Were you corrected as a child? Or were you punished? Did you know there is a world of difference between the two?
My mother punished. No matter what the issue was, her
reaction was to punish and she seldom corrected. My father, on the other hand,
corrected and only rarely punished. Was it any surprise that I preferred him
over her?
It can be difficult to tell one from the other sometimes…and
to further complicate matters, some people mask punishing, critical behaviour
as correction. If your mother says “The fork goes on the left, dear,” in a tone
of voice that is merely informative, she is correcting; when she says “How many
times have I told you that the fork goes on the left? What is the matter with
you that you can’t seem to remember that one simple fact?” she is being
punitive.
As we grow up, we internalize the things we learn from our
parents. This is a normal process. We absorb their values, often their
viewpoints, and frequently their beliefs and attitudes. Depending on who your
parents are, what they are like, and how they view you, this can be a good
thing…and it can also be devastatingly unhealthy. As children, however, we
seldom have the acumen to determine what of our parents’ legacy is healthy and
what is not and, all too often, we just absorb it all.
Interestingly, we may have a conscious awareness of one or
both of our parents being emotionally unhealthy and consciously reject their
values. “I’ll never treat my kids that way!” or “I do the opposite of what my
mother did!” are things I read regularly, always said with pride and confidence
that they have broken the cycle and are providing their children with a
healthier legacy. But have they broken they cycle or have they just put their
own spin on it? Are they providing their children with a healthier legacy or
are they simply providing a differently dysfunctional life?
First of all, it you choose to do something that is the
opposite of what someone else is doing and you make that choice because it is the opposite of the other
person, you are not taking the independent stand you think you are. That other
person is controlling you just as surely as if she browbeat you into following
her lead. To make a truly independent choice you must analyse the behaviour you
wish to avoid as well as the behaviour you are contemplating as a substitute
and come up with an honest assessment of both, then choose the healthiest
option or combination of options. If your mother maintained rigid control over
your time, your activities, your comings and goings and you decide, as a
mother, your children will be given complete freedom, you are being controlled
by your mother just as surely as if you were duplicating her household rules.
Why? Because your decision wasn’t made on the basis of what is best for your
children, what each of them need individually, and the knowledge that children need limits and boundaries, it is based
on you and your feelings about your
mother. A decision to be like your mother or unlike her is still based on her and her behaviour, not on you and
who and what you want to make of your life.
This an important thing to bear in mind because, as we
internalize our parents’ values, they become a part of our own values and
beliefs. Guilt comes about when we
believe we have done something wrong. If we accept the values of other people
rather than do the emotional and intellectual work of creating our own, then we
do something that is contrary to the values of those other people, we feel
guilty even if we really have done nothing
wrong. Guilt is a punishment we give ourselves for doing something we have
been taught to believe is wrong, even if the behaviour we feel guilty about is,
objectively speaking, not wrong at all and may be, in fact, a good, healthy
behaviour.
I seldom feel guilt. That may sound like a very narcissistic
thing to say because narcissists are notorious for not feeling guilt, but they
manage that by rationalizing or justifying their behaviour, by blaming others,
by not taking responsibility for their misdeeds. I seldom feel guilt because I
have spent a lot of time thinking about and sorting out the many mixed messages
I got from the Ns in my life and comparing them to healthier attitudes from
other sources and then choosing my beliefs. Along the way I gave up religion
and embraced humanism, I gave up believing other people should behave according
to my values and began to open myself to the idea that others have the same
right of choice and self-determination that I embraced, even if their outcome
is anathema to me.
Along the way to this, I discovered something: when not
paying attention to my thoughts, I can make scathingly negative judgments of
other people…something I absorbed from my mother. And most of the time these
judgments are very shallow…based on a person’s looks or dress, for example. I
believe it is wrong of me to engage in these judgments, and so when I catch
myself doing it…
Do I punish myself with guilt? Absolutely not. Guilt is unequivocally
unproductive. It doesn’t stop me from doing it again, it doesn’t teach me
anything, it has no positive value in my life whatsoever. What do I do? I do
not punish myself, I correct myself.
