It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.

Friday, November 9, 2012

The Art of No Contact: Part 2

What to expect from your NMExpect she will neither like it nor respect it. A narcissist will not respect your boundaries unless they align with what she wants. Each NM is different, but there are several common responses to learning your daughter has gone NC with you: 1) hoovering; 2) shaming; 3) outrage; 4) denial; 5) pathetic self-pity; 6) sour grapes: ignoring you, pretending she initiated (or wanted) the lack of contact. Your NM may have more than one reaction and she may segue from one to another.

A hoovering attack may be combined with denial: she will show up at your door the day before Christmas…or maybe at your holiday party that she found out about from a friend or relative…bursting with good cheer and overflowing with presents. She will act like she had no idea you didn’t want contact with her any more and silently dare you to shut the door in your own mother’s face. She thereby puts you between a rock and a hard place: if you let her in, she knows how to break your NC—show up and silently dare you to rebuff her (especially if she brings a witness like her sister or husband or a niece or nephew); if you shut the door in her face, now you are the bad guy with everybody in the family, most especially if she brought the aforementioned witnesses. What do you do? NC means NC, nobody said it was going to be easy or that it would win you a popularity contest: you say “I told you I wanted nothing more to do with you,” and then you shut and lock the door. And if she won’t leave, if she keeps pounding on the door or ringing your bell, you call the police.

Shaming is usually also combined with denial, only this time she refuses to believe you mean it. “What a terrible mother I must have been to raise a child with so little gratitude and love for her own mother!” She may send cards and letters, emails and texts, and get family and friends to contact you, all with the same message: you should be ashamed of yourself for treating your poor mother like this, you are breaking her heart. What do you do? You don’t answer the phone when she calls, if other people try to intervene, you tell them that this is not their business, thank you for your concern, but kindly butt out. You don’t open mail from her, you delete her emails and texts unread. If she starts pestering your friends, co-workers or employer, you send her a cease and desist letter, preferably from an attorney, threatening legal action if she does not stop.

If she is a malignant type, she will go into outrage mode. How dare you take control of the relationship and end it? She is the mother (meaning she is the superior entity in the relationship) and you are the daughter (meaning you are the subordinate) and you have no right to dictate to her. Actually, you do…but she will not acknowledge that (her denial at work). She may decide to retaliate by badmouthing you or worse. I know of an instance where a narcissist actually impersonated her target and took out a contract to buy a refrigerator and then took delivery of the item and never made any payments on it. The target was shocked to find her credit damaged as the result of a “bad debt” she had never even taken on. I battled with a person who has the same name I have who took out a five-figure loan with a credit union and made no payments, as well as a Macy’s account she did not make payments on. These were, to the best of my knowledge, errors on the part of the creditor but it still damaged my credit…imagine if your NM were to do the same (and some of them will). With a malignant NM, or one who reacts negatively to such acts of autonomy on your part, you have to be on your toes because her revenge could be anything from calling in to cancel your telephone and electricity accounts to sending anonymous letters full of lies to your employer. Be prepared for anything from them. What do you do? You do not break NC, you use the remedies provided by law and hope she does something so illegal that she actually can get arrested for it—and you have her arrested; you keep a journal of her incursions into your peace and try to get a restraining order, otherwise.

What to expect from other people, including your friends
Outside of immediate family and perhaps a few very close family friends, you just don’t tell anybody. Unless they have been victimized by a narcissist, nobody you tell will “get it” because they simply cannot conceive of a mother behaving so badly that you would not forgive her and keep the relationship going. By revealing that you have cut off contact with your mother, you risk people viewing you as somehow emotionally deficient when, in fact, it is they who are lacking in empathy.

If it becomes essential to reveal that you are NC with your mother, the way I handle it is to say something like “You know, the world is full of unpleasant people who just don’t care about anything but themselves…I am sure you have met a few of them. Some of those people reproduce and they are no better to their kids than they are to anyone else. Unfortunately, my mother was one of those people.” Most people will mumble something like “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” and drop the subject. If anyone pries further, you can simply say “I prefer not to dwell on it,” or “I would rather not discuss it.”

