It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

The NO CONTACT letter

Sometimes it is necessary to go No Contact with a narcissistic family member. Although I believe that it is best to simply fade out of their lives, giving them no reasons to rage and hoover you, sometimes a formal No Contact letter is necessary.

If you are harassed by your N to the degree that you are considering a restraining or protective order and their harassment is not criminal (assault, vandalism, trespassing, etc.), then your first step is a No Contact letter. Courts are notoriously unsympathetic to family squabbles being brought to their attention until and unless other avenues of resolution have been attempted, so by sending a No Contact letter, you demonstrate to the court that you have proactively attempted to resolve this issue on your own.

For the lucky ones among us, a successful NC occurs when we fade out of their lives and they don’t come chasing after us. Unfortunately, I suspect we are in the minority and the rest of us have to deal with a spectrum of responses. For people with this issue, the No Contact letter opens the door and, unfortunately, it will probably first open the door to drama and chaos before it finally closes again with a peaceful no contact situation. How much drama and chaos, however, can be limited by carefully crafting the No Contact letter.

What should a No Contact letter look like? Well, the first thing is that it should not contain a list of your grievances against the person/people you are attempting to cut out of your life. That is like waving a red flag in front of a bull: you cannot send a letter containing accusations of wrong-doing to a narcissist and expect them not them be outraged and determined to respond and “set you straight.” If you do expect that, then this is your reality check: they will respond, it won’t be pretty, and it will probably be an extended response that includes calling in all of the Flying Monkeys to help them beat you into submission.

A No Contact letter crafted to avoid drama would look something like this:


To: John and Jane Doe
From: Mary Doe Smith and Robert Smith
Subject: No Contact

This letter is to inform you that as of the date noted above, we direct you to cease all forms of contact with us and with our children, Sissie and Bubba Smith. This includes telephone calls, texts, email or other electronic communication, letters, cards, gifts, and personal visits. This prohibition also includes messages of any kind delivered via other persons, such as other family members or friends.

We are prepared to take legal action if you refuse to respect our wishes for no contact with you.

            Mary Doe Smith
            Robert Smith

This is a no-nonsense letter that dispassionately lays out your demand for complete privacy where they are concerned. There are no emotional hooks for them to grab onto, like accusations of wrong doing on their part that they can argue with or invalidate. It gives them no reasons for your decision and demands…as an independent, autonomous adult you are not required to justify or even explain your decisions to your parents and, knowing that even the mildest reason given will be a hook for them to start manipulating and gaslighting and invalidating is reason enough to say nothing. You don’t owe them an explanation so don’t throw open the door to drama and chaos by giving them one.

Depending on your family situation, you might want to send copies of the No Contact letter to key family members to pre-empt your N’s attempt at embroidering the letter you do send. You can send a cover letter to them, but don’t go into your reasons for going No Contact with them, either, because they will most certainly share those reasons with your Ns, giving them the hook you did not. If you absolutely must write down the reasons you came to the point of NC, then write it in your journal.

The letter to the N must be sent via registered post so that you get a receipt back from the postal service proving it was delivered. You should staple this receipt to your copy of the letter and put them in a safe place because you will probably need them later. Letters to any Flying Monkeys should be sent by regular mail or email and if you must preface it, say only something like “I recently sent the attached letter to my mother and father and I am sure they will be in contact with you about it. I am sending you a copy so that you know exactly what I wrote to them, and so that you know we are not open to second-hand communication from them through you or other family members or friends. We do not find it necessary to enumerate our reasons: it is sufficient that we have given long and painful consideration to this decision and ask only that you respect it.” Keep a list of people you sent copies to.

Once you have sent the letter, it is important to record any violations of your request. If they text you, you can forward their texts to your email program, then print them out and put them in the file with the letter. Any mails or emails you receive, put them in the file. Make sure you notify your children’s schools that nobody is to be allowed contact with your children without your express permission and that includes their grandparents and aunts and uncles. If your children have such activities as soccer or karate or dance or music lessons, make sure the adults know not to allow your children contact with adults who are not other parents, and if someone attempts to make contact, to report it to you.

If they bombard you with contacts, particularly if they are character assassination-type messages, take your file to an attorney and have him draw up a cease-and-desist letter and send it to your Ns. You can send photocopies of the letter to the Flying Monkeys yourself.

I would guess a majority of Ns will stop at this point and satisfy themselves with spreading rumours, innuendo and plain, old-fashioned lies about you to the Flying Monkeys and others. Whether you want to admit it or not, this will not be something new…they have been doing this behind your back all along, so you are losing nothing with this latest round and at least this time there is the grain of truth that you cut off all contact without so much as an explanation.

