It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.

Friday, August 26, 2016

The “Me” Flea

You know how narcissists can take any situation and find a way to make it about themselves?

Well, many of us have the exact same talent. Let us be in the proximity of any kind of dysfunction and we will find a way to feel guilty, or responsible, or obligated to fix or mitigate or otherwise resolve the issue. Mother’s an alcoholic? you must do something to intervene and fix it… Golden child brother wrecked his car and got thrown out of his house by an angry wife? you have a spare room—well, no you don’t but your kid won’t mind sleeping on the couch while your brother stays there… Husband cheated? you tear your brain apart trying to figure out what you did wrong that would make him cheat… You never met a problem you couldn’t find a way to make your fault or responsibility: the “Me” flea—whatever is wrong, it has to be linked to me.

Anybody recognize yourself here?

One of the first things I learned in therapy was that I was “overly responsible.” I found this difficult to wrap my mind around because I had spent the better part of my life hearing about how irresponsible I was. I grew up in a house full of mixed messages and no key—no clue—to figuring them out. I was supposed to wash the breakfast and lunch dishes after school and my brother was supposed dry them and put them away. If he refused and I told my mother, I was tattling; if he refused and I didn’t make him do it, I was irresponsible and hopeless and a failure. My solution was to take on the responsibility myself and dried and put them away in order to prevent a maternal meltdown, a behaviour choice which, I later discovered, was being overly responsible.

As an adult and married to the laziest narcissist west of the Mississippi, the same continued. He had a car but he refused to maintain it. And while it is all well and good to say “let him suffer the consequences of his inactions,” the truth was, our budget couldn’t handle him blowing up car engines regularly because he refused to put water in the radiator or have the oil changed. I managed the household funds because he refused to—he just spent until it was gone—, I decided what work needed to be done around the house and who was to do it…and, like my brother, he simply refused to do the work that was his.

It occurred to me that if he had some choice in which household chores were his (as opposed to me assigning them to him like he was one of the kids), maybe he would be more inclined to do them. That was when I discovered that he considered himself exempt from anything resembling labour because he earned more money than I did. Bottom line—if I wasn’t willing to do something myself or delegate it to a kid, it wasn’t going to get done, no matter what the consequence—and that included a blown engine in his Mustang.

Oddly enough, I was irritated about this from a superficial feminist perspective—I worked as many hours as he did and if I was contributing to the household income, then it was only fair that he contributed to the household labour—but the idea that I, alone, was responsible for running and managing the household and his obligation was to perform the occasional assist, never occurred to me as being innately unjust. I had always been the one to whom responsibility fell and I had never questioned it. The responsibility had always belonged to me and where it was not specifically given to me, I simply took it.

I recall sitting in a job interview and being asked about my problem-solving process and saying that the first place I looked was to myself…was I responsible for the problem? And if so, I would then find a way to correct it. The first place I would go would be me. When anything went wrong in anything, my first question was always “what did I do to cause this? And what can I do to prevent it from happening again?”

It doesn’t help that this is actually very pragmatic question to ask. If you have to spend money on a mechanic or a plumber or a repairman of any kind, it is a perfectly rational question to ask: knowing what caused a problem allows you to take steps to prevent a costly recurrence. But for me, it was more than that…it was finding out where *I* screwed up so I could pro-actively prevent it from happening again…so I wouldn’t be at fault…and have to feel the anxiety of having screwed up…again.

I can’t say I felt much guilt—that is not something I even spent a lot of time with—because the anxiety overshadowed it to the degree of virtually obliterating it. My childhood was one of waiting for the other shoe to drop, the next blow to land, the inevitable punishment to fall. I didn’t have an opportunity for guilt—guilt was seldom elicited because it didn’t give my NM anything she wanted. She wanted me to be afraid of her—she even told me that she would rather have me fear and obey her than love and respect her. Each and every time I fell short of the impossible standards she set for me (often without even telling me what the standard was), each and every time I did something, I waited anxiously for the pronouncement from her just how far off the mark I was and what the consequences were to be. No matter what the assignment or even who it was assigned to, Violet was the responsible party in the end—Violet was the de-facto project manager who had no authority, all the responsibility, and bore the brunt of any shortfall.