Family, on the other hand, may be trickier. Even if they know what your mother is like, you may find yourself pressured to forgive her, to “be the better person,” or to “get over it.” You may find yourself called “bitter” or “childish” or worse. People will implore you to “think about her feelings,” and tell you how much you are hurting her. Don’t fall for it. What all these urgings have in common is that nobody is showing any concern for your feelings at all, it is all about hers! Who is saying “Oh, goodness, Ophelia, how awful that must have been for you, that it was so bad you actually had to cut off contact with your mother…”? Who is supporting you, the victim in all of this? Even after my mother lied to the family and dragged them unknowingly into being participants in stealing my children and keeping them away from me for eight years, my grandmother begged me to “bury the hatchet” with my NM for the sake of “family unity.” This is what I meant when I said, earlier, that you may have to cut off contact with a host of other relatives when you go NC with your NM, because most of them will side with your NM, no matter what she did to you, for the sake of “family unity” and because they do not want to admit she has fooled them for all these years into thinking she was a much nicer person than she really is. And they won’t like your violating that “sacred motherhood” thing, either.

Maintaining NC
Whether you send a letter ending the relationship or just fade away, at some point either your NM will try to contact you or someone may try to do it on her behalf. What do you do then?

Snail mail, packages, flowers, etc. Unless you suspect the mail contains something you would want to keep, like your baby pictures or some family heirloom (NMs will sometimes spitefully send all of your pictures and keepsakes back to you, rather like a girl breaking her engagement by throwing her ring in her fiancĂ©’s face), then open the package. DO NOT READ ANYTHING that may be contained therein, like a letter or card. You can open them to make sure there is no old photo or cash inside, but the minute you read something from her, you start the churning going on inside yourself, the churning you wanted to stop with NC. The best situation is to have someone else open the packages/envelopes and give you whatever is in there that might be of interest to you, but in the event that you have to do it yourself, do not give in to the temptation of reading what she wrote to you. Instead, burn it in your fireplace or barbeque. If the contents are gifts of some kind, donate them to Goodwill or some other charity; if she sends flowers, ask the delivery person to take them back or take them to the nearest nursing home. If it’s a check, burn it (she will have proof you received her gift and presumably kept it, based on her getting the cancelled check back), if it is cash, you can either keep it as a small bit of compensation for the years of pain she has visited on you, or you can give it to a charity…preferably some charity she would not like supporting (or to the campaign fund of a politician you like but she doesn’t).

Email, chats, forums, Facebook: If she is on your Facebook or other social media site, unfriend and block her. If there are family members who take her side against you, unfriend and block them, too. They won’t be able to see anything you post. You may want to close all of your online accounts that use your name or a name she would recognize and re-open them in a name she wouldn’t know. My NM was not computer savvy, but if she had been, she would never have figured out Sweet Violet was me—she was too self-absorbed to make the connection (Violet was my paternal grandmother’s name and NM’s mother collected Japanese porcelain in the Sweet Violets pattern). Choose a name your NM and family members won’t figure out. (If you collect dolls, for example, calling yourself “Doll Lady” or “Ms. Jumeau” or using the name of your favourite doll might give you away; but if you are afraid of horses, Quarterhorse Queen would completely throw them off your trail.)

No Contact is just that: NO contact. Do not read her mail or email or texts—delete it, throw it away when you receive it and never, ever respond. If she telephones you, hang up as soon as you know who it is—get caller ID so you can tell by the number that it is her, don’t take calls from her, delete texts unread. If you want to really throw her off the scent, return all mail to her with “Moved—left no forwarding address” written on the envelope in a handwriting she won’t recognize.

If you have children, you have to have them involved as well: NC is pointless if you have a kid sabotaging you because he wants his Christmas and birthday loot from Grandma: and Grandma will exploit him to any extent possible and undermine you at the same time. And your husband or long-term partner has to be on board as well because there is nothing quite so damaging as your NM calling while you aren’t home and getting into cosy little chat with your partner who thinks you are being “a little hard on that sweet old lady.”

