Why are some people so gratuitously cruel? It’s more than “because they can”…in my opinion, it is because they get something out of it…a feeling of superiority, perhaps.
My grandmother once told me that if you look hard enough,
you can always find something to compliment another person on. I decided to
test that out and, sure enough, she was right. Even in the case of a co-worker
who dressed like Ugly Betty and wasn’t much more attractive…she was a very nice
person who had a wonderful, infectious laugh. The day I said to her “I just
love your laugh!” she lit up like she had been plugged in…and seeing her so
delighted made me feel good, too.
Years ago, after years of wanting one, my husband gave me a pretty
little Yorkie puppy for Valentine’s Day. I was over the moon…she was so cute,
and such a little sweetheart. We took her with us everywhere, bought her
jerseys and cute outfits and a pretty pink collar with her name spelled out in
rhinestones and my husband even sent to America to get her a dog stroller
(pram) because walking on a leash in crowds was a terrifying exercise for her
(as an adult she weighs less than 7 lbs…as a puppy she wasn’t even 2 lbs!). We
went to “slow food” and farmer’s markets and craft fairs and other outings with
our little doggie girl securely leashed into her pram and she was such a
delight. She is very outgoing and loves attention, so when people would stop to
greet her, she would wag her tail and raise up to be petted and even give out
kisses if her admirer was so inclined. Every weekend there were at least two or
three people who would whip out their camera phones and take snaps of the cute
little Yorkie wearing a frilly dress, her hair done up with a bow, and sitting
sweetly in her pram.
And then one Saturday morning at the farmer’s market held at
the nearby ostrich ranch, we ran into someone who didn’t admire the little dog
but who couldn’t be bothered, like most people who didn’t find her
overwhelmingly cute, to just walk on by, saying nothing. She stopped and bent
over the pram and Puddin’ began wagging her tail and raising up into a “sit up”
position to get petted. The woman ignored her and turned to me and asked “What
kind of dog is this?” “A Yorkshire Terrier,” I told her, whereupon she
proceeded to tell me, in indignant tones, that my dog was not a "real" Yorkshire Terrier, she was a poor example of the breed and
should never have been allowed to live! She went on to point out every fault
she perceived the dog had, ending with a reiteration that my precious baby was
such a poor example of the breed that she should have been put down rather than
sold to someone gullible like me. And then she stomped off in a huff. Not only
was I shocked and stunned, so was the dog: accustomed to being adored and
petted…and being highly intelligent…she knew that for some reason she did not meet
with that woman’s approval and she sat in the pram, ears down and tail tucked,
as if she had done something worthy of a scolding.
Now, I have bred dogs in the past and I am well aware of
breed standards. I already knew that Puddin’ would never make it as a show dog,
but I didn’t want to show her, I just wanted a sweet little dog to cuddle and
play with and she fit that role admirably. Spunky and with a cheerful, loving
temperament, she was everything I had expected and more. And after that
dreadful woman’s diatribe, my poor puppy sat in her pram with what can only be
described as a “hangdog” look, and her only sin had been to attempt to greet
the woman and bestow a little Yorkie love on her.
I cannot fathom why that person would take such issue with
my dog…she’s not a show dog, but she is healthy and personable and
well-mannered…what’s not to like? The only thing that I could think of was the
possibility that this woman had a show-quality Yorkie of her own and it made
her feel superior…and to reinforce (or milk) that feeling of superiority, she
had to belittle my dog (and probably any other dog that did not meet show
standard). It was not about my dog at all, but all about her.
I am uncomfortable with praise and have been all my life. A
curt “this is good,” is all I can take without feeling squirmy, but I don’t
feel that way about others. You can wax eloquent about how brilliant my husband
is, how cute my kids are, how endearing my dogs, and my sense of pride just
blossoms. Go on like that about me or my attributes or my achievements and
anything beyond “ya done good,” makes me feel uncomfortable. And I don’t know
exactly why.
When all of those people admired my little Yorkie, I felt
proud and, seeing how she loved the praise and attention, felt good for her—I liked
seeing her happy and obviously enjoying the admiration. And when that awful
woman scorned my little puppy in such harsh terms and sharp tones, I felt bad
for the dog as much as for myself because it was obvious that the little sweetie
knew she was being maligned and the set of her ears and tail showed she felt
bad about it.
