It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.

Friday, March 16, 2012


She had worked on the card for days. It was Mother’s Day this Sunday and the whole third grade had been making cards. She had chosen a stiff white paper and made flowers of coloured tissue and stuck them on the front in a three-dimensional bouquet. She had composed a short rhyme and had carefully written it on the inside in her very best handwriting. On the front she had inscribed “Happy Moher’s Day” in crayon, with a shadow carefully drawn to the side of each letter. It was beautiful, even if she did say so herself.

On Sunday she made a pot of coffee and when she heard Mommy stirring, poured a cup and added milk and sugar until it was just as Mommy liked it. She made toast and buttered it and put a jar of jam and a spoon on the tray. As a finishing touch she added the little yellow flowers she had found in the vacant lot next door and the pretty card. Mommy should be pleased that she had spent so much time and effort just to make her happy and to feel good!

The tray was awkward, but she managed to shove the bedroom door open with her hip and not jostle the contents of the tray. She put the tray on the empty side of the bed and handed Mommy her cup of coffee and, after the first few sips were down, proudly handed Mommy the card. Mommy studied it. She opened the card and read the rhyme, then closed it and studied the front of the card again.

She quivered with anticipation. It was a beautiful card, she knew it. She had worked for days to make it just right. Any minute now Mommy would tell her how nice the card was and smile and be happy.

Moments ticked by and her anticipation began to turn to anxiety. Mommy took another sip of coffee, then looked up at her. “How do you spell ‘mother’?”

She was puzzled. “M-O-T-H-E-R” she answered.

Mommy tossed the card at her. “The least you could have done is spell it right.”


  1. In the 1950's I had a wonderful teacher in kindergarten. I loved her and I loved school. For Mother's Day that year, she took each child outside by some pretty shrubs and we each held up a big poster we had made for our mothers while she took a picture of us. Mine said, "I Love You Mommy!" And despite everything, I really did love my mother. Your card reminded me of this experience.
    After I terminated the relationship years later, MN set out to destroy my adult life. I had been solicited by a Federal Agency before I finished undergrad and post NC. I put myself through college and now had a job and career to look forward to in a traditionally male dominated field. After I had worked at this Agency for a few years her PIs found me, my place of employment and the direct number to the office of a new Director whom I had not yet met. My evaluations had always been "Outstanding" but for reasons I could not understand at the time I was unable to secure a transfer closer to my new home with my new DH. I learned at the time of my yearly evaluation after asking some very pointed questions to my Supervisor after reviewing my "Outstanding" Performance Evaluation my MN had been calling the District Director and telling him I had "Mental Health Problems" as well as all kinds of slanderous, nasty, disgusting lies: "After all, I SHOULD KNOW! I'm HER MOOTTHHEERR!" My future was tanked completely-no, they couldn't fire me but all opportunities for transfers and promotions were effectively closed to me. I kept it together until I started driving home. I had put my heart and soul into that job, my "career." After I discussed the situation with my late DH for a few weeks I turned in my resignation.
    Throughout all the years post NC until her death to this world despite geographical distance MN continued to stalk me, stalk me by proxy (PIs), snail mail letters in avalanches hitting each mailbox no matter how frequently we moved and practically the day we move into our new place. They went in the trash unopened. Then the pattern changed, so I opened one up and read it. She had my (very unlisted) phone illegally tapped and wrote out word for word part of a conversation I had with a friend a few days prior. She wanted me to know...and the phone company confirmed the tap but not it's origin.
    My beloved DH died, leaving me a young widow. The snail mail avalanche continued but again, the pattern changed so I opened one up. In it she referred to that card I made in kindergarten for her. This was the only time I was ever tempted to respond to her provocations. I wanted to tell her how desperately that little girl loved her mommy. And how that mommy systematically killed every bit of that little girl, had whipped it out of her, had physically, verbally, emotionally, psychologically killed that little girl. And the woman that remained was working at finding where that child was buried so she could at the very least place some flowers, a little stuffed toy where she died. But the pieces were scattered all over the first 18 yrs. of her life and the scenes of those crimes were so well hidden it was more of an archeological dig. But piece by piece, each was being found, honored, reclaimed and loved. MN never deserved that child or her love. But the old widow that remains treasures her. And keeps her safe in her heart. She will NEVER be abused, scared, cold, hungry or alone again.
    Tundra Woman

  2. Your mother and mine must have gone to the same school of parenting. Mine also stalked and preyed on me after I reached adulthood, continuing her predations of my childhood. When I was in my very early teens she actually took me to juvenile court and tried to have me declared "incorrigible" and sent to reform school! I was not allowed inside the hearing so I have no idea what was said/done, but I ended up living with my father for a year.

