JADE: You don’t owe your Ns anything

From the NPD Glossary: As long as you feel you are obligated to JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain) or you do it to forestall a narcissistic blow up, you are succumbing to emotional blackmail and passively allowing your N to dictate your choices for you.

This can be a difficult concept to wrap your head around. Conditioned since early childhood to be obedient and answerable to our NParents and never allowed to individuate in adolescence, many of us enter adulthood believing that we are still answerable to those parents, and will be for as long as they live.

This, in case you didn’t know, is not normal. The teen years is the time that children are supposed to be learning how to be independent adults. A normally developing teen who has normal parents will have the stability and security of the parental home but, in increasing amounts over time, be allowed to make more and more personal, life-influencing decisions. They begin learning to take care of themselves, they begin trying on adult responsibilities, and their parents begin relinquishing control.

In a household dominated by a narcissistic parent, however, the exact opposite is the case. The Scapegoat Child is not allowed to individuate because that way lies independence, something the NP does not want because it threatens the NP’s control over the child, control that is necessary for the security of the NP’s NSupply.

What is insidious here is that our NParents have taken something that was initially something that benefitted and protected and taught us and they have twisted it into something to benefit themselves, not their children. In a household with normal parents, children learn necessary life-skills through learning to persuade others (justify), to win others to their point of view logically (argue), to stick up for themselves and others (defend) and to make their positions or decisions clear to others (explain). These are all valuable abilities in the larger world where you job—even your safety—may depend on these skills. Unfortunately, for the children of narcissists, these skills are not learned in an atmosphere in which they can develop into useful talents.

For their own safety, it is important for children to be answerable to their parents. If a child does something disobedient or dangerous, a rational, loving parent will require an explanation or justification of the deed before deciding if a punishment is required and what kind of punishment will be invoked. A rational, loving parent will allow a child to discuss (argue) issues with him, even if he doesn’t give in: argumentation is a valuable life skill and adults are often called upon to make rational arguments to support their positions. A rational, loving parent will call upon a child to defend his or her ideas or notions, an essential part of learning critical thinking. A narcissist parent, on the other hand, will require a child to defend him/herself. Unlike the rational, loving parent who elicits their child’s opinions and who guides their thinking, the narcissistic parent will demand that the child agree with the parent, forcing the child to justify, argue, defend and explain himself, perhaps his very existence.

Rational, loving parents allow—even help—their children to individuate and gain independence. As their children grow and mature into young adults, the reins of parental power are loosened and the child grows from a subordinate to a peer in which his/her opinions, while perhaps not agreed with, are respected. The narcissistic parent, however, is unwilling to make that transition from superior to peer and seeks to keep their children subordinate forever.

In a normal household, children will grow into adults whose parents love them no less than when they were dependent babies, but who respect their autonomy as independent adults. In a narcissistic household, however, no matter what the children accomplish in their lives, they are forever expected to be subordinate to the authority and wishes of their NParent.

Growing up with an NParent, learning to justify, argue, defend and explain are not stepping stones to independent and critical thinking, they are the life preservers of the embattled subordinate. They are the means by which a person might be able to talk his way out of an Nrage. They are a means to placate the beast, to save one’s own skin. They are not useful, positive life skills that can be used to advance oneself, they are the result of having been put on the defensive by a narcissistic onslaught.

Enough years of this and JADE become habituated. First we anticipate the NRage and we offer up our justifications in advance, hoping to forestall the rage. Eventually we simply adopt these behaviours, putting ourselves on the defensive before anyone else even has a chance to, and then reacting to that defensive posture with JADE. We may even perceive attacks from others where there are none, becoming defensive when there is nothing to defend against. And when we habituate this behaviour, we don’t even see it anymore.

This all came about because your N refused to relinquish his/her emotional control of you as you grew up. The appropriate role of demanding that you be able to explain yourself and your actions ended when you became an adult, but they refused to give it up. And you, habituated to being on the defensive and believing that you were still answerable to your N, did nothing to end it.

But the truth is, you aren’t really answerable to anyone but yourself and duly constituted authority. You are not answerable to your Ns and, believe it or not, they are way, waaay out of line to pretend that you are. They have absolutely no right because once you become an adult you are no longer accountable to them. You can stop justifying yourself and your choices, you do not have to argue with them, they have no right to try to put you on the defensive and you owe them no explanations, no matter what they try to tell you!