I get comments and letters all the time from people who have
read posts on this blog and took away information that helped them change their
lives for the better. I received one such letter over the weekend and, while
reading it, began to have an awareness of my own feelings on the subject. On
the one hand, I am always very pleased to hear that people have been motivated
by what I write and as a result, begin looking critically at their lives and
taking responsibility for making changes. On the other hand, as soon as someone
writes something greater than “Thank you, Violet,” when they get into more
lavish praise or fulsome commentary, I start to feel uncomfortable. Just what
the hell is that all about??
It’s odd, but I notice that when someone says something nice
about me to another person, I am gratified but when they say it to me directly,
I feel uncomfortable. I have tried to better define that “uncomfortable”
feeling I get and the closest I can pin it down to is that I somehow feel
vaguely threatened. That, of course, is absurd—how can anyone feel threatened
by being praised? And yet, there it is—I do not know how to appropriately
respond, on an emotional level, to being praised and appreciated.
Intellectually I get it, intellectually I am pleased and gratified…but
emotionally, I shy away from feeling
pleased and gratified and feel somehow threatened by it.
I just checked the thesaurus for synonyms for “threatened”
and was rather surprised by what I found: endangered, vulnerable, susceptible, exposed,
helpless, defenceless, disappearing, in danger. And it begins to make a little
better sense…if you use my little dog as an example, she had come to have an
emotional investment in the positive interactions she had with people: their
praise and admiration made her feel happy. And that correlation between the
praise of others and her feeling of happiness left her vulnerable, exposed, and
defenceless to the killjoys of this world, like that woman who thought my dog
should be perfect or it should be dead. Puddin’ approached this woman, all
doggie smiles and innocence, expecting a pat on the head and some
positive-sounding noises and instead, she got what sounded to her like a scolding.
She had no idea why she was being scolded, what she might have done to deserve
it, but she knew she was being found wanting and that woman was hostile about
it.
Now, this was a puppy…imagine if it was a child? This little
dog had faith in the world and in strangers…up to that moment, her every
interaction with people outside the family had been positive, and her little
spirit bloomed. She was a happy dog and she projected that and people responded
to it by giving her positive attention, which made her an even happier dog. And
then that woman happened by and stuck a pin in her balloon.
But she is a dog and she recovered…her detractors were few
and her sunny disposition drew positive attention. Even today, at 5.5 years of
age, she is still a happy dog, eager to meet new people and exchange greetings
with them.
But what about little Violet? What happened that the child
grew into a woman who feels vulnerable, exposed, endangered by being directly
praised? What occurred that, instead of feeling proud and pleased when the
recipient of praise, my first instinct is to feel powerless and imperilled? I
also notice that I often give others credit for ideas that were, in fact, my
own and that I am pleased when they
receive the praise instead of me.
This is undoubtedly linked to my childhood and my narcissistic
mother but I can’t, for the life of me, remember a time in which I received
negative attention specifically for accepting praise from another. I do know,
however, that NM was always give centre stage and that any accomplishments I
made were, one way or another, attributed to her. If I got an A on my report
card, it was because she “wouldn’t accept anything less and the kids know it.”
If I won a prize at a talent contest, it was because of her sacrifices in paying
for lessons and the amount of time she “selflessly” devoted to making my
costumes, putting on my make up, and fixing my hair. Whatever I achieved, she
usurped. Perhaps I divined that objecting to her taking my limelight was a
dangerous thing to do, and that the safest course of action was to simply step
back and deflect onto her all praise and credit for whatever it was I was being
lauded for.
It makes sense but, quite frankly, I have no recollections
of anything like this. But, ordinarily, I am not a shy, retiring kind of
personality but rather a gregarious sort, known for my ability to tell funny
stories…it doesn’t seem to fit with the woman who easily gives credit to others
and deflects praise as being uncomfortable. It tells me that there was
something in my childhood…probably very early in my childhood…that makes me shy
away from positive attention directed at me by others. Something that gave me
sense of foreboding from praise, a feeling of being threatened as the recipient
of positive attention…as if I were stealing the thunder from a great and
powerful giant.
How deeply buried this must be that it is only now
surfacing, more than 60 years later…and I still have no clear sense of what it
is. But rather like finding a black hole, I can only infer an event…or series
of events…from what evidence is available to me: an outgoing personality known
for entertaining conversation who systematically deflects praise and avoids
taking credit for successes and good ideas. Something is definitely wrong here…even
my dog revels in praise and positive attention…why am I afraid of it?