If you are one of the unlucky few whose Ns don’t stop at this point, then you continue collecting evidence of their violations and go back to the lawyer because now is the time you should be able to get that restraining or protective order and when the N violates that, the law will get involved. Nothing cools an Ns jets like being arrested for violating a court order…it is something they can’t explain away to their Flying Monkeys and if they want to continue to look like a poor victim of a hateful, ungrateful child, they can’t sully themselves by violating the law.

Your part in this is to respect the boundary you have laid down: no matter the provocation, remain NC with your Ns. Collect evidence and know that you have not only taken a huge step in the direction of your own freedom, you have dealt a huge blow to the Ns by taking away their control and their power. You just need to stay the course until the Ns finally give up, realize there is no more NSupply coming from your family, and shifts their attention to more productive fields.


  1. I sent a No Contact letter to my birth parents and it contained a list of reasons/exampls of the behavior my narcissistic mother and enabling father had engaged in so there would be no way they could say they "have no idea why" I stopped talking to them. In spite of the request for no contact, I received a Christmas card and invitation to the Christmas dinner at their home. In response, I sent another, more formal letter like the one in your post telling them to cease and desist all forms of contact with me and my family. That seems to have worked, except now, months later, the Flying Monkeys have started up.

  2. Question: What's up with calling them "the N"? Isn't that dehumanizing them and making sure that you can safely turn off the empathy switch without looking like them? Also, how would this evidence for getting a restraining order work? Most narcissists don't do anything that would warrant a restraining order, and it's always easier to claim that the other person is trying to slander them and make them look like a horrible person.

    1. You clearly have not dealt with a real N if you think they "don't do anything that would warrant a restraining order"

    2. You haven't dealt with my ex in laws! After my ex husband was arrested for some really bad abuse, in every sense of the word, and I divorced him, his parents went crazy! I moved my kids and I away from them and they started stalking us. We were staying with my brother and they searched his address, drove 5 hours and showed up. They proceeded to harass us and threatening to take us to court because my brother told them to leave. I have already had them trespassed from my current apartment complex because they show up univited and unexpected when they want to.

  3. "The N" is less cumbersome than saying "your narcissistic mother, narcissistic father, narcissistic brother, narcissistic sister, narcissistic ex-husband or narcissistic ex-boyfriend..." We may have any number of narcissists plaguing us, people who are related or not. "The N" is like saying "the person," which is not dehumanizing at all, merely descriptive. What would you have me say instead?

    Every locale has its own set of laws. Harassment is illegal in many of them. But you can't just walk into a court and say "he's harassing me, I want a court to order him to stop." You have to prove to the court that you are being harassed and the first step in that is to put the harasser on notice that you wish it to stop. Then you must collect evidence that the person continues to harass you despite your efforts to make him stop. That evidence can be texts, emails, letters, videos of the person accosting you. The Supreme Court has determined that we have a right to privacy, but the individual jurisdictions determine the specific interpretation of that right. This is why everyone who wishes to go No Contact with a narcissist that won't back down needs to visit a lawyer and find out what the local laws are on the subject and then take the steps advised. But in ALL cases, if you wish to make a case for a restraining order against someone, you have to have evidence and you start that evidence by sending a letter telling the person to leave you alone and then collecting the proof that the person has not respected your wish for privacy.

  4. Well done!!! Great letter to end contact - when I was going through this, I wrote and re-wrote and re-wrote yet again and then decided, "What the hell? I don't care what these people think!" And then I tossed everything in the garbage and walked away. But I'm in the enviable position of being on another continent and that makes all the difference. I'm also the forgotten child, so I was usually the one to make contact, anyway... But this letter is simple and straightforward - nothing to argue with, no blaming... Excellent.

    1. Pearl! I admire you! I did finally send my letter and didn't hear anything for a long time. Then my N decided to call me "to check in" and let me know she was going out of town blah, blah, blah. All I had to say was "Didn't you get my letter'? her reply (very snottily), "yes, yes I did". Then it gave me a quick out (diffuser) for her agenda ridden, manipulative phone call....... Click :)

  5. I'm so glad I've found this website!! I did a no contact letter to my sibling some time ago.....I'd simply just had enough. I had a friend help me write (& re-write) it to take out all of the resentments, blaming, shaming that came out of me. We took about a week to get it. Bottom line, I did bring up a few recent "situations" and also referred to my therapist. I still re-read it when I'm feeling down. Another good thing instead of trying to defend myself, I told her that her behavior is unacceptable, uncalled for and over-the-top..... It was a beautiful thing! I did send it to her and her husband, registered mail. I heard nothing for quite a while, until she tried calling me to threaten me with the police. I kindly asked, "Did you get my letter"? These N want SO BAD to get you engaged and riled up!!! When the flying monkeys came out, I was strong and would not engage with them. I kept telling them that it's not fair to them to be put in the middle. I've had to block my N from my e-mail and phone (b/c she kept upping the ante). (she created 5 or 6 new e-mail accounts trying to contact me) I am very sad about her teenage children though. Any thoughts? ideas?

