.<br /><br />I totally agree that we can be subconsciously drawn to narcissistic partners, and you've done a great job identifying why better than I could. I have noticed another trend too though and I'm curious if you have noticed it too. I feel like not only can we be attracted to narcissistic people, narcissistic people are attracted to us like a moth to a flame. Even when I vowed to cut anyone who made me feel insecure/nauseous/terrible out of my life, I found myself pursued, sometimes stalked! by narcissists. I found myself abused and even became a victim of sex trafficking by a narcissistic monster, totally against my will and without my affection/consent.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com