How you handle NC with kids can be tricky. If your children are small you can simply say nothing to them and if they ask later on about their grandparents, you can simply say “we do not get along so we don’t see each other.” If your kids are older, or even teens, it is not so simple. Older children will require that you flex some parental muscle: “we are not in contact with them and do not plan to be in the future,” spoken in your best “because I am the Mom and I say so” voice may be all you need. It is really not advisable to go into the gory details of your life with a personality disordered mother if your kids don’t have any experience with that kind of personality—it may cause them to fear that you will do the same kind of thing or it could cause them to simply disbelieve you because the tales seem too far-fetched. Both of those outcomes can lead to behaviours on the part of your kids that you just don’t want to motivate. Teens, on the other hand, are at a totally different place in their lives: they are individuating and learning to make decisions for themselves. I would not bring up the topic of NC with Grandma, but if they bring it up, it is time for the “not a nice person” chat. You may also be able to appeal to them from the standpoint of bullying: they know what bullies are, they may have been bullied, and if you can give an example or two where you were bullied by your own mother, you could elicit some empathy from them. If none of this works with your teen, then some more parental muscle flexing is necessary: “…we do not have contact with them…when you are over 18 and out on your own, if you want to make contact, you are welcome to do so. But this household does not have any contact with them.” It may not work, but it is certainly worth a try.

Be aware that keeping your kids from their grandparents and other relatives, while it protects them from the undermining and toxic messages, may make them resent you for depriving them of their grandparents and cousins. Some grandparents will single out a grandchild as the Golden one or another one as a Scapegoat. My MNM had four grandchildren and when she died she not only disinherited me, she disinherited three of her grandchildren (one of whom she had refused repeatedly to even meet!) and left half of her estate to the fourth grandchild. Another DoNM I know has said that her NM sends Christmas cards to her kids with money in them…except for one child, who gets nothing but a card. Your children can learn a lot of nasty stuff from a narcissistic grandparent; your children can also grow up to resent you for keeping them away from that same grandparent. It’s one battle you may not be able to win, so you have to choose the consequence you feel is the least damaging.

Be aware that one of the problems of maintaining NC is you and your all-too-human memory. Our brains tend to soften and wipe away some of the sharp edges of our unpleasant experiences, forgetting the specifics of our hurts, leaving only the more benign images immediately accessible. It is a protective mechanism—imagine living a life in which you could never escape the emotional pain of horrible experiences? If we could clearly remember the pain of childbirth, the agony of the hours, would any of us ever have a second child? No, the body takes the sharp edges away, the mind dulls the pain and that’s where we get fooled: we forget stuff and we start to doubt ourselves.

The NM of a DoNM friend of mine, Ambrosia*, started a hoovering expedition at just about the time Ambrosia fell into that “…maybe it wasn’t as bad as I thought…” mindset. The peace NC can bring to your life can actually make you susceptible to that because NM is not there all of the time, doing things to upset and hurt you and thereby keeping you constantly reminded. Ambrosia’s NM actually offered to go to therapy with her, if that would help restore their relationship. Ambrosia accepted her NM’s offer, but with warnings from me and others to be on her guard. Sure enough, NM “graciously” offered to book a session with a “wonderful therapist” who turned out to be an uncredentialled “New Age” practitioner who was wholly unprepared for a narcissist’s games. Ambrosia ended up with the “therapist” faulting her for not listening to her NM and not falling for the woman’s crocodile tears! Then, assuming this one session with the bogus therapist had made everything OK again, the NM invited herself to stay at Ambrosia’s house while she was in town for a wedding and began planning an overseas trip for the two of them (completely ignoring that Ambrosia has a husband, children, and a business!) and just generally started engulfing her all over again. Forcefully reminded of why she went NC in the first place, Ambrosia had to re-establish her boundaries with her NM, uninvite her from staying over during the wedding, and step back from the whole reconciliation thing.

