It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Do it yourself: 10 Commandments of Dysfunctional Families Pt 8

From The 10 Commandments of Dysfunctional Families
by Thomas F. Fischer, M.Div., M.S.A.

8. Thou shalt not let anyone do anything else for you. Do it all yourself.

Sample Situation: Parents continually remind the child that no one is to be trusted. If they do something for you, they're doing it to manipulate you.

Lesson Learned: Stay aloof and don't make friends with anybody. After all, if you get too close, they'll use, hurt and abuse you. And remember this: nobody does anything for anyone unless they want something from you.

Motto: Do everything yourself.


Any household in which one or both of the adults are narcissists is dysfunctional. You cannot have a narcissist at the helm of any kind of organization, domestic or otherwise, without dysfunction reigning. One of the things we can never forget about a narcissist is that they judge others by themselves. It is a type of projection kinda combined with rationalization: projection because they are projecting their own beliefs, feelings, values onto others, and rationalization because once they believe others are the same way, then they are “normal” and their beliefs, feeling and values—and the behaviours that issue from them—are okay.

Narcissists do not “get” altruism. If they do something for you, there is an ulterior motive behind it. That ulterior motive may be to gain them something (like Nsupply or even something more tangible) or it may be to disadvantage someone else…but whatever the motive is, no matter how invisible it may be to observers, it is definitely there. Narcissists consider altruism to be stupid: why put out all that effort and get nothing back for it? And they presume nobody else is truly altruistic, either…and if nobody is really altruistic, then apparently altruistic deeds are really, in their minds, some kind of manipulation they just haven’t been able to suss out (and adopt for themselves) yet.

Because narcissists view altruism in such a light, they are loathe to allow anyone to do anything for them unless they can clearly see (or create in their minds) the motive for doing so. If they cannot see or create a motive they can believe, then they will believe that the person is attempting to manipulate them, to take advantage of them somehow…because in their minds, nobody does something for nothing.

My NexH had such parents. Both were narcissistic, the mother of the “martyr” variety, the father one of those guys overstuffed with pride. In the mid 1960s, when his oldest daughter was ready for university, there was no money to pay for it, so she applied for student aid. Unfortunately for her, student aid was based on family income and her father was too proud to admit he needed some help sending his daughter to college. He refused to complete the required paperwork citing a litany of paranoid fears as the reason: nobody, including the university or the government, would loan his daughter, who was just 18 and had no credit rating, the tens of thousands necessary for a university education unless there was some kind of invisible string attached…a string that involved getting hold of his personal, private financial information. Because he couldn’t see himself lending that kind of money to an untried, unproven 18-year-old girl unless he had some kind of ulterior motive, he would not believe that anyone else would, either. Releasing that information would allow someone outside the immediate family know how tight their finances were, what a poor provider he was, and that was a humiliation he could not endure—not even to send his daughter to a fine university. The daughter went to university and she got her degree—but she had to do it herself, working and paying her own way: there was no money in the family to help her and her father, like a textbook narcissist, put his feelings ahead of her well-being...and Dee had to do it herself.

Children learn by example more than any other way. They are natural mimics but they mimic a lot more than the words you say or the body postures you display. Like little sponges, they soak up your fears and prejudices, your beliefs and values. And if you demonstrate to them that nobody can be trusted, that everybody is out to take advantage of you, that is what they will absorb and carry into their adult lives.

There is a multitude of ways to make this demonstration. Have you ever heard something like “If you want something done right, you have to do it yourself”? or “Do I have to do everything around here to make sure it is done right?” A perfectionistic parent can imbue a child with the sense that nobody else can do it right, a sense that in order to have something done properly, one cannot trust others. They are unforgiving of the smallest deviation from their rigid standards, not even flexing a little to allow for a learning curve or lack of experience. “If I can do it, you can do it,” is their credo, and your lack of perfection is seldom viewed sympathetically. Instead, it can be viewed as a manipulation: you screwed up in order to get out of it rather than lack of expertise or talent or time to perfect it.