    I started therapy in my mid-30s and although I have long since finished, the search for the truth and sense continue to this day--I am now 65.

    I know other women who had the same kinds of mothers and sometimes they ask me "when will I be OK? When will I be "cured"?" I don't tell them "never" because this is despairing news when you are struggling against an NM's hoovering or predations. But the truth is, it is a lifelong journey, part of our lives, and can never be laid completely to rest. The best we can do is take care of ourselves, nurture ourselves like we were not as children, and be gentle with ourselves. We, truly, are all we've got!

  3. Dear Violet, Since I have no way to reach you privately I'm going to send this to you as a comment that will NOT appear on your wonderful Blog. Having this wonderful technology and Blogs such as this are a form of "insurance" IMO that no child or adult child will struggle or suffer alone. Thank you for your "Beware" notices re: that Danu person and company's agenda. I stumbled on her site and was immediately wary as she was transparently promoting herself and a "Cure All" technique available only through HER and for $$. I have a string of letters behind my name and her unabashed self-promotion was immediately a huge red flag. No true professional would engage in such odious and clearly ethically questionable behavior. I also shared with the author of HOM my concerns about another on-line "predator" who I noticed appears to peruse all the Adult Children/N Blogs and clearly hits the high points of the various Blog/responses and regurgitates some "Hot Topic of the Week" followed by "Call for a Consultation." I can assure you this "Shilling For Clients In Cyberspace" is a clear violation of all the Codes of Ethics I am aware of regarding Therapists. Her disgusting plagiarizing of HOM was so very clear. The author was thinking only SHE had noticed this and was wondering if she was becoming paranoid. Not hardly. And this continues even now much to my disgust. Her site has been unwittingly promoted by other excellent Bloggers who don't have the time to read through other Blogs and recognize there's a reason WHY this self-serving "shrink" seems to be so in touch with the Themes-of-the-Week.The reality is, a real T has a REAL practice. With REAL clients. IRL. And if they are truly proficient they do NOT have extra time to cruise around the internet shilling for clients. The limitations inherent in this medium do NOT allow for the immediacy, the absolute importance of non-verbal cues etc. nor does the "phone consultation" in any way begin to address the multiplicity of cues and complexity of issues that may arise particularly with fragile people. And many AC's ARE fragile as they begin their journey.I bring this to your attention as I have noted you have obviously had contact with the author of HOM, give appropriate credit and expand on her concepts beautifully. I am concerned this "Dr. Lewi-"(what ever) person will attempt to do the same with your Blog. I see you are not "Hooked Up" to her site; however, I would not be at all surprised if she starts the same with you. Of course there is no place for comments or a way to contact her other than phone numbers so I can not email her and call her out on her crap. She is not worth a phone call. In any event this effort would most likely result in a message directing the potential "client" to leave a voicemail with their name and number-after all, she's just so busy with faux "clients" (read, scouring all the N sites for her NEXT hijacked Post) she'll call you back-as long as you have your Credit Card handy. I am not computer or internet savvy. I do believe Blogs such as yours and HOM are invaluable resources and clearly much research, thought as well as energy and effort are required to initiate and maintain such an endeavor. It sounds as if you and others were hurt badly by this Danu person and the rest of her ilk. Good for you for speaking up!! Your Blog IMO has far eclipsed what I've seen there. I feel I would be remiss in not giving you a "heads up" on this other predator and the author of HOM will verify what I have just shared with you. I recognize you are busy and do not expect a reply. (Typing is a painful effort for me in any event.) Wishing you the very best on your continuing journey, Tundra Woman (TW)


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