This may be hard to grasp and it may even sound like victim-blaming, but past the age of your majority, you have a choice in the matter and if you are over 18 years of age and your N are abusing you or attempting to hold you accountable to them, you are permitting them to abuse you. Yes, there are consequences for standing up to their abuse—and that is exactly why it is a choice: you are choosing to submit to the abuse rather than stand up to them and take the consequences.

Is this okay? Actually it is, as long as you are doing it consciously and for a reason. When it is by conscious choice, that is a very different situation. When you have considered your situation and weighed the trade offs, when you know you are choosing to put up with their shit because it is worth it for the benefits you are deriving, then it is ok because you are in control of it. You know you can leave if it gets too much, you know the reason you tolerate it, you know the benefits you are getting outweigh the crap you are dealing with. You have control of your life and you have chosen this, it is not being forced upon you. It is a battle you have chosen and you can un-choose at any time.

If you don’t owe them JADE, do you owe them anything? What about respect? It has long been my opinion that you owe everybody respect, right up to the moment they earn your disrespect. Many people seem to think others should earn their respect, but if you really think about that, it quickly emerges as a very narcissistic frame of mind. Who, after all, believes the entire world needs to earn their respect except a narcissist? But if you give respect to everyone, you can selectively cease to respect those who have earned your disrespect through their own actions.

So what do you owe your NPs? A better question would be “What do you owe yourself?” Because that is where everything has to start. Nobody lives your life but you and that means nobody but you has the right to make choices about how it will be lived. Do you like being in a situation in which others think they have the right to demand you justify your every choice, option, decision? Suppose your mean-spirited Aunt Maude calls and wants you to come to tea on Saturday and, based on experience, you know it is going to be weak tea, stale biscuits, and nasty, rude gossip about everybody she knows. Do you want to go? When you respond do you say “No, I can’t, I don’t have transportation that day…” thereby justifying your refusal? And if she offers to pay an Uber driver to pick you up and bring you back home, do you argue with her, perhaps give another excuse? And when that doesn’t work, do you feel backed into a corner, defensive, fighting to find a way to get out of it without just saying “No, thanks for the invitation but I must decline.” Can you even say that without feeling like you must explain why you must decline? You have been trained to JADE by your Ns but that training was for their benefit, not yours, so you can stop now. You owe yourself honest, authentic communication with others, explanations only when you feel they are appropriate…like when my friend called me to join her for dinner at a restaurant and I had already eaten. “I’d love to come, but I’ve already eaten.” We ended up meeting for dessert.

What you owe yourself comes first. In a conflict between what you owe someone else and what you owe yourself, you must come first. Nobody has the right to demand that you justify, argue, defend or explain yourself, no matter what they may believe. Only you have the right to decide if any of those things are appropriate to the situation and if you decide it is, then it nobody’s decision but yours to decide what and how much you say.

She doesn't acknowledge people’s feelings: Characteristics of Narcissistic Mothers Pt 21

The black text is a shortened version of an original work by Chris, The Harpy’s Child. Original at https://sites.google.com/site/harpyschild/ Copyright 2007, all rights reserved

[There are two basic types of narcissistic mothers, the ignoring type and the engulfing type. These may—and often do—overlap but most NMs have a basic style and will be primarily one or the other. Some of the following points may not apply to your NM simply because they describe an engulfing characteristic when your NM is an ignoring type—or vice versa. But our mothers are not the only narcissists we will encounter in our lives. In fact, being raised by a narcissistic parent actually sets us up to be prey for more of the self-centred emotional vampires as we go out into the world, from girlfriends who are anything but friends to lovers who love themselves best to husbands who are the mirror image of dear old mom. So, whether something looks like it applies to your NM or not, read and consider it carefully—it may give you the awareness necessary to avoid the predator lurking around the next bend. As ever, my comments are shown in violet. -V]

It's about secret things. The Destructive Narcissistic Parent creates a child that only exists to be an extension of her self. It's about body language. It's about disapproving glances. It's about vocal tone. It's very intimate. And it's very powerful. It's part of who the child is. ~ Chris

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Part 21. She seems to have no awareness that other people even have feelings

This is her lack of empathy in a nutshell. Without awareness and concern for the feelings of other people (and animals as well), it is impossible to have empathy for them. And without empathy for others, people behave as if they were the only people in the world who have feelings.

She'll occasionally slip and say something jaw-droppingly callous because of this lack of empathy. It isn't that she doesn't care at all about other people's feelings, though she doesn't. It would simply never occur to her to think about their feelings.

