Five years ago I published a blog post about forgiveness1 and the unjust pressure society was placing on victims to forgive their abusers. I had hoped that time would dull the edge of this unjust pressure and the pendulum would eventually swing back to forgiveness being one of several choices open to a victim, to be dispensed at the victim’s pleasure and only in the presence of remorse expressed by the abuser.
Alas, the forgiveness imperative
continues to gallop along unimpeded, spreading resentment and invalidation to
everyone who hears that they must forgive their abusers even when those abusers
not only do not feel remorse for their actions, but have no intention of
ceasing the abuse.
People who buy into this
nonsense—that in order to heal from abuse you must unconditionally forgive the
abuser even when they don’t feel remorse and fully intend to continue their
abuse—find themselves wondering what went wrong when, months down the track
they realize that not only have they not healed, they are still being abused by
the same people, in the same way. They not only have not reaped the promised
reward of forgiveness, the abuse had not abated and the only thing that has
changed is that they have become complicit in their abuse rather than protesting
it.
We are confronted daily in the
media by self-styled gurus who insist that, in order to heal ourselves, we must
give forgiveness to those who have hurt us, whether they ask for it or not,
whether we want to forgive them or not. We are told that if we don’t forgive,
it is not possible for us to move past our trauma or “achieve self-empowered
freedom that conquers [our] sense of victimization.”2 This, in my mind, is nothing more than
unmitigated bullshit.
Fortunately for us, however, there
appears to be a nascent contrary movement afoot, a movement quietly building
amongst relevant professionals. More and more articles by credentialed authors
are beginning to appear, articles that question, both directly and indirectly,
the wisdom and side effects of wholesale and indiscriminate forgiveness.
Wikipedia, for example, tells us
that forgiveness is the “…intentional and voluntary process by
which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an
offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased
ability to wish the offender well.”3 The wording of this definition
clearly call into question how this squares with the forgiveness imperative
that is thrust at us from all sides, from family members blaming us for
internecine rifts to media darlings dispensing their faux wisdom to even our
own therapists. Taken point by point, it is clear that even this middling
reference does not accept the idea of uncritical forgiveness.
“Intentional and
voluntary.” Ok, forgiveness probably doesn’t happen by accident, so the
intentional part is pretty much a given, but what about voluntary? If you are
pressured to do something, told by numerous respectable sources that you are
wrong not to do it, and led to believe that you are harming yourself, is your
capitulation truly voluntary? Is succumbing to the forgiveness imperative
really a voluntary act? Or is it an act you have been pressured into doing?
“Victim undergoes
a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense…” So, when you are
pressured by the forgiveness imperative, do you actually have a change in your
feelings regarding the offense or offender? If your change of feelings is to
feel guilty for withholding forgiveness or resentful that you “have to” forgive
rather than keeping your legitimate feelings of resentment, anger or fear, that
is not the change of feelings that are part of real forgiveness. If your change
in attitude is not a change from distrust and resentment to something more
benign, then you aren’t really feeling forgiving…and if you don’t feel
forgiving, you cannot be forgiving.
“…lets go of negative emotions like vengefulness…”
Well, I haven’t forgiven my mother for her predations into my life and the
lives of my children, but that doesn’t mean I feel vengeful. In fact,
vengefulness is often not part of the feelings we take on when we are betrayed
by one of our parents—we are much more likely to feel deeply, profoundly hurt.
For me, vengefulness went away a long, long time ago (before her death) but it
didn’t make me feel any more forgiving. Can you forgive while feeling vengeful?
Probably not. Can you leave vengeful feelings behind but still not feel
forgiving? Absolutely.