Children who grow up in this kind of environment often either become rigid perfectionists themselves, beating up on themselves emotionally when they fail to achieve their own lofty—and often unattainable—standards of perfection. Or they may become underachievers, afraid to reach for their potential because they know they cannot possibly be 100% the first time and nothing less is acceptable. They cannot accept help…needing help is proof they are unable to perform to standard. “Anything worth doing is worth doing right,” my grandfather used to tell me, along with “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” My NM, on the other hand, used to say “Do it right or not at all—no half-assed measures!” The former allows for a learning curve, for repetition and improvement; the latter is irrationally perfectionistic, a set up for failure, and typically N.

A narcissist will shamelessly take advantage of anyone, even their own small children. And because they will, they firmly believe everybody else is the same. If they make friends, it is because they expect to benefit somehow from the friendship—and they believe the friends expect the same. The reason narcissists make such poor friends (and seldom can sustain long-lasting friendships) is because they take what they entered the friendship to get, but the narcissist considers herself too clever to be manipulated and taken advantage of, so when the friend needs something, the narcissist bails. “Friends” are people who want to take advantage of you, the narcissist believes, so you only make friends with people you can get something out of, and then if you are clever enough, you get out before the “friend” can get anything from you.

A good example of this is my GCBro—every autumn my Dad would cut trees from his woodlot and he and a bunch of friends would get together to cut them into logs and then split the logs into firewood. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement: they all cut and split and stacked wood into the back of the pickup trucks and trailers, helping each other out. At the end of a day's work, everybody had a truck and/or trailer full of wood for the winter. My grandmother, who was in her 80s, even helped, operating a hydraulic log splitter. My GCBro showed up, everybody helped load up his truck and trailer with wood, then he went across the road to to Gramma's house where she made him a big lunch. When he was done with his lunch he said good-bye to Gramma, got in his truck and drove away without helping the rest of the people. He just took Dad's wood and the labour of his friends and went home without lifting a finger to pay them back in kind, getting what he wanted out of the association without the other guys “taking advantage” of him.

Some narcissists seem to be able to sustain long-term friendships but an examination of the friendship may turn up a dynamic that is anything but friendly. Think about a “mean girl” cluster of friends (which can occur at any age)…or, an extreme example might be gangs. Inside the group is a pecking order, one person clearly the leader, the others “minions,” and below the minions, the “wannabees” who are often targets themselves, but may serve as additional minions. This isn’t exactly what I, personally, would call “friendship,” but it serves the Ns, the leaders of these groups. If you look into the roles of the family members in dysfunctional families, you will find them replicated in these groups, with some of the roles—like the scapegoat who is responsible for all their troubles—sometimes assigned to outsiders.

Rigid rules surround the group to control their behaviour. Some groups are ruled by the strongest, most dominant personality while others, like outlaw motorcycle clubs, elect their president and officers—who are usually the strongest, most dominant personalities. But the narcissist cannot even trust the people within the group—he knows he is not trustworthy, so what would lead him to believe others are? So even if the narcissist belongs to a group and appears to have friendships within the group, s/he still remains alone because there is no one they can trust.

The inability to trust is devastating to personal relationships. Many narcissists marry—repeatedly, in some cases. But too often they project their own untrustworthiness onto their partners and become controlling, suspicious, accusative, and even violent. Only if the narcissist has chosen a co-dependent or enabling kind of person can a relationship survive the distrust. The relationship may survive, but it will inevitably be dysfunctional, producing yet another generation of children who cannot trust, who must do things themselves in order to assure they are not being manipulated or taken advantage of by others, and who must be loners in order to feel safe.