    1. My best suggestion is for you to join the Facebook group where there are dozens of people who have heard/seen/experienced just about anything an N can do. Send me an email with a request and I'll send you an invitation.

    2. My husband is an N...and I have been married to him for 3 years and have been with him for 5. I finally started analyzing and observing his odd behavior. I read and found the book The Gaslight Effect. I cried through the book bc I realized there was a name for what he was doing. His constant monitoring...blaming and gaslighting made me feel crazy...and look crazy...Meanwhile he would stare at me with an odd looking smirk on his face. I travel for work and I am getting my own place. However I still see him. I am slowly breaking away so I can take care of myself. It is the most difficult thing bc he is so controlling. I need help and support to get through this. He actually told me that he pretended to talk to other women to punish me. Then when the counselor asked him...he could honestly tell her he had never even contacted another woman... um no...he just PRETENDED he was cheating so I would be upset and accuse him of cheating and he could deny it and make ME look like the one who falsely accuses him and doesn't trust. Unbelievable. Glad I found your blog. Thank you.

  6. I made the mistake 2 years ago of writing the letter listing my NMs wrongdoings. And I have paid dearly for it. The verbal abuse that I received as a result was like a ball bat upside the head. I knew she was bad, but the barrage of filth and hatred that she rained on me the last time I had contact wither was appalling and soul killing. She screamed at me that I was sick, a liar, insane and needed to be in a hospital (Man, talk about PROJECTING!) And she and her "Golden Child" flying monkey have slandered and libeled me to anyone who would listen and the "Golden Child" has even posted the most libelous garbage about me on social media. I tried the no contact/protective/restraining order route and was told by the judge that they are all the same thing and that you can't get one unless you currently live with the person, have had a sexual relationship with the person, or have a child with the person. I don't understand that because that means that if none of those things apply to your situation that your tormentors are free to harass you? It's been Hell trying to get authorities from any agency involved because the Flying Monkey is not only also a N, but a violent sociopath and so they lie for each other. So take it from personal experience, either do the generic pissoff letter above, or just walk away and pray that your NM never bothers you again.

  7. This isn't so much a comment as a question. I'm dealing with a Borderline, Histrionic 'N'. She's a former friend and
    also worked with my former attorney as a paralegal on case of mine. The two of them developed some wierd bond and threw me under the bus. They purposely sabotaged my case, scammed me out of my car, then walked away and allowed me to get illegally evicted. I lost everything. I have severe PTSD because of what they did to me. I sent a cease and desist letter to them. The former lawyer respected it, but the Borderline is still sending flying monkeys. Her latest stunt was to email my therapist and request an appointment with her. Of course my therapist refused. Dr. K was stunned at the N's level of crazy. N actually told Dr. K that she suffered from PTSD because I did (fill in the blank), traumatized her and ruined her life. Yep. She's the Queen of projection.I'm really disgusted by this last stunt. Any advice? Thanks.

    1. I would talk to your therapist about the possibility of getting a restraining order against her. If you haven't already done so, start collecting evidence...keep anything in writing that she sends you, refuse to engage her verbally (thereby forcing her to contact you in writing) and ask your therapist for a letter confirming her attempt to get in touch with her. If she emails you, print out a copy. If she SMS's you, forward a copy to your email and print it out. Do not destroy any emails or other communication from her. If she voicemails, transcribe it and then save the VM. When you go before a judge, accuse her of harassing you and present your evidence. If she is bombarding you it is important to note frequency, something like "23 messages in 48 hours,' so the judge can see how intent she is.

      It is true that an RO does not prevent her from contacting you but what it can do is get the police out there when she violates and if she violates it more than once, you can go back to court and ask for redress: she can be jailed or fined or even sentenced to mental health for contempt of court.