Objectively speaking, it may not actually have been as dire as all that, but that was my perception, even in childhood, and our perceptions are our realities. My reality was that I would be punished for anything that went wrong in our household and to minimize that possibility, I became what my NM called “bossy.” Only by having control over every possible bit of my environment did I feel I had a chance to forestall blame and punishment. I rigorously self-examined, looked for facial expressions in the mirror that were suitably bland so as to not provoke NM’s eagle eye for evidence of defiance or insubordination. I practiced tone of voice that would be informative but neither whiney nor timid and fearful: I was to be afraid of her but not in an obsequious manner that might cause notice in others. There was no aspect of my life that I did not examine in one way or another, seeking ways to stay away from my mother’s “bad side.” No small feat, considering her “bad side” was pretty much all she showed at home.

And so everything became about me. The expression on my face, my tone of voice. What I did—what I didn’t do. When I overheard my mother expressing displeasure to a friend on the phone or to my father, my mind immediately turned to myself: what did I do to cause this? What did I fail to do? What can I do to mitigate it and reduce the consequences? How can I control this, spin this, avoid getting caught in this?

Things did not improve in adulthood. The “Me Flea” followed me everywhere. If there was no business in the club where I was dancing and waitressing, did I do something to cause it? What could I do to improve attendance the weekend before payday? If the bus was late getting me to work, what could I do to make sure I got there on time tomorrow? Take an earlier bus? Take a chance on this bus again? My focus on life was its faults, its problems, and how I caused them, contributed to them, and/or could fix them. It was all about me…my choices, my actions, what other people thought of me, how they viewed me, what they might do to me, how much power they had over me and what could I do to take that power so as to protect myself. Things that could not possibly have been my fault became my fault: tree fell over at a neighbour’s house? I should have seen that it was diseased or damaged and warned the neighbour—it was therefore my fault that the tree fell down. Washer broke? I should have known that odd noise heralded a catastrophic failure of the motor…my fault. Co-worker’s brother died in the war? I managed to find a way to feel responsible for that, too—my brother was in the same war and he was alive and well, so I felt that somehow I should have been able to prevent her suffering and failed to do so: it was her brother who died, but my feelings of empathy for her loss were all but obliterated by my anxiety about my lack of power to control the world around me.

Through this all, I did not see how self-oriented I was. My perception of the social expectation was that I would keep a clean house, that I would see to disciplined children, that I would have meals on the table, laundry done, groceries bought, that I would see to a tidy home, obedient children, and a well-fed, happy husband and if I could not achieve that, I was failing my duty. Never mind that there was no committee judging me—not even my NM was looking over my shoulder—never mind that the nebulous “they” who I was trying to satisfy did not actually exist: everything in my life was about living in such a way as to not further provoke the anxiety that overshadowed my life. Without even consciously realizing it, everything was about me. About manipulating everything in my life to assuage my anxiety, to minimize my potential for feeling guilty. Even though it did not look like it nor did it feel like it, in reality, everything was about me.

I have to wonder how many of us go through life under the influence of the Me Flea without even realizing it. How many of us make choices that are dictated by the Me Flea without seeing what we are doing? Every time you do something out of Fear, Obligation or Guilt, you are succumbing to the Me Flea because you make those choices so that you do not have to feel guilty, or because you are unwilling to take the consequences (fear) or because you feel obligated, even when you are not. Every time you choose to expose your kids to their toxic grandmother, every time you do as bid by your N rather than say “no,” every time you get upset with the behaviour of a flying monkey, you are acceding to the Me Flea, putting your unwillingness to bear the brunt of an NTantrum ahead of the well-being of your children, allowing your fear of your NM’s reaction to usurp your time, permitting the opinions of people who don’t care about your feelings to actually dictate those feelings.