Next: Ten Commandments of Dysfunctional Families:
9. Thou shalt be perfect


  1. How true about the N's inability to comprehend altruism. I try not to toot my horn, but on occasion NM has "caught" me in such "worthless" acts as crocheting blankets for charity, to which she responded in disbelief, "You're not going to send your things to some junky places, are you?" Baking cookies for an elderly shut-in neighbor brought a disgusted "That's expensive! You shouldn't spend your money on that" in reference to the ingredients.

    I've never understood this about her, especially since she was a die-hard churchgoer and I'd always thought the Bible commanded us not to turn our backs on the poor and lonely. I never asked her for money, so it wasn't hers I was spending. Why was she so heartless, and worse yet, why did she berate ME for not being likewise?

    Oddly, the last time I heard from her (2+ years ago), it was to mail me information on crocheting scarves to bring to her church, where a lady was collecting them to send to soldiers. No doubt then she could crow, "My daughter made those!" and then people could praise her for raising such a nice daughter who'd take time to make something for some soldiers...but the anonymous old folks, well...what's the point of that.

    For the N, there can be no pure satisfaction in knowing one brightened up another person's life just a bit; one must be acknowledged and but good, at least with a formal thank you note telling one what a wonderful, kind, generous person one is, and how can someone who doesn't know your name and can't even afford a postage stamp do that? :(

    Thank you again for clarifying the "reason" behind some things I've tossed around in my head for so long, trying to make sense of.

    1. "For the N, there can be no pure satisfaction in knowing one brightened up another person's life just a bit; one must be acknowledged and but good, at least with a formal thank you note telling one what a wonderful, kind, generous person one is..." Oh, how right you are!!

      When I was a child my mother used to package up my old dresses and play clothes (I was not hard on my clothes so they would be in very good condition) and she would send them to my uncle for my cousin who was my same age but a smaller child. I cannot remember how often I heard NM complain bitterly about not receiving a thank you letter from my uncle or aunt. She KNEW how humiliating it had to be for her older brother to accept charity from his sister, and this was the brother she despised (she adored her younger brother)--she definitely did not do it out of the goodness of her heart but as a way to humiliate him...and then she expected further humilation in the form of gushing thanks for her good deeds.

      By contrast, I once lived in a neighbourhood in which all of the houses had the same floor plan. My next-door neighbor was on welfare with 5 kids--her husband had abandoned her for another woman when the youngest was an infant, she had a 9th grade education and wasn't terribly bright anyway. When I got something new for my house, I would always go next door to have her "taste test" some new cookies or something for me and while we were chatting I would mention I was getting a new stove or carpeting or drapes, lament the cost of having the old stuff--which was in good condition--hauled away, and wait for her to offer her sons (who were teens by this time) to help out. I would "gratefully" thank her for the help and then not say a word when I saw my cast-offs later on in her house. It was a game we played to save her dignity, and I think this might be the first time I have ever told anyone about this...

      My N would have bragged it about if it even occurred to her to give it to her poverty-stricken neighbour at all. We had such a neighbour when I was a young child and NM blackened her reputation and literally ran her out of the neighbourhood, then crowed about it, a self-styled hero for ridding the neighbourhood of a "bad influence" who depressed property values with her shabby house.

      They simply don't get it, do they? Altruism is beyond them unless it is fake, like they are, and the result of their manipulations. Nasty creatures, all of them.

      I, too, am tossing things around and trying to make sense of them. That is a large part of this blog--making sense of the dynamics of life with an NM. Slowly but surely, it comes together and it actually works better for me to know that what I figure out and share will be read and critiqued by others--keeps my speculations and deductions rational! So thank you as well for reading and commenting. I appreciate your support!



  2. Dear Violet, that was very sweet (and so un-N-like!) of you to figure out a way to not only give to your needy neighbor, but to do it in such a way as to spare her dignity. I'm sure she was so grateful, and your knowing you'd helped her blessed your heart more than any "thank you note" ever could.