“…with an
increased ability to wish the offender well.” So, in order to forgive, you have
to be able to wish your abuser well? The father who raped you when you were
eight and blamed you—the mother who lied about you to your employer and
derailed a promising career…the sister who seduced your fiancĂ©—the grandparent
who undermined you and turned your children against you—the brother who conned
you out of the money you had been saving to buy a home for your spouse and
kiddies—you have to wish these people well rather than a taste of their own
medicine? Why would you wish them well? Isn’t that the same as wishing their
predatory behaviours onto others rather than yourself? Personally, I wish them
all the experiences necessary to enlighten them to their negative impact on
others so that, at some point, by suffering the same pain they inflicted, they
might experience a glimmer of empathy as a result of their own suffering: “Now
I know how Edna felt when I did that to her…” And yes, I know that it is
unlikely for that enlightenment to happen, but would I be doing anyone a favour
by dismissing their deeds with an offhand “I wish you well” rather than “I hope
you suffer enough to feel what you have put others through”?
The truth is, using this
definition of forgiveness, very few of us feel truly forgiving, even when
yielding to the social pressure to forgive. In fact, one therapist and author.
Lori Gottleib, has come up with the term “forced forgiveness” to describe just
such a situation. “Often they feel pressured to forgive, and then end up
believing that something’s wrong with them if they can’t quite get there — that
they aren’t enlightened enough or strong enough or kind enough.”4
The forgiveness imperative adds a further burden to the victims, making them
feel inadequate when, in fact, it is the imperative and those who push it who
are inadequate due to deficient insight, compassion and understanding.
Gottleib further states “But
forgiveness is a tricky thing, in the same way that apologies can be tricky.
Are we apologizing [or forgiving] because it makes us feel better, or because
it will make the other person feel better?…Who is the forgiveness for? Granted,
for some, forgiveness serves as release — you forgive the person who wronged
you, without condoning their actions, and it allows you some peace. But that’s
not true for everyone.”
Mark Banschick, MD, says “Victims
are confronted with the pressure to forgive those who caused them pain. They
are told that forgiveness is an essential ingredient for the healing
process…When victims succumb to the pressure to forgive, they may feel that
they’re being victimized once again because in a way, forgiveness can negate
the agony they endured and their right to be angry…The absence of anger in a
scenario like this leaves you vulnerable to abuse. Absolving someone you loved
deeply and trusted from the devastation they caused you may come at the expense
of your integrity. Sacrificing the value of your dignity to let someone off the
hook for their intentional betrayal isn’t always worth the forgiveness they may
desire to lessen their sense of remorse and regret.”4
Even in a situation in which the
abuser expresses remorse and regret, Banschick advises caution, opining that
your dignity and integrity are more important than assuaging the guilt of those
who hurt you. But we, as ACoNs, seldom come across such a situation. For us, we
are pressured to forgive without even receiving an apology, a regret, or even a
hint of remorse. We are even pressured to forgive when our abuse is clear that
s/he has no intention of ceasing the abuse. Guilt, if it enters into the
equation, is assigned to us for being unwilling to forgive rather than upon the
abusers for perpetrating the abuse. It is an injustice that, until very
recently, nobody but the victims seemed to see, the idea that we victims owe a
kindness—forgiveness—to those who abused us and we are somehow deficient if we
are disinclined.
Gottlieb says “You can have
compassion without forgiving. There are many ways to move on without forgiving,
but pretending to feel a certain way is not one of them. Forced forgiveness is
false forgiveness... As therapists, the last thing we want to do is to talk
people out of how they really feel.”5
I agree with her completely. If
you are going to forgive those who harmed you, wait until you truly feel
forgiving. Don’t do it because someone tries to guilt you into it or tries to
con you into it by telling you that must do so in order to heal and move
on—that is just not true. Be true to your own feelings, feel them, process
them, honour them. Dr. Banschick says “A bad therapist will push forgiveness. A
good one will help you find the best way of coming to terms with the betrayal,”6
and nothing could be more true.
Forgive when you are ready, when
you truly feel forgiving, when you no longer feel the desire for vengeance,
retribution or even justice, when you no longer feel resentment or hard-done
by. When you accept the past for what it was and the present for what it is,
when you can accept that your abuser will not change and that is acceptable to
you, that is when you are ready for forgiveness.
And even then, you do not have to
give it. It is a gift you bestow on someone. It does not wipe away the past or
expunge it, it does not require you to forget past wrongs or to permit the
forgiven person to again victimize you. It does not mean you have to be friends
or be vulnerable to that person ever again. You can forgive and walk away—or
you can refuse to forgive and still walk away.
Forgiveness is your gift to bestow
upon—or withhold from—anyone you choose. And nobody has a right to judge or
condemn you for whatever choice you make, for the choice is not theirs to make.
It is yours alone. And whatever you choose is OK, as long as you are being
honest with and true to yourself.
1http://narcissistschild.blogspot.co.za/2012/09/forgiveness-gift-you-give-yourself.html
2http://www.huffingtonpost.com/mark-banschick-md/unforgivable-hurt-eight-w_b_2341896.html?utm_hp_ref=divorce&ir=Divorce
3https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forgiveness
4 Op Cit.
5https://www.thecut.com/2017/07/im-not-sad-my-grandmothers-going-to-die.html?utm_campaign=nym&utm_source=fb&utm_medium=s1
6Op Cit.
I couldn't even begin to express how much this post resonates with me, especially this being the day after my NM's birthday; no matter what her age, she's entitled to a great fuss, something I'm heartily opposed to as I think that past the age of, say, 12, there needn't be such pressure on others to celebrate one's existence. Relative to this particular post, I struggle with such acute pain, anger and fantasies of ways in which my "family" (it's become increasingly difficult to state the words "family", "mother", "sister", etc. without the use of quotation marks as I consider these labels something earned, not merely in place due to circumstances beyond my control) might suffer via a good, old-fashioned humbling, but being a practicing Buddhist, I'm saddled with guilt due to my inability to "forgive". How can we forgive cruelty that's still occurring, and will never stop until either I or these toxic people die? What am I supposed to say, or even think? "I forgive you for the lies, gossip, gaslighting, disrespect, mockery, dismissive nature, abandonment, emotional and physical scarring"? Really? Only to have them adeptly turn the tables on me with a roll of the eyes or a wave of the hand, screaming "YOU'RE CRAZY! GET OUT OF HERE!" (verbatim, time and time again upon my attempting to approach matters as a calm, collected and sensitive adult), or perhaps they listen, for 30 seconds or so before they change the subject, feigning complacency in knowing that they'll call, text-message or email the other to once again validate that I'm an unhinged, flakey, immature zero, and that I'm likely just ENVIOUS of them. *giggle* Whatever helps them sleep at night, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteI do have to constantly remind myself that people who are confident, content, and at peace with themselves and their decisions don't NEED to bully, mock, criticise, compare, or waste so much energy convincing themselves and those around them that they have enviable lives and are enviable people.
What was it that I'm supposed to be envious of, exactly? They live in a prison, enclosed by bars of their own making, so how is my "forgiving" them going to set either of us free? I could say I'm sorry, but I wouldn't mean it, and what am I sorry for? DEFENDING myself when no one else will or can..ever had someone make that mistake on your behalf, only to be gaslighted as well? Oh how I wish I were self-assured enough, centred enough, to act like none of this affects me and I don't need them, but I don't exist to them unless I fulfill my only purpose in their eyes; I can't even send my mother a photo without her forwarding it to her friends and family, people who never bother to contact me directly, in order for HER to gain attention, praise for her "creation", i.e, me, and what I've achieved despite their efforts to crush my spirit and drive.
Still, I feel totally invisible sometimes, and although I stay away from social media because it's no place for the emotionally fragile, occasionally I'm so desperate for a little validation, some camaraderie, I'll reach out to strangers. At 50, I'm still 99% the me I genuinely like, and my (3rd—surprise, surprise) DH loves, but it's a little lonely on this island of me, with its protective barriers against the critics and bringers down. Thanks, Violet and all, I wish you much joy and all of the TLC you so deserve.
Misunderstood Animal, what you said resonates with me profoundly. I am NC with my FOO, but for five decades, everything I sent to one member was xeroxed and distributed to every other member. Particularly letters I wrote begging for confidentiality. I have a good life now, but indeed, it is lonely when I think of how close my FOO members are to each other. They can turn on each other anytime, however. I fantacize about the day they do. I imagine the sky opening up for them at some moment when they recognize the damage they have caused. But I know that in fact, that will never happen.
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