    2. Thank you. This has been going on since 2010. The whole community knows her reputation. The problem is she never contacts me directly. She's more covert about it. She's sneaky and digs for information about her target. I'm now convinced that she intentionally ruined my lawsuit by turning my former attorney against me. That's another problem. These people are so outrageous that the 'normal' person doesn't believe the true victims story. I finally emailed the attorney. I laid out each of her lies and accusations, then disputed it with facts. I told him to 'think like a lawyer'. She accused me of serious crimes including stealing her mail and trying to have her killed. Amazing. Theses crazies are so good that they can convince educated professionals that they are 'victims'. I pointed that out to my former attorney. If I'm trying to have her killed, then why doesn't she have me arrested? Because, she's lying and she knows it. If she has me arrested, then she'll be filing false charges and could herself be arrested. Then, how will she play the victim? My therapist has dealt with these Personality types before, so she sees through the BS. I think the feeble attempt to contact my therapist was in response to my finally convincing the former attorney to contact my therapist for 'general' information about BPD, HPD, and PTSD. I was smart enough not to allow any release of my personal information. I trust my therapist. She's not keen on working with these 'toxic' individuals. I think it is important not to generalize as some Personality Disordered individuals truly do get better and want to get better. Anyway, I had emailed the attorney with all my evidence against this paralegal. He then called my therapist to get some general information. A day or so later the paralegal emails my therapist trying desperately to get an appointment. My therapist said
      she felt the paralegal was trying to turn her against me. Everyone thinks the lawyer and paralegal are working together. They think the attorney put her up to it. I'm not so sure. I've seen this pattern with her before. Whenever I refuse to play her games, she tries to push my buttons to get a response. My hope is she escalates so I can have her arrested. Thanks.

  8. I have been dealing with a parent my whole life and I stopped contact this year and it has been the most emotionally horrific year of my life. I feel so bad for my partner and our children but I feel that stopping contact I was doing the right thing for all of us. I found this sight tonight and I can finally put names to how N is. I have been told I was overreacting, it wasn't her fault and I need to forgive for my own happiness sake. I can now say with confidence I am dealing with a histrionic borderline narcissist who unfortunately became a narcissistic grandmother when my daughter was born to the point that I had no bond with my own baby. Thankfully this year, after a year of low and then no contact, my relationship with my own daughter is progressing. It is coming up to Christmas and I have been bombarded with letters, gifts for my children and phone calls as well as requests from family members to "forgive and forget". I wrote a letter and was planing on sending it but I have been awake all night because I knew there would be some sort of emotional retribution from N. Thankfully I found this site and have used the no contact letter which I will date, sign and send. Then as far as I am concerned that is it. I have already changed my number and deleted everyone in contact with N off social media. I will not participate in this "relationship" anymore. I am exhausted. I feel like I've been to war and back. I'm wrecked. Sorry for the very long post. And thankyou, so so much.

  9. I am one of the 'fortunate' ones - went complete NC nearly 2 years ago. Excellent letter, however, and this is the one I would use, if it were necessary. I have been left out, sometimes banned, from Thanksgiving and Christmas for so many years now that I am so used to being alone on those days - periods of time - that I only feel comfortable being alone. I know that the malicious lies continue in my absence, however, the slander was going on for so many years, and I cannot control NM telling lies, nor FM and others actually believing the lies - even without ever seeking my 'side of the story'. Well, I DO have total control of myself (despite what NM and her FM say/believe), and I am SO MUCH HAPPIER being on my own, without them, any time of year. Oh, yes! Being alone is so much better than the abuse - absolutely! I am finally free!! I do sometimes wish I could expose the NM for all the abuse she inflicted upon me, and especially my son, but, the world re Narcissism is still such that my attempts to expose her will most likely only 'feed into' the malignant lies of my being emotionally unstable, crazy, et al... Thank you for this site, I look to these pages often as I realize I am not alone - just voluntarily estranged from excessively abusive relationships. Merry Christmas to All - may the New Year bring a year of peace ❤

    1. Thank you for sharing. My story is similar to yours. I get the "being alone" part. It used to make me sad but now I see it as an incredible blessing. No drama over the holidays is so nice. Solitude can be addicting. You are not alone.

  10. Thank goodness for this site. I am 48 years old and have spent most of my life being the scapegoat or the lost child. My N mum did something to me over Xmas that has made me take the decision to go NC. My enabaling father and her are still together... they both need to go. She had a rage in front of my brother golden back fired on her and he walked out not taking her side. He admits she has a big problem...told him I want NC and he will have to deal with them. He feels guilty..he never believed me. I am so happy and feel a huge black cloud has moved and allowed the sun to shine on my live. Bye N ..go spread your poison on someone else .

    1. Yes my narc mom is so toxic.. They thrive on ill will,other people sorrow.. Pain.. And they feel nothing g but thrive... They see me crumble when and give me no airtime to justify myself
      .only they can be heard I sick of being bullied abused and spitted on with all this poison

  11. Am so grateful for everyone that has shared their stories. I'm alone in dealing with a nasty N mother! You have helps me very much!! Thank you.