When the Me Flea dominates your life, you cannot live a healthy emotional life because the Me Flea does not put your well-being front and centre. The Me Flea lives in an environment of fear, reaction, and irrationality. It controls you and leads you to sacrifice not only your own well-being but the well-being of others in your life, like your children, your spouse, even friends. It is a selfish Flea that demands all other aspects of your life be subordinate to it: rather than stand up to unreasonable demands and protect your children, you worry about the repercussions from your N or you try to avoid guilt by succumbing to the Me Flea. Living your life giving in to the F.O.G. is actually a very selfish mode of existence because it sacrifices everything else in your life to it.

The Me Flea is no more powerful than any other Flea in your life: you have absolute control over it, but too often we refuse to exercise that control because we aren’t willing to deal with the consequences. But all of life’s choices have consequences, so even choosing not to stand up to the Me Flea has consequences: you allow yourself to be exploited and your children and spouse, marriage and friendships become sacrifices to your unwillingness to take the other consequences…the consequences of shutting down the Me Flea and standing up to the Ns and Flying Monkeys in your life.

Like so many other things, the decision to continue succumbing to the Me Flea or the decision to stand up to it and face down your Ns is a personal choice. But be clear on this: when you choose to let the Me Flea rule your life, when you choose capitulation because you don’t want to feel guilty or afraid or you don’t want to bear the consequences of refusing to fall prey to a feeling of obligation, when you succumb to the F.O.G., you are choosing to sacrifice others to save yourself. And that is how the Me Flea operates.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

A Parable

You are on a cruise ship with your Nmother, Nsister, and your 5 year old child. You and your child share a small stateroom. You awaken to the smell of smoke, a loud clanging alarm, and your frightened child. Quickly you dress but when you try to get the door open, you find it is locked and your key is missing. You are too big to fit through the porthole…but your child is not. Knowing that she is your only hope for escape—and you are her only hope for eventual survival—you boost her through the open porthole and instruct her to go around and open the door to the stateroom.

You wait for what feels like an hour, two hours, and you can actually feel the ship is sinking. You try everything you can think of to get the door open, from picking the lock to smashing it with furniture, all to no avail. Finally, as the ship is tilting precariously, the door opens and your child stands there with a key in her hand. “I took it from Grandma’s pocket,” she says as you sweep her up in your arms and run for the open deck.

There is only one lifeboat remaining and too many people. “Women and children first” you hear and step forward. As a crew member starts to help you and your child into the boat you are roughly grabbed from behind and pulled back. “You cannot go ahead of me!” a familiar voice claims. “I am your mother!” You start to step back but the crewman, who is himself doomed, interposes himself and safely escorts you and your child into the lifeboat. You hear your NM scream in protest and see her thrust your adult sister ahead of her, saying “Women and children first? I am a woman and this is my child! I demand a place on this lifeboat.”

The crewman ignores her and continues to escort women and kids onto your boat and finally, the boat is away and you are floating, with a half dozen other boats, watching the ship go down. Numerous people are bobbing in the water, wearing life vests, but these are tropical waters and sharks are expected at any moment. The person who has taken charge of your lifeboat announces that the ship had drifted out of normal shipping channels and it may take some time to be found…you may be on this boat for days…even weeks.

Suddenly a hand comes over the side of the boat and grabs your child by the upper arm and tries to drag her overboard. You react by grabbing your child with one hand and, using a nearby paddle, beating the offender’s arm until your child is released. You look at the culprit and it is your mother, floating in a life jacket nearby. “That seat belongs to me!” your NM screams at you. “And you must give your seat to your sister! We were in line first! You weren’t supposed to be there!” Suddenly you understand what your child meant when she said she got the key from Grandma’s pocket.

Your NM clings to the side of the boat, as does your sister. She tries to convince you to put your child into the water “…just for a little while, so I can rest in the boat for a few minutes.” She tries to convince you to take a turn in the water so your sister can rest in the boat. She tells you that you are wrong to save the child because she will not be able to contribute to the welfare or well-being of the other passengers, she will only consume resources and has no wisdom, experience or even the ability to do physical work to contribute to the group’s survival. Your sister complains that you always get the advantage, that she is always left in second place—which you intellectually know is bullshit—and now would be a good time to even up the score.