One thing that might help you from getting caught in this forgetfulness trap is journaling. Start now, start today, even if you don’t plan on going NC at this time—there will come a day when an in-the-moment reminder of not only your NM’s behaviour but your feelings about it, is helpful to you, even if only trying to explain to someone close to you—like a fiancĂ© who can’t understand why your mother isn’t invited to the wedding, or a close friend who just can’t seem to “get it” about narcissists. Often times it isn’t just the action she perpetrates, but the sheer volume of incidents, the never-ending, unceasing nature of one little episode piled on another like drops of water wearing away a rock. And when the erosion stops and we begin to heal, sometimes we second-guess ourselves, like Ambrosia did, forgetting what it was really like and thinking maybe we overreacted and were too harsh in cutting off contact completely. Our own empathy and compassion can sometimes be our own worst enemy when it comes to dealing with NMs.

So, if NC is that bad, if it is that tough, why does anybody do it? Because as tough as it can be, it is better than being worn down daily by the actions—or the anticipated actions—of an NM. In the beginning it can be very fraught, people taking issue with your decision and trying to talk you out of it, but eventually, most of them back off—a flying monkey or two may keep at you, like your GC sibling or your Enabling Father—but, for the most part, the pressure dies down and you start getting some peace. If you changed you phone number and got an unlisted one, you stop jumping with anxiety when the phone rings; if you got a new email address, you stop dreading opening your email, you stop waiting for that phone call or text that will ruin your day. You begin to heal, slowly at first, but faster as you being to actually feel your freedom. You stop living in fear, you become less hypervigilant, more open to new ideas, feelings, experiences. You start actually feeling autonomous. You begin to live in peace. As hard as NC can be, I cannot think of any DoNM I have ever met or corresponded with who has gone NC only to regret it.

If you read this whole thing and have decided that NC is perhaps a bit too daunting for you, though, you might want to consider going Low Contact and see if that relieves some of the pressure. You can always go NC at a later time if LC doesn’t work for you. Whatever you decide, I wish you the very best of luck!

* not her real name

Next: Low Contact

22 comments:

  1. Great articles on 'No Contact', Violet. It's true - I've been NC for about six years now and don't regret it at all! What a relief to have cut out the toxic Ns and their flying monkeys, too. As hard as things can be now, at least I'm dealing with 'normal' problems (albeit on my own, but hey, it's not like I ever had any help previously). When you finally cut off that last tentacle, you realize how much simpler life is and how much more energy you have when you don't have to constantly navigate the minefield that is living with Ns or having them in your life. It took about three years for the dust to settle, and yes, my MNM stalked me, badmouthed me, trashed my reputation amongst her friends and the relatives still on her side. She did the self-pity. She wrote an overwrought letter in which SHE forgave ME. HA!!!!

    When I went NC, I had no idea what Malignant Narcissism was - still had not discovered blogs like this and didn't even know there was a name for witches like my 'mother' and that this is one of the strategies for recovering DoNMs, but I just knew I had to do it in the name of self-preservation. Wishing you all the best, Violet, for providing this detailed resource on coping and forum where we can share our experiences, learn from each other, and grow and take comfort as well, in knowing we are not alone.

    :)

    Lola

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    1. Thanks Lola, for chiming in. Every DoNM I have ever known who has gone NC has only regretted breaking her NC, never the NC itself.

      Glad to hear how well it worked for you...let's hope this encourages others who are wrestling with the NM demon to give it some serious thought.

      Hugs,

      Violet

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    2. Oh man, I once broke contact with my N-sister and read an email before deleting it. I can laugh about it now, three years on, but at the time it devastated me and I experienced a renewed intensity of panic attacks and agoraphobia. It was a vicious letter in which she surmised that I was now an alcoholic, junkie, prostitute with AIDS and that ultimately I was going to commit suicide because that's how women like me end up. She left out the plague of locusts, but damn - she used every slur and accusation she could think of. Anyway, to hell with her and her N-mommy. Thank goodness I went NC and I never, ever think about breaking it anymore. What I loved about this post is that it prepares those considering NC for the possible scenarios that will ensue. Knowing what to expect can make things easier for sure. I naively thought it was over when I left. Little did I know that I was not going to be 'allowed' by them to commit such a mutiny. NC is definitely worth it ultimately, but I wasn't ready at all for the craziness that followed! It's been six years now, but I feel like my head only stopped spinning two years ago. The amount of energy they put in to shaming you, guilt-tripping you, stalking you, manipulating others to do pressure you etc etc is mind-boggling. Having said all that, the peace of mind I have now is priceless, and I am so very glad I did it.


