In March of 2012 I wrote a blog entry entitled “Empathetic Narcissist = Oxymoron.” In reviewing that post recently I came across this line: “Empathy is that quality that allows us to identify with the feelings of another…Narcissists don’t know how to do this—they don’t have the capacity and because of that, they find no value in it.”[1]
In re-reading this line it
occurred to me that some will read this and their own natural empathy may lead
them to feeling sorry for the narcissist. After all, the narcissist is being
deprived of something natural and fundamental and even essential to the
building of character. That which most of us take for granted has been denied,
either through trauma or the fickleness of nature, to narcissists and some of
us are prompted not only feel sorry for them but find the fact of this
privation sufficient to give them a pass on their behaviours. This may be our
natural inclination but, believe me, to do so is a grave mistake.
While it is true that narcissists
lack empathy—it is one of the defining features of narcissism, after all—it is
not necessarily true that the narcissist experiences suffering as a result of
this lack. Empathy is not part of our survival instinct, selfishness is,
because selfishness helps us to hoard resources that guarantee our survival, even
at the expense of others. If we had empathy and shared our resources, we might
die.
Very young children are naturally
very selfish and lacking in empathy. Your infant doesn’t care how
sleep-deprived you are, he only cares that his discomfort is relieved. Empathy
is supposed to evolve as the child matures and becomes more cognizant of others
and more capable of fending for himself. Children are supposed to gradually
outgrow this selfishness, to become increasingly aware not only of others but
of the needs and feelings of others and eventually to respond to them with
emotional resonance. By the time we reach adulthood, if our development has
been on track we not only can read and write and have the basic skills
necessary for autonomy, we have developed the empathy for others that allows us
to function well socially.
Unfortunately not all of us
develop that empathy—narcissists are chief among those who lack it. We who have
grown up with an ingrained sense of empathy find it difficult to grasp that
someone can be without one. It is further difficult to grasp that they don’t
miss it at all.
How is this possible? Well, think
of it this way: if you had never eaten jellied moose nose[2], would you
miss it? You might even think that it was an undesirable thing to eat and be
glad you’ve never tasted it and have no wish to ever do so. And because you
have never tasted it, you most definitely would not miss it, would you?
Well, narcissists lack empathy.
They have never had it, they don’t recognize it when it is directed at them,
and when they realize that it can make you very vulnerable, they don’t want it.
They like to see it in others because it gives them a way to manipulate those
others, which is precisely why they don’t want it for themselves. Narcissists
do not miss being empathetic because they have never experienced it—they quite
literally do not know what they are missing. But, like you and the jellied
moose nose, they aren’t exactly eager to experience it.
So, ask yourself—should I feel
sorry for you because you have never tasted jellied moose nose? Should I excuse
bad table manners and look the other way when you eat your spaghetti with your
hands—both hands—because you, poor thing, have never been able to eat jellied
moose nose? If you don’t care about it, don’t want any for yourself, and don’t
feel deprived by the lack, why should I feel bad for you because your life—and
diet—has been deficient in the jellied remains of a moose’s nose? Wouldn’t I be
guilty of wanting it for you more than you want it for yourself? What business,
actually, is it of mine?
Is it any different with empathy?
If the narcissist doesn’t miss it (because he never had it) and doesn’t want it
(because he believes it leaves him open to manipulation), why feel bad for him?
Don’t say “I know how I would feel…” because that doesn’t matter—what is
germane here is how that narcissist feels. If you think he feels the way you
would, that is projecting (which is a narcissistic trait—check yourself for
fleas!) and it has absolutely nothing to do with how that narcissist feels.
So, because he lacks empathy, he
doesn’t know any better and you should cut him some slack, right?
Nope. Unless he has been living
under a rock in a cave in the bowels of an ancient volcano, he knows better
because the clues are everywhere. Movies and TV shows often are no more than
elaborate morality plays that effectively demonstrate that characters who lack
empathy end up negatively. Books, news articles, overheard conversations—all
contain the general consensus that people who lack empathy are assholes and
idiots, disliked and disrespected.
That means that narcissists know
what empathy is and they know that the society expects some degree of it from
all of us. The narcissist also knows that he can use the vulnerabilities that
empathy exposes to manipulate others—which means that if he develops empathy he
will be vulnerable to people like himself. The narcissist well know what
empathy is and she knows that it is a powerful means to manipulate and control
others, either by manipulating their empathy or feigning her own.
The truth is, you cannot miss
something you have never had. You can want it, you can yearn for it, but you
can’t miss it. If you are inclined to feel sorry for a narcissist for his lack
of empathy, imagine how you would feel if I were to feel sorry for you for your
lack of jellied moose nose experience? You might appreciate that I was thinking
of you, but if I offered to bring you a nice big plate of it, wouldn’t you
quickly decline my offer?
And so it is with the narcissist
and empathy—she doesn’t feel bad, she doesn’t suffer from her lack of empathy
any more than you feel bad or suffer from your lack of acquaintance with the
jellified moose snout. You might think the narcissist is missing out on
something beautiful and necessary but the narcissist will have a very different—and
quite valid—point of view.
Why is it valid? Because it never
works to want something for someone more than they want it for themselves. Because,
no matter how much we believe we are right, we don’t have the right to impose
our wishes for someone onto them, not even narcissists. They have the same
right of self-determination as you and I do, and it is just as sacrosanct, even
if it is self-serving and counter-productive. Because we don’t have the right
to try to change other adults to suit ourselves, no matter what. But most
important, because that narcissist has a perfect right to be a narcissist, to
continue being a narcissist, and to even enjoy being a narcissist. We do not
have a right try to change them or even to expect them to change.
This can be difficult to accept
because their lack of empathy can make life very difficult for us and when
something is going wrong in our lives, we have a natural instinct to want to
change it. If our narcissistic parent is wreaking havoc in our lives it is
natural to wish for that parent to change and stop doing it. We impute the same
emotional processes to the narcissist that we, ourselves, enjoy and so we
believe that those things that motivate us will motivate them. But we are
wrong. You cannot appeal to the empathy of a person who has none and you cannot
give empathy to someone who doesn’t want it.
Most of all, you cannot empathize
with a feeling that is not there. When you feel bad for the poor narcissist who
is devoid of empathy you are not empathizing, you are projecting. You are
assuming that the narcissist is feelings the same pangs you are feeling when,
in fact, the person is not feeling bereft at all. That is how you believe you
would feel if your empathy were to disappear tomorrow and you are projecting
onto that narcissist—it is not at all the nothingness that the narcissist is
feeling.
1. Sweet
Violet. “Empathetic Narcissist = Oxymoron.” The Narcissist’s Child. http://narcissistschild.blogspot.co.za/2012/03/empathetic-narcissist-non-sequitur.html
(accessed January 19, 2018).
2. Wisniewski,
Laura. “Fresh Eyes: Jellied Moose Nose.” Bozeman Magazine. http://bozemanmagazine.com/articles/2014/02/27/22796_fresh_eyes_jellied_moose_nose
(accessed January 19, 2018).