Night falls and, exhausted, you begin to drift off to sleep. You are worn out not only from the ordeal, but from having to defend your silent and traumatized child from your NM’s and NSis’s predatory behaviour. As you slip into sleep, you suddenly feel something around your neck and feel yourself being pulled backwards. Your child sits and watches, paralyzed and silent with fear, as you do everything you can to fight for your life. The others in the lifeboat—some sleep through it, others avert their eyes, unwilling to interfere in what they have decided is a “family matter” and none of their business. You are dragged far enough over by one pair of hands that your head is submerged, while a second pair grapples with your body and tries to drag the rest of you out of the boat.

You are drained and ready to just give up but as you struggle for air you hear your child cry out…with you nearly out of the picture, she is under attack. You summon strength you didn’t know you had and break free, retaining your place in the boat and beating them off with a paddle yet again.

They are also exhausted so as they cling to the boat and try to regroup their energy for another attempt at unseating you, a woman nearby leans towards you and quietly says “You keep defending yourself against them. But there is only one of you and there are two of them and this could go on for a long time. Why are you not taking the offensive?”

You have no idea what she means.

“Beat their hands bloody with that paddle so they can’t hang onto the boat anymore. Eventually the currents will separate them from us if you don’t let them keep hanging on.”

“But what will happen to them?” you ask.

“Why does it matter?” the woman replies.

“Because they are my mother and sister.”

“That didn’t seem to mean much to them when they were trying to drown you and your child,” she observes. “This is survival…you and your child cannot survive if they keep hanging on and keep trying to drag you overboard. The minute you are gone, they will sacrifice the child. And if you don’t DO something to change this, you will be worn down to the point that you can no longer resist and then it will be curtains for the both of you. Not only will you cease to exist, your child will be lost as well.”

“How can I condemn my own mother and sister?”

“They were more than willing to do it to you,” she reminds you. “This is not a philosophy class in which you can debate right and wrong without consequence. This is real life…gritty, dirty, painful, traumatizing real life. These people have shown you who they are—that they are willing to throw you and an innocent child to the sharks to advantage themselves—you need to believe them and even if you don’t care about yourself, think about that child. She cannot survive without you.”

As she stops speaking, you see movement out of the corner of your eye. Your child is sleeping, her head pillowed on the edge of the lifeboat. A hand has appeared over the edge of the boat and is quietly moving towards your child’s tangled hair and you realize that as long as they are within proximity of the boat, you and your child will never be out of danger.

You pick up a paddle…

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

I can't wait until my N dies and I'll be free...

Living with a narcissist changes you. Being raised by one not only changes you, the changes you have to make to survive such a parent literally shape who you are, how you see the world, and your very beliefs—even your beliefs about yourself.

If you had been raised in a functional household by relatively normal parents, the changes you make when you first get involved with a narcissist are changes that overlay your fundamental Self, the Self that was formed in a functional household with loving, supportive, normal parents and role models. These changes are like a sticker that is affixed atop the person you grew up to be. And when you break up with the narcissist, the sticker may be painful and difficult to remove, but underneath, your original Self still exists—a bit battered and wary, perhaps, but there just the same. In fact, your original Self is probably what initiated the breakup with the narcissist in the first place.

But when you are raised by narcissists, it is considerably different. You may have an intact core personality buried under all those adaptive measures taken to survive a narcissistic parent, but the person you know yourself to be, the person you show the world, and the beliefs you have adopted and live by are the only Self that you know. There is no “original Self” beneath the layers of adaptations because she has never been allowed to develop and come into her own.

And that is what therapy and recovery is all about: peeling back the layers of adaptive behaviours and beliefs, salvaging what is healthy and serviceable, discarding that which is maladaptive, and creating new behaviours and beliefs that become your real Self. It is an arduous and often painful journey, fraught with self-doubt and obstacles but a journey each one of us can successfully complete given a good therapist and sincere motivation.