      Thanks again, Violet, and thanks to all the nice folks leaving comments about their experiences. Best wishes :)

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  2. It is good to be out of the net - NC is a freeing decision, a decision for me, a decision to take time for me and those I love, to think through how I'm going to live my life from now on, to stop being met with shame, guilt and scorn at every turn, to close my ears to the constant gossip and slander, to be free to be who I am in the world. It's easier for me than for most people - I live on another continent than WWW and her Flying Monkeys - but there are family events coming up that I don't wish to miss and I won't stay away just because the 3 Weird Sisters are there. So I get to test myself - to continue NC while in their presence! Thankfully, I no longer get that sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about seeing them -THAT should have been a large red flag when I was still in contact with them! Even the anger is dying down - in their own words, that's "just how they are!" No change possible from this end! Thanks for this post - I don't think I'll weaken and go back to contact with my tormenters, but it's good to hear from people with experience that NC must be a permanent position. Sometimes my head is still more in touch with narcissism than my heart...

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    1. How right you are Toto! NC is such a freeing decision!

      I applaud your decision not to get back in touch with your tormenters--YOU may have grown and changed but THEY have not (unless it was to get worse). Don't put yourself through it...there is no point in it (unless you do it to amuse yourself).

      Your comment about having a sick feeling in your stomach when thinking about seeing them--SO correct. I used to feel that same queasy clenching when it was time for my MNHusband was due home from work. But as said earlier, we were trained to accept dysfunctional as normal, so we ignore those red flags, cues and clues. I was married to the SOB for 13 years, "normalizing" that sick feeling every night, thanks to my early training in abuse tolerance.

      I'm glad you got out and I am further glad you have been able to reach a point at which you can attend the same events as them and remain NC. That takes chutzpah! YAY for you!

      Hugs

      Violet

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  3. I think CZ has forgotten more about narcissism than I'll ever learn in my lifetime! I think it's an insidious and multifaceted issue that manifests in so many ways. One thing is absolutely true: out American culture promotes and nurtures narcissism. It rewards it.

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    1. I absolutely agree that American culture promotes and nurtures narcissism and rewards it. And it isn't going to change until we vote the narcissists out of office in our local, state and national governments and replace them with people of compassion and empathy for their fellow man (and woman). With compassionate people running the governments, it will allow for a more compassionate populace. Today we live in a semi-anarchic "every man for himself and screw the rest of you" kind of culture where nobody gives a crap about anybody else as long as I've got mine...it wasn't always like that, but as long as our leaders model it for us, people will see it as the way to success.

      Hugs and thanks for writing

      Violet

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  4. My NM sent my pictures back to me at 16 years old. Every picture, every card, every trophy…etc. I gave her one of the albums back about 5 years ago, so I might see it in the mail before long…LoL For people who think they are the smartest ppl on the planet, they sure are pretty predictable after a while.
    You’re right about not reading the cards. I read one and broke the NC rule and called. I regretted it, and I’ve never called back again.

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    1. That was very smart of you, Me. And it only took you once to learn it--excellent!

      When your broke NC, was it difficult to re-establish it? Or did you have an ignoring NM who made it easy?

      The choice is highly individual, but it seems to be working for you and I am glad to hear that.

      Hugs,

      Violet

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  5. Thank you for so honestly analyzing every facet of NC. For the first time since I started reading and writing here, I've understood and owned responsibility for my decision NOT to go NC with my narcissistic father.

    It's not worth the danger and the hassle. It's as simple as that.

    My decision makes me "dirty" but it's simply realistically safer for me and my FOC right now.

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    1. There you go--for some people it just isn't the right choice, although that may change later.

      But it bears careful consideration before deciding whether to do it or NOT do it. And we much each make the choice that works for us.

