Since the inception of this blog more than three years ago, the following warning has been posted near the comment window at the bottom of each page: “I don't publish rudeness, so please keep your comments respectful, not only to me, but to those who comment as well. We are not all at the same point in our recovery.”
Silly me, I thought that was self-explanatory, but
apparently not. The purpose of the warning was, primarily, to discourage
trolls: if they know up front that they won’t get published ( and every
comment, without exception, is reviewed by be before publication), they may not
be willing to expend the effort to write something rude and trollish that they
know will never see the light of day. There are some trolls, however…narcissists,
really…who apparently see this as a challenge. And I have been dealing with one
(possibly two) this week.
Rudeness is a tool in the narcissist’s bag of nasty tricks.
Narcissists are well aware of the rules of polite discourse and know that we
all expect that from each other. Deviation from the social script is what
provokes shouting matches, fist fights, and worse. People hell-bent on winning
at all costs can, when their ire is provoked, say and do ugly things. And
nothing is more provoking than someone being rude for no discernible reason.
Narcissists use this to their advantage. If you can be
provoked to losing your cool, the narcissist “wins” the competition going on in
his head. The narcissist gets to walk away feeling superior for having taken
control of your emotions and maybe even your better judgment, reducing you to a
reacting, acting-out puppet. Some narcissists are so skilled at this that they
aren’t even conscious of it…they blithely roll along, dropping little digs and
barbs and spouting little zingers and skewering people with their sharp tongues,
seemingly oblivious to the death by a thousand cuts they are inflicting on the
people whose psyches are pierced by their unkind words. Other narcissists are
keenly aware and use rudeness to hurt, control and/or punish others.
In the brouhaha with our visiting narcissist, James, there
came some comments and emails from an anonymous writer purporting to not be
James in disguise, comments opining that I should 1) apologise to James; 2)
listen to James and 3) come to some kind of détente with James. I had to laugh
because the author of these missives, if it wasn’t James, obviously missed the
meaning of that brief warning near the comment window: “I don't publish
rudeness, so please keep your comments respectful, not only to me, but to those
who comment as well. We are not all at the same point in our recovery.”
So what was so rude about that, you ask? Well, rudeness does
not have to be couched in offensive verbiage to still be rude. Think about it
this way:
Suppose you held an open house with the objective of selling
your cottagey little house and a person came in and started taking issue with
the décor…with your choice of furnishings, throw rugs, knick-knacks, bedding.
Suppose she criticized the colour of the sofa, the towels in the bathroom, even
the bowl of fruit on the kitchen table. Suppose now, that you told her that
since it was your house, it was going
to be decorated to your taste, but all of these things would be going with you
when you moved, and she should be focussing on the house itself, not on your
sofa or towels.
Suppose, then, she told me you was incorrect, that the house
should be decorated to her taste
because your taste was wrong. Let’s say her taste was ultra-modern and yours
was shabby chic and she is insisting that you must redecorate the house to her
taste, not because it would sell better that way, but because she is right and
you are wrong. Because her perceptions about your decorating taste are right
and mine are wrong. Suppose, too, that she refused to stop criticizing your décor
style, regardless of what you say about this being your house and that her
taste is not appropriate to the cottagey architecture of the house while yours
is.
This behaviour is what is known as “presumptuous” and
presumptuous behaviour is the epitome of rudeness. In fact, Microsoft Word’s
built-in thesaurus defines “presumptuous” as: arrogant, rude, presuming, audacious,
insolent, bold, rash, and disrespectful.
Suppose now that the Critic, having been unsuccessful in
winning your agreement, turns hostile and begins to engage in character
assassination and ad hominem attacks
at which time you politely steer her to the door and out onto the sidewalk and
tell her she is not welcome back in your house.
What if another person has been observing the exchange
between the two of you and she decides to now grace you with her unsolicited
opinion…and that opinion is that you should apologize to the Critic and “work
things out” with her? Well, in my opinion, this is no less rude than the
original.
Why?
The purpose of the house being open in the first place was
for prospective buyers to look at the house and decide if they might want to
purchase it. The original Critic was not invited as a decorator or stager or
real estate agent whose opinion about the décor was solicited: she was there as
a potential buyer and her concerns about the décor were unwarranted because it
would all be gone when the buyer took possession of the property. The initial Critic
turned a visit to a home for sale into an argument over taste in furnishings
and right and wrong: she created an issue that not only did not exist, it had
nothing to do with whether or not the house would be suitable for her needs
(remember, the décor would be gone when she took possession of it). As the
discussion escalated, the Critic became more and more demanding, from taking
issue with the décor to demanding that you agree with her viewpoint on the décor.
This was extremely disrespectful as it demands a complete stranger change her views
to suit that of the Critic for no other reason than the Critic believes she is
right.
The Observer is transparently supportive of the Critic. The
reasons could be anything: she is also presumptuous, she also prefers modern
furnishings, she prefers to side with the attacker rather than the defender—but
her reasons are immaterial. What is material is that she has also taken a
presumptuous step: her opinion is unsolicited and it supports presumptuous, rude
behaviour.
Everybody has a right to disagree with what I say on this
blog…but you must disagree without being disagreeable. What you don’t have a
right to do is to attempt to impose your viewpoint here by trying to make me
wrong thereby dictating the content of my blog. You have the freedom to
disagree and to express that disagreement and, if I agree with you—if I overlooked
something germane and that oversight significantly affects my conclusions, then
I will acknowledge that. But the person who decides whether or not your
observation is germane is me, not you. And if I disagree and I write back and
explain why I disagree, pressing the issue further is rude—on your part.
If you support someone’s disagreement, that is ok, too. But
supporting someone’s rudeness is not ok. This is not a public forum, this is my
blog. I write it to express my
observations, my viewpoint, my discoveries and epiphanies; I do not write it to
provide a forum for debate. Here, you are free to read and comment—even comment
your disagreement—but you are not free to attempt to control the content of
this blog. If you want an interactive forum or you wish to control the content
of a blog, you are free to create your own.
If you think I am being harsh or selfish here, consider that
the way our narcissists beat us down and kept us in check was to cause us to
think that we have to tolerate their disrespectful ways, to make us feel guilty
for even wanting to stand up for ourselves. A meme I saw on FaceBook says: “I
have reached a point in my life where I find it is no longer necessary to try
to impress anyone. If they like me the way I am, that’s good. If they don’t, it’s
their loss.” Narcissists bank on people feeling the opinions of others are more
important than their own opinions of themselves and narcissist use that as a
way to manipulate them. I don’t play that game anymore…any airtime a narcissist
gets here will be at my choosing and because it fits into my agenda.
So, if you have a comment here or you want to send me an
email, keep it civil and polite. You can disagree, but if you are disagreeable
about it, then you have crossed the line into rudeness. If I disagree with your
disagreement, let it go—you had your say, let that be enough. To persist in
trying to make your point and change my mind is disrespectful since this is not a public forum, it is the electronic
equivalent of my house. It is a peek into my brain, my processes, my
conclusions. Please respect that.