  12. Okay so my Narc is my 30 year old daughter! My husband and I have done and done and done for her. Rescued her from ridiculous living conditions, bought her cars, bailed her out of every bind. Then she tells us she is pregnant and needs to move in our house. We take her in, go to EVERY prenatal visit (over and hour drive) throw her a baby shower, set up a nursery, we are there when the baby is born ( I cut his cord) and basically turn our home and schedules upside down for the new baby. I am VERY bonded with my grandson as I have been his main caretaker. I am the one who gets up throughout the night and takes care of him when I get home from work. So all my N daughter does is complain about how tired SHE is (????) Finally, my husband got angry and yelled at her. He told her we have done everything..provided a home, cellpohone car, food, care for the baby...what else does she want from us? The next day, she moved out and left most of their things behind and told me I was not allowed to see him ever again. Also, all her Flying Monkeys have unfriended me and blocked me! ITs insanity!!! I have no idea where my grandson is, if he is safe and how my lazy N daughter is caring correctly for him. She is cruel, ungrateful and has absolutely no concept of empathy, kindness or gratitude. I am in agony with worry over my grandson. Oh and by the way, he has a kidney disorder and currently four months old and functioning on one kidney! I am just sick with worry.

    1. Oh dear.. I know how you feel... Cos you have been very involved... Just really think your daughter may be immature and confuse. I think you can pray cos nothing g u can do.. You are filled with love and kindness... I wish my parents have this love for me. regards

    2. This rings of just the thing a NM would say about her daughter. I question the motives of this individual. I think especially the name-calling of “cruel, ungrateful...” with no concept of “empathy, kindness or gratitude.” I can understand a hurt parent, but to call your daughter these things really looks like you need a lot of attention for allllll of the things you’ve done to just sacrifice out of the goodness of your heart. Sounds like you could be slandering a healthy child who dared put up boundaries. This is HER child. Not YOUR grandson. And to end the comment with a special “oh pity me and the poor innocent child” and that you’re “sick with worry...” I smell a rat. I smell something foul. Looks like a duck to me. Go quack your lunatic quacks with other NMs where you will find much more empathy for your plight in life. #CallItLikeISeeIt

    3. Thank you for writing this! As soon as I read that I knew something was was wrong. As you said, I smell a rat. It seemed so familiar and almost sent me into a panic attack.

    4. I also felt increasingly creeped out while reading that post! This sounds strikingly like the way my NM-in-law talks about her villian-of-the-day.
      (Btw, NC is truly glorious)

      Grieved Grandma, why on Earth would you do all these things for your daughter, for years, without setting up any kind of requirements or conditions?

      That's Not healthy.

      Above all, why would you go to ALL of the neonatals... and cut the chord?! Why would you set up the nursery, which is a fun responsibility your daughter surely wanted for herself?
      This is, almost certainly, a NM with no boundaries and a desperate need to get increased control and importance in the family now that a grandchild is in the picture.

      The name calling and black/white splitting are glaring here. Could this woman have created an entitled N daughter, or at least one without a normal sense of boundaries? Sure, that's possible.
      But the Grandma sounds
      paaainfully N.

      I think the worst part is how
      (oh! Hand to forehead!)
      grieved she is--so grieved that she gets her enabling husband to yell at the daughter, possibly in the presence of a sick four month old-- and why?
      Because the daughter has had the AUDACITY to complain that she is tired.

      Yes. She's tired.
      Being pregnant and giving birth are exhausting. You lose half your blood volume during labour! And if you read between the lines, this tired woman is probably taking care of a sick infant all day while everyone else is gone to work (since the Grandma works, how can she possibly be the "MAIN caregiver"?)
      She also is within the postnatal range when Mom's lose handfuls of hair and feel really lousy as their bodies slowly rebuild.

      So yeah. She's tired.
      Probably crushingly so.
      That is normal.
      She has the right to express that.
      Expressing how she feels does not nullify what anyone else is doing or has done.
      I hope this girl runs and gets counseling. She will need it to develop healthy boundaries and healthy parenting skills, because she likely did not learn them growing up in that household.

  13. I have a narcissistic mother who was also physically abusive to me as a child. I live 4 hours away from her, and I only see her a couple times per year. When I do see her, the narcissistic abuse picks up where it left off.
    I am going to have a child of my own soon, and I am so desperate not to repeat the abusive cycle, that I began therapy.
    My therapist suggested going no contact, but I don't know how to go about this, considering my child will be born in 3 months or so.
    Going no contact would be best, as neither my husband nor I want that behavior around our child, not to mention the anxiety it causes me.
    What would you suggest in this situation?