      Hugs,

      Violet

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  6. NC is a metaphorical death; there will be grief (not only from within yourself) and likely more grief work to be done post NC. One of the most important lessons I learned post NC was the use of language: Psychob, my MNM was referred to as "my biological mother" to others who were acquaintances or Professional colleagues rather than close friends. That phrase was useful in foreclosing any further discussions of the non-productive variety.
    Much like yours, mine was both Engulfing as well as Ignoring, depending on her agenda. Their responses are predictably unpredictable: Psychob did not seem too concerned when I initiated LC/MC as she remained secure in her innate belief I would continue to play the game. LC was a function of my assertion that I was unable to afford a telephone (while securing an unlisted phone number) reducing our contact to snail mail communication only. Of course, my "unavailability" at her whim eventually led to a series of snail mail tantrums worthy of any 3 yr. old. It did however, give me time and space to reclaim my life, to reflect on the nature of our relationship as well as determine the prognosis for the relationship which was "Poor."
    NC was the most life-affirming decision of my adult years, despite the 18 years of retribution she engaged in prior to her death. Her post NC behavior further confirmed my decision spectacularly. I would absolutely choose to deal with a terrorist periodically than on a daily basis, to have a life that is not a Life Sentence or to leave to "fate" and the Medical Community the right and responsibility to live my life free from further abuse.
    TW

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  7. Thanks for these posts. My NM just told me she's thinking about moving to my city when my parents retire in a few years. I went into immediate panic mode because I'd just finally managed to move hours away from her and find some mental peace. In my panicked Googling, I discovered she is probably narcissistic and, thankfully, you've made recommendations for dealing with it!

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    1. Minerva, on the right side of this blog you will find a list of websites and another list of recommended reading. If you are unsure about your NM, you can start reading with those sites and books. The fact that you experienced a sense of panic at the idea of her moving closer to you is a good indication that your subconscious views her as toxic...it is good that you are paying attention.

      If you choose to read, the books I would recommend first are Toxic Parents by Dr. Susan Forward (an eye-opener for me!) and People of the Lie by M. Scott Peck (if you are not Christian, just ignore the religious dogma and concentrate on the psychology). Both books are seminal in recognizing narcissism and what it really is.

      Best of luck to you and you are welcome here any time!

      Hugs,

      Violet

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    2. Thank you for your recommendations - I'll definitely check those out.

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  8. I deal with NM the way I deal with everyone who is "not quite the ticket" these days. I can't be bothered to get revved up when people talk sh*t about others nowadays...I find it hard to see how people can get so excited and gloat about others' misfortunes, but they do...so I limit my contact with them and give a balanced opinion...they are very boring people! My mother still gets cards...she used to complain like mad about just about every one I gave her unless they had roses on the front...so now I spend 25 p on them and she gets what she gets and can moan all she likes. I couldn't give a fig whether she gossips or not and that really is the key, not giving a hoot. Most people (unless they are really THICK) can see what the N is like anyway.

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    1. I am afraid I will have to disagree with you on that last sentence. Very few people are aware of narcissism and many (most?) narcissists are very good at putting on a wonderful false front to those outside the immediate family, giving the impression of being wonderful, compassionate, loving human beings when, in fact, they are nothing of the kind. Most people, including very intelligent and compassionate people, are sucked in by the narcissist's superficial charm and unless they find themselves victimized by the narcissist, many NEVER see what the N is really like.

      I am further going to have to take issue with your "key," not "giving a hoot." By your own admission you have adopted that attitude with everybody who is "not quite the ticket" (which I interpret to mean people with whom you do not agree or of whom you so not approve), which tells me that you have adopted the narcissist trait of lack of empathy and compassion as a coping strategy.

      Your one paragraph sounds bitter and angry and just a wee bit superior and exasperated. I am sorry you have to deal with an NM--I wouldn't wish that on anyone--but the most effective ways to deal with it do not include adopting narcissistic behaviours and attitudes as defence mechanisms...there is no joy in that, no healing, no release.