I did it this morning, as I stepped into the shower. I had been reading an
article about Kesha, who had recently had a lawsuit decided against her and in
favour of a man who she claims raped and coerced her with respect to a
recording contract. My initial reaction to this was to think something unkind,
based on how she presents herself professionally (“slut chic”). But before the
thought was fully formed my conscious mind stepped in with “That’s an unkind
thought about someone you don’t know. You’ve decided you aren’t going to do
that anymore.”
Did I feel ashamed of myself? Nope. I know where this comes
from…I learned it from my mother. I also know that I am taking steps to fix it:
each time I catch myself doing it, I stop myself and remind myself that this is
not the person I want to be. Rather than be ashamed of my occasional relapses,
I feel a sense of pride in my achievements, in my ability to stop myself from
cruelly judging the character of a person by their physical appearance, and the
fact that I am catching myself earlier and earlier in the
“train-of-ugly-thought” each time.
The important thing to take away from this is that when I
punished myself with guilt, I did not improve. I did something bad, I punished
myself, it was over. Correction, by contrast, requires more than that: it
requires action that leads to improvement. I catch myself doing something I
believe is wrong, I stop myself. I remind myself to not do this thing, it
doesn’t lead to who I want to be. If it has gone so far that I have actually
hurt someone with my behaviour or words, I make a sincere apology and part of
my amends is the self-correction…the on-going effort to rid myself of the
behaviour. Guilt does nothing but punish and once you feel sufficiently
punished, you are free to re-offend. Correction demands a change in attitude,
in belief, and in behaviour.
So how do you bring an end to your guilt? It is important to
realize there are two kinds of guilt: warranted and unwarranted. The second
type comes from adopting the beliefs of other people and it leads to feelings
of guilt even when you have done nothing wrong. You stop this kind of guilt by
taking the time and making the effort to analyse your feeling of guilt and
tracing it back to the source. When you find the source is a belief that
someone gave you rather than a belief you have freely chosen for yourself, then
you choose a new belief to substitute for the old one. If you later find
yourself feeling guilty over the same issue, then you correct yourself “I no
longer believe that I am a bad daughter because I do not drop everything and
run when my mother calls. I know now that as an independent adult I have the
right to choose when I see my mother and she has no rights over me or my time. She is the person in the wrong, not me.”
The first type of guilt, warranted, comes when you have
violated you own values and ethics. Depending on what you have done, it may
require an apology to another person, and making that apology, whether it is
accepted or not, will help relieve your guilt. But to be free of it, you must
correct yourself…especially if guilt is refusing to depart…reminding yourself
that guilt is unproductive, that only by taking corrective action can you change
yourself so that such an event does not occur again.
Kesha has no idea that I was thinking unkind thoughts about
her this morning but I know I was and I won’t be doing it again. I know I might
catch myself thinking unkind things about someone in the supermarket based on
her hair or the shortness of her skirt or the tightness of her pants…but I know
that today I catch myself only a few seconds into the thought and a couple of
years ago I wouldn’t even realize I was doing it until I contemplated saying
something to my husband and realized his response would be “Meow!”
So I am proud of my progress and look forward to the day
that such thoughts are rejected by my mind before they even reach my
consciousness. Correction ultimately fixes things. Punishment by guilt does
not.
I grew up in a extremely punitive family. The scars from their whips on my arms and body still very glaring after over twenty-five years. I don't know how to effect discipline without feeling like my heartless guardians that took so much pleasure in tearing up my skin and leaving me all bloodied with their whips. I tried to write my story in 2012 but I gave it up after writing a few episodes. Reliving the pain of my childhood was way too agonizing for me. Thanks for your blog. Reading your 46 memories brought back childhood memories I would rather forget.
ReplyDeleteI commend you on your progress in becoming mindful, I also find these conversations with myself very helpful & am proud of how positive I have become, slowly negative self talk is becoming a rare thing. I have gone NC from my Narc father since June 2015 & in doing so I have become calmer, more free & content. It really is the only way. I find your explanations are spot on & congratulate you on your articulate writing. Thank you fellow Narc survivor x
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