This is very true…it is as if the filter that most of us have that keeps thoughts from popping out of our mouths is not present. Where you and I might think something rude or inappropriate, we keep it to ourselves either because we don’t want to look like insensitive clods or we don’t want to hurt another person’s feelings: NMs think they are right about everything and don’t expect others to view them as insensitive but as right. And the feelings of others is simply not part of an NMs thought processes—only her feelings matter.

Malignant NMs take it a step further. They intentionally say callous, cruel things for the purpose of stirring up some drama, whether it is to get a rise out of somebody or because they expect the other person to react. My MNM was a racist and didn’t care if anybody heard her, including members of the group she was disparaging. My best friend in junior high and high school was a Jewish girl and everything was fine with my NM until she found out the girl was Jewish, then the shit hit the fan. I never told my friend, but I am sure she wondered why I quit inviting her over to my house: my NM had not forbidden me to see my friend, but she had forbidden me from having a “dirty kike” in her house. But even if she hadn’t forbidden her presence, I would not have invited her anyway—it was very unlikely that NM would keep her antipathy to herself with a real live Jewish person…a vulnerable teen aged girl at that…in the house.

Her insensitivity and lack of awareness of the feelings of others, the complete lack of empathy, is best embodied in her attitude when I had a miscarriage and, due to a serious infection, nearly died. She was in California, I was in Boston, and my husband was overwhelmed with the duties of taking care of two toddlers and trying to work. Expecting a normal mother response (“Oh no! My daughter is sick in the hospital and my grandbabies need me—I’m going to Boston!”) he got a shock when she chewed him out and told him to stop calling her. Then she called me and, completely disregarding how I might feel being just out of isolation, after days of unconsciousness and the loss of my baby, she proceeded to tell me that the miscarriage was a good thing because I didn’t need “more brats clinging to my skirts,” that if I didn’t have contraception to keep my legs closed, and to stop malingering and playing the doctors to get their sympathy so I could stay in the hospital and get home to my husband and kids so he would stop calling her!

Fourteen year old girls can be hormonal, hypersensitive, contrary creatures. When my daughter was fourteen, she spent some time talking with her grandmother on the phone one afternoon and when she hung up, she was in tears. When I asked why, she told me that Grammi had spent most of their conversation complaining about her own children, finishing up with “I wish I have never had children—I should have had cats instead!” My daughter turned to me, eyes streaming tears, saying “If she never had children, I wouldn’t be here! Does she wish I was dead?” It obviously had never crossed NM’s mind that my daughter would be hurt by her words…and if she had seen my daughter’s reaction, she most likely would have accused her of “deliberately misunderstanding” and “turning on the water works for sympathy.”

An absence of empathy is the defining trait of a narcissist and underlies most of the other traits [herein] described.

If you are not sure if your mother is a narcissist or not, this is the trait to watch for. But don’t be fooled by fake expressions of empathy—narcissists, especially older ones who have had a lot of practice, often know the words and facial expressions and social conventions and can make a convincing act. It is away from the situation that you find the real person. It is what they say when they think they are not at risk of being found out that tells the truth.

In the old days, when people regularly had servants, they didn’t care what they said in front of “the staff” because they weren’t really people to them. Narcissists are much the same way inside the family and even with a few friends who share or tolerate their disorder. So, where your mother might coo and ooh and ahh over a relative’s new baby, out of earshot she will say rude things—like my NM when her aunt had a baby late in life. I was excited about having a new baby in the family…NM was congratulatory on the phone and sent the expected card and gift—it was her mother’s sister and it would not do to slight Nana’s sister—but once she put the phone down, she was nasty. Auntie was “disgusting” to have a baby at her age; she and Uncle should be “over that by now” and on and on and on. She had no joy for her aunt and uncle, no pleasure at her new cousin’s arrival…her feelings were centre stage.

Unlike psychopaths, narcissists do understand right, wrong, and consequences, so they are not ordinarily criminal. She beat you, but not to the point where you went to the hospital. She left you standing out in the cold until you were miserable, but not until you had hypothermia. She put you in the basement in the dark with no clothes on, but she only left you there for two hours.

Actually, psychopaths do know right from wrong, they just don’t care. This scholarly article explains a study done in 2009 to determine if they did or not. For those not up to reading the whole article, here is the abstract: “Adult psychopaths have deficits in emotional processing and inhibitory control, engage in morally inappropriate behavior, and generally fail to distinguish moral from conventional violations. These observations, together with a dominant tradition in the discipline which sees emotional processes as causally necessary for moral judgment, have led to the conclusion that psychopaths lack an understanding of moral rights and wrongs. We test an alternative explanation: psychopaths have normal understanding of right and wrong, but abnormal regulation of morally appropriate behavior. We presented psychopaths with moral dilemmas, contrasting their judgments with age- and sex-matched (i) healthy subjects and (ii) non-psychopathic, delinquents. Subjects in each group judged cases of personal harms (i.e. requiring physical contact) as less permissible than impersonal harms, even though both types of harms led to utilitarian gains. Importantly, however, psychopaths’ pattern of judgments on different dilemmas was the same as those of the other subjects. These results force a rejection of the strong hypothesis that emotional processes are causally necessary for judgments of moral dilemmas, suggesting instead that psychopaths understand the distinction between right and wrong, but do not care about such knowledge, or the consequences that ensue from their morally inappropriate behavior.” Psychotics may not know the difference, but psychopaths and narcissists both know what the society around them considers acceptable.

Narcissists, like psychopaths, seek to advantage themselves and simply do not care about right and wrong except as they define and rationalize it. A narcissist will blame the victim, saying “Look what you made me do,” or “Don’t make me hit you,” when, in fact, the N has many choices other than hitting, and the victim is not compelling the N to choose hitting. The narcissist rationalizes and minimizes her transgressions and fully expects the victim to do the same. And while the narcissist may well know that whatever it is she is doing may not be “right” in the eyes of the neighbours or the authorities, the narcissist’s denial of reality coupled with her ability to rationalize and justify has the narcissist convinced that the others are wrong, and probably too stupid to even realize it. Punishments of children that normal people might consider to be over the top are viewed as necessary, desirable, clever, guaranteed to be effective (even in the face of repeated failure) to the narcissist. The outrageous is normalized in the eyes of the narcissist, although it may well be hidden simply because she is aware that other people might take exception to her methods.

One of the problems this creates is that the children brutalized in this manner also normalize this kind of behaviour and punishment. It can give rise to children of NMs who, while not liking severe punishments meted out to children, wholly believe in their appropriateness, necessity and effectiveness and go on to use them with their own children, lacking other parenting tools. And the normalized inappropriate treatment is not limited to physical abuse, which seems to be more the hallmark of the Malignant NM. Psychological and emotional abuse are no less devastating—and no less likely to be adopted by the children when they become parents if they have no alternative behavioural models…this is called “having fleas.”

I once knew a man whose stepmother gave birth to her first—and only—child in her 40s. She did not want a child, she was dismayed and distressed at the whole prospect of pregnancy and childbirth—and the inherent messiness of children just added to her unhappiness. He daughter was a very headstrong child, adding further to her issues. When her two-year-old misbehaved the mother would slap the child repeatedly on any body part available and yell at her “You stop this or I won’t love you any more!” She would also threaten that her father, who absolutely adored her, wouldn’t love her anymore, or that she (the mother) would “run away from home.” Since the mother did not appear to be an N in other respects, I suspect this was a legacy from her own mother, a woman with nine children who was born and raised in the 19th century.

Whether the mother commits this kind of psychological abuse on her child out of narcissism or fleas is immaterial: the result is pretty much the same. A child threatened with the loss of love of her parents as a result of her behaviour can become terribly insecure and fearful; a child whose mother threatens to run away develops abandonment issues. And, because the mother clearly implies these dreadful things will happen as a result of the child’s behaviour, the child may also come to have an over-developed sense of responsibility, to feel anything bad that happens in her family is her fault, even if she cannot clearly see or articulate why. No mother, flea-ridden or narcissist, can inflict this kind of abuse on a child if she is aware of the child’s feelings, if she has empathy for the fear and pain this can inflict on the child. The mother with fleas may do it because she simply has no other tools for managing her child and even empathize with the child’s pain but know no other way to discipline. Hopefully, their own empathetic pain drives these mothers to seek out alternative means of disciplining their child.

But the narcissistic mother, even if she also has fleas, differs in that to her, the child has no feelings or, if she acknowledges the child’s feelings, they do not matter. What matters is the NM getting what she wants from the child, regardless of cost to the child, because what the NM wants is all that really matters.

Next: Part 22. She blames.