I got this email (reproduced with permission) today and it says more than I can...
Just writing to give you a bit of an update on how things are going for me.
followed your advice and have been doing one hell of a lot of
journalling. My God, it HELPS!! Most of all, for me to lose my guilt
complex and see it was my crazy mother who had all the issues.
She'd blamed and SHAMED me for so many years.
I also elected to
go extreme LOW CONTACT, meaning sending only cards for mother and
fathers day, birthdays and christmas, and the occasional short
superfical email to let them know I'm okay and alive. NO PHONE CALLS (I
changed my phone number and made sure it's an unlisted number, and NO
I feel, not hearing her voice is really helping me to
get over all the lies about myself, she inculcated into me when I was
young. You know, that hearing her voice in your head, brainwashing
Dad has replied to just one email (I've sent two), and it
was just one line. Mother, who spends hours a day on the computer, has
sent nothing. (she's the ignoring type), so it's going to work well, I'd
say. She won't write, just on principle.
I only wrote those
emails, because mother complained to my sister that they'd not heard
from me and that my phone was disconnected. Then my sister wrote begging
me to call them and let them know I'm okay, saying mother was worried
about me. (yes, I can imagine mother telling her that, but then bitching
about me to dad afterwards)
I didn't phone, but I DID send a short email to let them know I was okay. A subsequent email, was then ignored. So, that was it.
It's all been very enlightening, and I've found out where everyone stands, in my dysfunctional FOO.
did tell my two siblings I was going LOW CONTACT. My Golden Child
brother sent me a frosty reply, telling me that he refuses to discuss
mother with me, as he can get along just fine with her. And that if I
ever mention her again, he'll refuse to comment. He and mother are both
very bigoted, so get along well together. I can't stand her long-winded
bigotry and racism, but he sticks up for her and says "She's probably
right, you know". So yes, they probably would get along well.
have come such a long way, Violet, and was braced for his reply, no
longer having any expectations of him. Reading your blog about the
Golden Child, helped to me understand my brother alot better. So, I'm no
longer disappointed or get hurt.
I can't really afford
therapy, so virtually subsisted on your website's advice, and have since
read "When Will I Be Good Enough", and have ordered "People of the
I can virtually sort exactly where each member of my FOO is at, and what to anticipate from each of them. This really helps.
father is the quintessential Enabling Father and mother's Flying
Monkey. His allegience is totally to her. I realise now, that he just
sacrificed me to her, when I was young.
My brother is the
selfish Golden Child, whom mother has always indulged and he is above
criticism, no matter what he does. It's eerie to me now I see how many
of her attitudes he has absorbed. He's very haughty.
have been the scapegoat and mother made my life a pure misery (she was
the cruel kind), but maybe being the scapegoat has it's good points. In
that I could see through her bigotry and hatred (she hates people and
says contemptuously that "most people are stupid".), and resisted her
efforts to teach me the same. She used to get so furious when I'd stick
up for people and wouldn't go along with her bigotry. NO ONE is allowed
to disagree with her or have their own opinion.
Anyway, the long
and the short of it is, I am in a much happier place. Just NOT hearing
mother's voice, her mocking me, belittling my feelings, saying really
cruel things to me, has done me the world of good.
I know you
don't ask for thanks, but THANK YOU, Violet. And I'm so grateful that
you did not take your website down. I would have been so disappointed.
It's been an absolute God send to me. (no, I'm not religious. Did all
that when I was young, but I consider myself spiritual these days, not
religious. Don't like churches. Had enough control, in my life).
still journal, but it's tapered off a bit now. I cried through a lot of
it, had nightmares for weeks, but I'm through the worst of that. (it's
hard to relive such a childhood and teen years with a Malignant
Narcissist Mother). Harrowing. Over 70 foolscap pages of hideous
memories, in all the gorey detail.
But I'm a brighter better place now.
The most powerful thing I got from your blogs, was....I HAVE CHOICE!!
Once this really hit me, I found my power!!!! And I stopped feeling guilty about doing LOW CONTACT. (I'm almost No Contact)
Are you journalling yet? Why not?
It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.