    1. Run, girl, run.
      Save yourself and your baby. An abusive N parent is a nightmare grandparent.

  14. I'm 62 years old and the daughter of a malignant N father who is now 90 years old. I went no contact with him a year ago and it is the best thing I have ever done. I consider myself well on the way to recovery from a horrific abusive lifelong relationship, and I do not care what my golden children brother and sister say or think. Since I always provided the majority of care, meals, doctor appointments, money, etc. to our parents before our mother died two years ago, my decision to cut off all communication with our father,thereby forcing my siblings to take over those tasks in the past year has been illuminating for THEM. I have also cut off my flying monkey little sister whose favorite sport is narcissistic triangulation with our father and gaslighting me. Interestingly, my little brother, always the Golden Child, has increasingly less contact with our father. I guess he is finally figuring out that (1) I don't lie (2) I'm not hysterical (3) our father is mentally ill (4) I have been his narcissistic scapegoat since I was 10 years old and (5) I'm DONE with this family dysfunction. Now that our father is alone and widowed, and two of his other children have belatedly discovered what a nasty piece of work he really is, he is getting his narcissistic supply from his church and community members, several of whom have complained to me about his "provocative questions" at church and in social settings. I now calmly explain that he is diagnosed with full blown NPD and coded in the Medicare system with that disorder, and that he will do ANYTHING to divert attention back to himself. I urged his minister to google NPD so the church will know how to handle him. These days, when someone asks me about my father, I calmly state that he is as narcissistic as ever. This is usually met with knowing laughter. I'll attend his funeral only to be sure he is really dead. I feel no guilt about this. I feel free!

  15. Hello,
    I ve been reading this page and some of the responses to the post.
    I am contemplating the use of the "No Contact Letter." It can be hard to let go of what you've become accustomed to after a lifetime of manipulation, and abuse. It is beautiful in it's percision how your Narcissistic parent and flying monkeys can completely with out any premeditated communication twist your words, and make inferences about your actions just to suit their needs. Ihave been suicidal, a junkie, all of the above as I "played my role"as the "PROBLEM."

    When Ifinally did get away on my own, I began to discover that I was not the person that they said I was. In fact the other people in the world didn't see me in nearly the same way as my family did.

    So, here I sit... pushing 50, and just now beginning to figure it out.

  16. Very good article, Sweet Violet (as usual). I haven't read this one until now. I went NC with my FOO almost 3 years ago and have felt such relief from not having to deal with them any longer. After I faded away, there have been a few attempts made to suck me back in - but none were successful and never will be. The latest attempt was my sister emailing me informing me that my uncle was visiting from overseas and wanted to see me. I ignored the letter because I figured that if my uncle wants to see me, he can email me himself (he has my email address) and doesn't have to go through her. As long as he and other family members and friends can't figure that out, the door will be shut to them, as well. I'm in control now and my FOO will never have me as narcissistic supply again. Keep up the good work - I can't thank you enough for all that you do for us scapegoats.

  17. Thank you for this article! I have been absolutely agonizing over if I need to write a NC letter or not. Before I was able to recognize all this distress as having a NM I have been slowly edging away from her and limiting visits mainly to holidays & birthdays the last 3 years. Every encounter would leave me physically and emotionally drained for days afterward. It has now been 4 months since I've talked to her on the phone, through email, or text messages. I feel like I've got a good start...why blindside and get a real sh*t storm brewing I figured. She hasn't done much to try to get in contact with me. A few phone calls I haven't answered and a few chipper text messages full of smily faces and no acknowledgement that there is anything amiss that I haven't responded to. She's not getting weird yet, maybe she won't... With Christmas coming I'd imagine that it would be a bit humiliating for her only daughter not to show up for Christmas dinner knowing I work from home now and not as a busy chef. Maybe she'll make up some crazy excuse for my absence to protec her image & draw pity. Either way, I will be prepared. I start therapy next week and am ready to dive into this mess and celebrate my 35th birthday next month knowing that my eyes are finally open to all her madness. That I am not the loathsome "trauma child" as she calls me. I am a person suffering from c-ptsd and ready to end this cycle of abuse. It's time to take care of myself and feel better. I'm going to relish not getting physically ill from dread of going to her house for thanksgiving and Christmas so much! Thank you to everyone who has commented here as well. It helps to know others are making the decision to honor & love themselves enough to get these awful emotional cancers out of their lives. It is time to start living for real :)

