I have added a new blog to the "Sites I Recommend" list and that is Caliban's Sisters. You may have seen some of CS's insightful comments on some of my posts...if you've enjoyed her comments, you are going to love her blog.
So often we feel very alone and isolated in our assigned roles in our dysfunctional families, but I have to tell you, we have legions of sisters (and brothers) out there whose lives and experiences are eerily similar to our own. Our NMs, even though they don't know each other, often behave like clones of each other, and this means that their children experience not only the same bizarre excuse for mothering that we did, those children grow up with many of the same doubts and fears and questions that we have. We are a vast community, we who were raised at the narcissist's knee. Caliban's Sister explores the experiences, the feelings, the doubts, and gifts us with the fruits of her insights and personal pain. She can also be extremely droll.
"...I think I'll keep her wondering whether or not I'll go, until maybe two
weeks before the [wedding]. My niece [the bride] has told me I can make up my mind at
the last minute, and that's what I'm going to do! A few years ago, my
sister blamed me because she felt stress about me being at her kids'
graduation (that's right--I flew across country to watch her kids
graduate). I thought I was doing something nice; she wrote me
afterward and told me that I "was the source of all the stress in her
life" (she and I have very little contact), and that the stress of it
had made a bunch of her hair fall out. She blamed me for that.
Maybe if I wait long enough to decide about the wedding, she'll go bald...."
"I don't intend to make it easy for my sisters. Their enabling behavior
with my narc mother is inexcusable, and I'm not going to just play
along with their creepy Kabuki theater of silence."
"... the hammering over the head with the idea that you have to love these
people NO MATTER WHAT is a lie that is imposed on us over and over
again. It is drummed into us as children, hammered into us as young
adults; the culture is complicit with its fetishizing of Norman
Rockwell families who sit crammed onto a couch together, sharing popcorn
and watching cable, with joyous smiles plastered on their faces. Every
product is sold as part of the familial "glue" that keeps the structure
intact. Generations of families who are conflict-free, overjoyed to be
together, mindlessly blissed out as they gobble pizza, or mac and
cheese, or drive along in their new minivan."
I urge you to pay a visit...you will be glad you did!
It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.