      I am sure your technique works for you, at least for now, or you would not be using it. Eventually, however, it can become burdensome. If you ever want to find your way out of the narcissist's trap (as opposed to playing her game), please stop by again and perhaps I can offer some suggestions to help you.

      Hugs and best wishes to you

      Violet

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  9. I love you blog and thank you for sharing your story and great info. I went NC at age 17 Because i couldnt take any more abuse. It was rough being so young and on my own, but fortunately Most of my NMs family members had already either cut her off or had been cut out by her so slowly i reconnected with them. I fell into the same trap as ambrosia unfortunately did and after 17 years of NC i allowed some contact. I completely agree woth everything you wrote- my memories had faded and i had become a mother. I thought maybe i had been wrong about somethings and afterall being a mom is hard. My "mother" talked about her therapy and how she had changed. Well she hadnt and was only able to keep up her "act" for about a year. She began acting like her same narcisissitic self. Tryimg to control my life, acting like my husband didnt exist, telling people my last name was my maiden name when it wasnt. The list goes on and on. It culminated when i confronted her about her behavior toward my husband and i set up a boundariy. She reverted to ignoring me so i pressed the issue. She told me she wasnt going to address this with me and When asked why she said "im the mother!" which we a know meant shes the boss and im so lowly ots not worth her time. I told her she should google NPD and go talk to her therapist again but to never contact me again. The flying monkeys (my idiot enabling father and flea botten sister) launched a full on attack of my character and projected all of my moms flaws onto me. I had to ask tp be left alone several times and it finaly stopped when i told them i would file a police report.

    Its been only a few weeks and im sticking to NC. Im just scared that retaliation may still be on its way and im back to looking over my shoulder.

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    1. It's been my experience than in most cases, retaliation is swift. Ns don't have a lot of patience. Most likely your NM is walking around thinking to herself "Well, we showed HER!" and pretending that SHE is ignoring you, not the other way around.

      Sticking to NC is the only thing you can do if you don't want to be embroiled in their drama because any kind of contact you allow simply opens the door (in the N's eyes) to sweeping in and taking you over again. Set your boundaries, be clear on the consequences you will impose if she violates them, and then stick to your plan. And best of luck to you!

      Hugs,

      Violet

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  10. This blog has really helped keep things in perspective for me. I have tried a couple of times to go NC with my ignoring NM and engulfing Nsis. However I underestimated how far they would go to recruite flying monkeys in the rest of the family. I was unprepared for such a damaged reputation and the depth of shunning from the family I thought loved me. I always went back, albeit to a lesser form of LC each time. Now that I have had time to really plan my move calmly and with my eyes open, I accept that the flying monkeys are just addicted to drama. I am ready to make the proper break. I have changed my phone number, I am in the process of changing my email address. I am even considering moving house. My partner is on board. I'll keep you posted Sweet Violet! Thanks again

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  11. I agree with nearly everything you've written here, Sweet Violet - except for *one* thing: if the N-Person is likely to retaliate in such a way that you're going to be hoping that they'll do something so bad that the courts get involved, keep the letters and emails. Don't open them - or, if you do, have someone you can trust to not be a flying monkey and pass along anything irrelevant to keeping yourself safe (specific threats are relevant; diatribes against you are not) to be the one to go through them. Put any physical documents that are sent into a shoebox or a manilla folder and label it the "Just In Case" box - just in case you ever need it in court or to show the police, to prove that there's a history of threats. Emails from the N-Person can (and should) be shunted into their own separate folder; someone *not you* and *not a flying monkey* can go through them, if necessary, to pick out specific threats.

    If it weren't for the fact that, unfortunately, the N-Person might mention something in writing that can be pointed to as evidence for the judicial system to distrust them, I would heartily recommend deleting every email they send and burning any letters from them.

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I don't publish rudeness, so please keep your comments respectful, not only to me, but to those who comment as well. We are not all at the same point in our recovery.

Not clear on what constitutes "rudeness"? You can read this blog post for clarification: http://narcissistschild.blogspot.com/2015/07/real-life-exchange-with-narcissist.html#comment-form