  18. I cannot believe I have been lucky enough to stumble upon this site. ALL of it is what I have been experiencing for more than two decades with my brother. He has had a couple of wives whom he has trained to go against me - one didn't invite me to their wedding - even before she knew me - however it was demanded of me to send her children Christmas gifts while they were still only living together - even though I'd never met the kids and was never told they were living together. My brother has stolen from me, made sexual calls to me (in our college years), used mine and my husband's name as the contact for his credit collectors, he's allowed his wives to socially and verbally bash me and also disinvite me to family functions - but then year after year - he calls demanding I send his step kids Christmas gifts and throughout the year he acts as if none of this hurtful confusing behavior is happening. I have finally blocked him from mine and my husband's phones and deleted him on all social media. This past Christmas he tried to send my kids' gifts, which I threw out and he then tried to speak to them via my father's (the king narcissist)phone. I am always labeled the problem through all of this. I have done well for myself, but that's me being a gold digger. I remain silent all year, only to be asked to be an aunt when it's time for gifts, even though I am accused of judging them and even though I'm not invited to be in their lives. I live far far away, but that doesn't stop the flying monkeys. I'm amazed I found this site. I am so scared to send the NC letter (he is a former NYPD detective) but I might have to if he tries to contact us again. It's my kids I need him to stay away from. I'm 46 years old and used to the abuse and I can fight back pretty well. I'm just scared for my kids.

  19. I can tell you after a 2 1/2 decades of being married to one, an only child of a pair of very narcissistic parents; it's NOT WORTH the stress on your health. I'm paying for it now. There can be absolutely NO sympathy for them. That is only another tool they use to manipulate you, usually with guilt. NEVER feel sorry for "dehumanizing" a narcissist, and don't be deluded into thinking they can change. It's a very rare thing for anyone to acknowledge they are. Those who do recognize it in themselves aren't usually severely narcissistic. They are cruel beyond imagination. They will tell any lie, blame any one, manipulate every time, and when they can't they will use their flying monkeys. To this day, I get rude treatment from people I don't even know, because they've been listening to their (N's) lying dramas and stupidly presume the rumors about me are true. Lots of people don't see through the N because they are so skilled at being charming. They are actually proud of their ability to "finesse" people, as my husband once told me...and he followed it with a sneer and said, "and I usually get what I want"....that defines a narcissist.

  20. I thank you very much for this information. I am presently facing a situation where a woman who emotionally abused me and stalked me way back in the 1980's has started calling me again. I appreciate this and am considering sending them a letter of such letting them know that I TOTALLY FORBID THEM FROM ALL CONTACT EVER AGAIN!
    No phone calls(that is where most of the abuse started!), email, text, letters, homing pigeons, second hand parties, or any other form of communication forever and one day! They are to shun and avoid me THE REST OF THEIR NATURAL LIFE! I will not put up with her stalking/emotional abuse again!
    Thank you for this posting.

  21. I like this idea. I just this past Sunday night July 2,2017 I received a phone call from a woman who emotionally abused me and stalked me when I was a young man in college in the early 1980's. I confess I have suffered emotionally a lot over what she did.
    She actually hadn't contacted me since either 1987 or 88. I had got to the point where I was feeling very safe. I up till Sunday didn't know whether she was dead or alive, where she lives or nothing! But after church Sunday night while eating at McDonalds with some friends she calls me. Fortunately my phone's caller ID shown both her name, location, and phone number. I refused to answer! I did let her put a message on my phone.
    I listened to it. She asked if I am the same Rev.######## that she knew, told me she got my number through the computer, and she wanted to talk to me. I deleted the message.
    I blocked her number. I have looked her up online to find her address with the possibility of sending a letter similiar to what you suggest, plus for possible email addresses of her's with hopes to block her!
    I have contacted my local Sheriff's Department as well as the one in the area of New York State that she lives! Plus I talked to a policeman last night I saw in McDonalds and he suggests sending a warning letter or letter of no contact to her via certified mail!
    I don't know if I label this woman a narcissist, a sociopath, a psychopath or what! I personally believe she is demonically possessed!
    I like the idea of not bringing up any charges against her. I did do an eleven page handwritten document Monday night where I listed some of my charges against her and I promise you not all the charges! However I did it only in case a court hearing is necessary.
    No in the letter I will only FORBID her to NEVER contact me in ANY SIZE SHAPE OR FORM EVER AGAIN! If I label the specific forms I probably will say, call, write, email, text, cards, greeting cards, smoke signals, homing pigeons, telegraph, messages through other people ESPECIALLY RELATIVES OF MINE, any future form of electronic or other communications that comes out, etc! That she is totally 100% FORBIDDEN to contact me ever again!
    I just want to MAKE sure this woman KNOWS that I want her to NEVER contact again!

  22. I have just now found out NM in particular and can say without a doubt my step-mother is the far extreme end. For 25 years she has whittled down myself and my 5 siblings, pitted us against each other (even as adults) and manipulated my father into a person I don't know anymore. I will be speaking with my counselor about going NC (which frankly I have been "ex-communicated" from the family off and on over several years as have my siblings in turn), with perhaps no letter to my NM. My question really lies in my siblings. We have recently starting to talk to one another directly and not through my mother (which was how it used to be for what I realize now was pure control and manipulation on NC's part). I wanted to get this communities opinion on sending letters to them explaining what was going on and that I would appreciate that that not share any information with NC. They hve children which NC has laid claim to and in order for my father to see his grand children my siblings unfortunately have to "play the game". any insights would be greatly appreciated!!! Cheers!!! Also if I didn't call her an NC there's plenty of other 4 letter words i have in mind.

    1. Hi
      I don't know if it is too late to respond to you but I am in a very similar position. I am 52 and am only just coming to terms with what has been a lifetime manipulation by my step-mom faciliated by my dad. I have been trying to detach more and more as the years have past but keep getting trampled by her. The turning point for me was when my mother died 2 years ago. I lost one of the great loves of my life when she died. She and I had our issues but had resolved most of them. I got to see my mother for the kind and loving person that she was as she devoted herself to our children. My mother sought to find things to do with her grandchildren that was fun for her AND they loved to do. She was kind and empathetic towards them.
      Anyway, hours after she died, I was overcome with wrenching, uncontrolable grief. I asked my step mother to sit with alone with me as I cried and cried. The next day, my step-mom said.. "Oh, I thought you did that so that I would feel included and needed." WHAT!!!??? That is just one of many, many instances of bizarre, selfish and hurtful things my step-mother has said and done over 40 years. She then spend the next 6 months calling me to tell me she was depressed and she didn't realize how much my mother's death would impact her. She was worried about my dad dying and being all alone etc.. She wanted me to comfort her while I was grieving for my mother. Ugh.
      In 2017 my step mother's behavior went from super bad to extremly bad. I told my dad in the fall (after a 2 month silent treatment from my step-mom during which she tried to have regular contact with our children) that I was done. He spent several months trying to hoover me back in and I just kept telling him that I was unwilling to go back to the status quo and he needed to quit whitewashing everything. He and I have had many intense conversations, some of which have left me feeling hopeful that I might still be able to connect with him. I have told him that in order to have a trusting relationship with him that he needed to come clean about his role in supporting her horrible deeds. He has said he wants to be in contact with his children (3 of us) and his grandchildren (I am the only one of us with children). I have told him that those relationships are his for the asking but that family dysfunction stops with my generation. The children are an absolute no go. Enough has transpired in terms of interactions between my kids and my step mom that he knows that she is trying to crush, control and love bomb them too. My dad says he is trying to figure out how to have a relationship with us. Can he be with us and not include my step mom.. he isn't sure.
      My question for you is -at what point do I tell my dad that I don't want to hear from him any more? At what point do I tell my brothers what I am doing? My brothers are fairly supportive but don't really know what I have experienced all of these year and some of the smear campaign against me has been pretty effective.
      Thank you for any suggestions you might have.
      I would really like to know if you have made any decisions about your family.

    2. You didn't say how old your children are--and that is important because her impact on them depends on how mature they are.

      Basically, to answer your question about cutting off your father, all I can say is that you do it when you are convinced that nothing healthy can come of a continued relationship. Remember, however, you are talking about his wife. What if your father said to you that he would no longer have a relationship with you unless you dumped your husband? Essentially you are proposing the same thing to him: you are asking him to choose between his child and grandchildren (with whom he does not have a daily relationship) and the wife with whom he has lived every day for years. If you give him that kind of an ultimatum--"it's us or her"--most likely you will lose.

      So be careful what you wish for. You are within bounds to tell him that SHE is no longer welcome in your home or around your kids, you are certainly within bounds to tell him that you want no communication with her, direct or indirect and that she should leave you and your kids alone. But to expect him to turn his back on a marriage for you--not likely to go in your favour.

      So I would suggest, when you have been run out to the end of your string, think carefully about what you are willing to give up to have her out of your life because that could be your father (I am not saying that is good/bad, right/wrong, only you can determine that).

      As far as your brothers go--why do you have to tell them anything? How is it their business? Do you usually include them in making decisions about the welfare of your family? Because unless you do, you have no obligation to start doing it now.

      If your father chooses his wife over you and your kids (because as soon as you tell him she's not welcome in your life anymore, that is very likely what SHE is going to do) then you know where you stand with him--one down from her. But I would not put him on the spot to choose. Let her do that.

  23. I love this and this is the letter I will use when the time comes. I do, however, have a question. Is there anyway to include that she cannot come to your place of work for the purpose of contacting you? She's the kind that would. Or would even wait outside till I got off work just to follow me home. (I am waiting till I move to send the letter amd I'm moving without disclosing the location to her as I don't want her to know.) Can this be included in the letter or do I just leave it alone and, if she tries it, just record it as evidence?

  24. So happy i stumbled on this blog!����


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