    Yes, I remember reading in your blog about that poor woman that your mother drove sad! Who do N's think they are? Our next door neighbors, though not "poor," failed to scrape all the stickers off their new house's windows for quite some time, and how my NM's tongue wagged over THAT...really?

    The children in the next house, I wasn't allowed to play with, as their house was untidy and NM said I would bring home roaches. My father would let me visit the little girl or allow her to come down after school, provided we only played til before NM came home from work at 5. Once, my friend forgot her doll at my house, and when NM saw poor dad! :(

    NM also felt the need to crow that another playmate's parents had "had to get married" because the woman was *gasp* expecting a baby, "and that baby was your friend!" she finished triumphantly.

    I've figured out lots of things about N's, but really, what causes them to think they're so much better than everyone else?

    And speaking of thank you notes, my oldest sister and I actually joke (in a sad sort of way) about those thank you notes...she will send me a formal, "official thank you" e-mail to acknowledge even a birthday card, saying we need to show "we're from a good, proper family." Sometimes we send each other "thank you for the thank you notes" and it goes on and on.

    Well, despite all the horrors we DONM's have gone through, I believe there is a silver lining to the dark clouds. Think about it, we've seen the hurt and destruction these people have inflicted upon others, usually the most vulnerable victims of all, and we've purposed ourselves to try our very best to do the exact opposite.

    For me, that meant never berating my children (okay, other than to get exasperated now and then when they lived here and declare them slobs on occasion). It never ceases to astonish me, that they are so full of confidence and never seem to doubt themselves. They plow fearlessly into new opportunities without thinking twice.

    Me, I returned to college as an adult, got a single B- in one course (after many A's, a few A-'s, and a couple B+/B's), and got so discouraged that I quit only a couple credits shy of a degree, convinced I could never succeed. I think we DOMN's have a way of self-sabotaging...better to quit than to go ahead and face certain failure, as anything less than perfect equals failure in our eyes.

    I see the difference in my outlook and my children's, and realize that even though I wasn't the best mother by far, unconditional love and acceptance, encouragement, and allowance for mistakes, must have made a big impact in how they turned out. When I feel badly about how I am, I try to tell myself, at least I didn't inflict the same on my own offspring; they are "whole" individuals who hopefully will raise their own children in a healthy way. I don't think any of them feel "stupid," "crazy," incompetent, or any of the other things that have held me back.

    DONM's like ourselves can have true empathy when we see others in pain, because we know how it feels to hurt. We can know how to give to others unconditionally, because we see through the facade of giving with strings attached.

    And you, you've used the horrific way you were treated to help so many others, turning something so bad around into something good. You don't know how it feels to read something that just clicks as true, that explains and validates so many things I could never understand. Many many thanks!


    1. Your second-to-last paragraph, Poohbear, suddenly revealed to me why I so obsessively dislike Tracy Culleton and her site--and why I think she is an N. We DO know how it feels to hurt and we empathize with those who do: Tracy bans these hurting women without explanation or warning, ignores their pleas for mercy or explanation, and in some cases, blackens their names when others notice they are missing and ask what happened to them. This behaviour is SO narcissistic, the pain they inflict on those women SO raw, and they do it because it is in their own personal best interest to be rid of women who can see through their facade of giving WITH strings attached.

      Here, there is nothing but my stories, what I figure out, what I read from other sites or in books and then cogitate on, and the input from others with their experiences and insights. No ulterior motives, no profit motives, no book based on the agony of others planned for the future to line my pockets at your expense. Just a desire to continue figuring it all out and, if others can be helped along the way--as others have helped me in the past--so much the better.

      I'm glad you've found benefit in this, Poohbear but believe me, I benefit every bit as much as you do from hearing back from people such as yourself, reading your experiences, thoughts and feelings. Thank YOU!


I don't publish rudeness, so please keep your comments respectful, not only to me, but to those who comment as well. We are not all at the same point in our recovery.

Not clear on what constitutes "rudeness"? You can read this blog post for clarification: