tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post6335821891543358765..comments2024-01-02T23:04:02.489-08:00Comments on The Narcissist's Child: “I can’t!”Sweet Violethttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comBlogger8125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-40986520840324617762012-10-03T23:36:01.216-07:002012-10-03T23:36:01.216-07:00Wow! You must have a loooong neck!! I am impressed...Wow! You must have a loooong neck!! I am impressed!<br /><br />It is all about empowerment, Charity. You cannot fix anything if you don't feel like you have the power to do it, and telling ourselves we "can't" do things takes out power away. It is therefore important for us to be clear on what we truly cannot do--like changing another person--and what we have been unwilling to do...like stand up to an NM and stop letting her run our lives.<br /><br />I am not saying there will be no consequences to changing things, because there probably will be: NM will change tactics, start hoovering or browbeating or something else, when you upset her apple cart by doing something independent. And if you aren't willing to deal with those consequences, that is your choice to make. But then you are submitting out of CHOICE, not because you "can't" do anything else.<br /><br />"Can't" takes your power away, "won't" gives it back to you. It's important to be able to tell the difference so you don't waste your energy and efforts trying to do the impossible (like changing your NM into a real mother) while doable things, like changing yourself, go undone.<br /><br />It's a small change in conceptualization, but HUGE in its impact!<br /><br />Hugs<br /><br />VSweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-37376865404556419832012-10-03T20:56:17.911-07:002012-10-03T20:56:17.911-07:00This post is potentially life-changing. Your entir...This post is potentially life-changing. Your entire blog is, but this.... my mind is in a whirl with the possibilities.<br /><br />What you said to Katie about having EMPATHY for ourselves.... that is huge, too, I needed to read that just now. <br /><br />I especially love this: "“Can’t” is a locked door whereas “won’t” is merely a closed one. “Can’t” takes the power to change things away from you, “won’t” puts it in your hands."<br /><br />Just.... wow. WOW!<br /><br />Charity<br /><br />PS: This is silly but I just have to tell you, I can, indeed, lick my right elbow. But not my left. Probably if I started doing my yoga again, I would be able to lick both elbows... although not both at once. ;)<br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-4046668581718708242012-10-02T04:33:23.728-07:002012-10-02T04:33:23.728-07:00Makes PERFECT sense, Katie--and that is pretty muc...Makes PERFECT sense, Katie--and that is pretty much what I told Poohbear, above.<br /><br />It is only scary if 1) you judge yourself or 2) you let "dangerous" people (like your NM) in on it. <br /><br />It really is important not to judge yourself. If your "why" turns up an answer like "I'm afraid to face up to her," rather than mentally calling yourself a big baby or a coward, have EMPATHY for yourself. You decided not to face up to this stuff a long, long time ago when you were a powerless child and it was probably the safest choice you could make. What you need to look at now is that you are no longer a helpless child and you are not bound by decisions and choices you made years ago under duress. You can RE-choose!! You have every right to--and you don't have to explain yourself or even reveal your new choice. Instead of saying "I can't," you just say "No, I have other plans," or "No, I'm not available," both of which are absolutely true.<br /><br />Baby steps, Katie...one step at a time and take your time. As long as you are moving in the right direction, you're doing fine!<br /><br />Hugs<br /><br />VSweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-33568686989015142532012-10-02T04:27:03.556-07:002012-10-02T04:27:03.556-07:00Well, good for you that you have taken the baby st...Well, good for you that you have taken the baby step of vocalizing (even if it is just in your head!). But just as the baby doesn't learn to walk with only one step, you need to take more steps--may I suggest that even if you have to say "I can't" to others to back them off, don't say it to yourself? Privately, acknowledge what you really mean...then analyze it and find out where it comes from? That might lead you to the next baby step--saying "no!" without using "I can't" for a crutch.<br /><br />It is much more important to be honest with yourself than with the N and their minions, you know...that is where the healing starts.<br /><br />Hugs, Poohbear<br /><br />Sweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-63326749410623612342012-10-01T18:28:18.195-07:002012-10-01T18:28:18.195-07:00Here's the scary part; once you get to the poi...Here's the scary part; once you get to the point where you can tell the difference between "can't" and "won't" you have to ask yourself why you won't. Not the why's that come from external sources but are generated from within ourselves. But I think healing comes from understanding "why". I hope this makes sense.Katiehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07513194031542945755noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-29002685819019034972012-10-01T15:23:32.484-07:002012-10-01T15:23:32.484-07:00Yes, good for you! I wish I could be so brave! For...Yes, good for you! I wish I could be so brave! For me, saying, "I can't!" is actually a baby step, as normally, I buckle in and do anything and everything asked of me, no matter what...talk about not having boundaries. :(<br /><br />But, here's to standing up for ourselves...<br /><br />--PoohbearAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-5807773111549429042012-10-01T06:11:41.342-07:002012-10-01T06:11:41.342-07:00Good for you, Trisha!
There sure is a huge distan...Good for you, Trisha!<br /><br />There sure is a huge distance between "can't" and "won't," isn't there?!<br />Sweet Violethttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08321094659806702782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4333405565931840271.post-53907942434233323742012-10-01T05:24:46.953-07:002012-10-01T05:24:46.953-07:00It's interesting how to the world, me saying &...It's interesting how to the world, me saying 'No' is fairly easy. It wasn't until the last year I was 'in contact' with the FOO that I started saying, 'no, I won't'...and wow, all hell broke loose. One such memory was mom's 80th birthday. She felt it was quite a special occassion, and I'd agree except that as I was planning the special day I had a revelation..planning a special birthday for someone is inspired by loving them and having a close relationship. My mother had never nurtured anything special with me, it was always me kissing her ass. I was the best NS-er she'd ever known, and I was suddenly finished, drained and caring more about myself than her...so I backed out of the birthday planning. Of course, the whole day fell apart because no-one else knew how to give. Mom was furious, pouty, vengeful and aggressively hostile. She said, "it's my 80th birthday, a special day, most kids celebrate it blah blah blah!" Me standing up for truth and myself was the beginning of the end for my time hanging with the FOO...she never got over it.Trishahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07023642047160256083noreply@blogger.com