But we do not easily come to the realization that our recovery from narcissistic abuse is a journey we must undertake alone. Because our wounds were inflicted by others, too often we adopt the belief that our recovery from those wounds is also in their hands. Our narcissists must stop hurting us, must change their hurtful ways, must apologize for their sins against us and make amends and then we will miraculously be fine. A parallel belief is that once our Ns disappear from our lives through death or No Contact, we will be magically healed and become normal, functional, happy people.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

The death of a narcissistic parent throws up all sorts of emotional turmoil. From relief at no longer being the go-to person for working off a nasty mood to grief at the loss of hope that someday it might get better, ACoNs get every emotion the adult child experiences at the death of a normal parent plus the unique combination of relief, guilt, and fear that belongs to the children of the abusive parent. You are going to see the same denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance that everyone else has to deal with, crowned with relief at being finally released from the chains of being her whipping post, guilt for your relief (and anything else you may or may not have done that the N thought you “should” have or not have done), and even a kind of free-floating anxiety/unnamed fear. What you are not going to feel is normal. Or healed. Or even free.

Why is that? Because you long ago internalized your N in your head, where she will live and control you for the rest of your days unless you get proactive about changing things. The source of the problem, whether your N is alive or dead, is inside your own head and only you can fix that.

The good news is that you can fix this. The better news is that you don’t have to wait for your Ns to die to fix it. The not-so-good-news is that the fix takes time—years, possibly—and it is painful, and you may have to let go of a lot of stuff you presently hold dear: ideas, beliefs, possessions, even people. And you are going to have to do it alone because nobody, not even a therapist, can do it for you. And in the end you will be a different person from who you are today and a lot of people you know today are not going to like the new you.

That may sound discouraging, but if you take the time to really think about it, this is actually a good thing. How many people “love” you because of your dysfunctionality? Are you the person who never says “no,” who loans money, gives time, puts up friends, takes in unwanted pets, cast off furniture and bric-a-brac, never complains or speaks up? Wouldn’t it be lovely to have friends and family whose esteem for you was not inextricably linked to your value as a pushover? An easy mark? The person they can depend on to never, ever put herself first?

This who your Ns trained you to be: a person who puts herself last and who never allows even her own needs to interfere with the wants and expectations of others. Does that sound noble and good to you? It’s not. It is self-abusive and self-destructive. And if you are counting on the death of those Ns who trained you to be your release from servitude, you are in for a bitter, bitter disappointment because their deaths will not release you from a prison in which your own psyche has taken over warden duties.

The death of a narcissistic parent is an opportunity for healing…it means that the active emotional assaults from this parent are now over. Oh, there may be some rude surprises with the will and the obituary and even the services, but those are finished within a month or so and then you are on your own, no longer waiting for the next onslaught. But the Flying Monkeys are still around and you can bet they are eager to remind you of what NM thought, what is expected of you, and to keep her ugly legacy alive. And, of course, there is the NM in your head, heaping guilt on you for wishing her dead, being relieved at her death, and for daring to think of behaving or thinking or believing differently from the way she groomed you.

Your narcissist’s death will not set you free. You remain the same wounded person you were one moment before death claimed her. You still believe you are unworthy or unlovable or a failure or ugly or worthless or a clueless incompetent or whatever it was your N programmed you to believe when you were a helpless child with no life experience to give you any idea of the real truth about yourself. And you will stay stuck right there, captive of a dead narcissist, until you take action to free yourself.

Only you can do that and you don’t have to wait for him to die to begin. But nobody can set you free if you aren’t willing to literally defy all that you have been taught, to question even your most fervent beliefs, and to change at least some of what you believe and embrace ideas and concepts that are antithetical to what you have been taught to date. Only by taking control of your life, by becoming your own authority figure and repudiating the pseudo-authority that Ns and their Flying Monkeys assume, do you have any hope of becoming free.

And you don’t have to wait for your N to die to do that…