It is difficult to deal with a narcissist when you are a grown, independent, fully functioning adult. The children of narcissists have an especially difficult burden, for they lack the knowledge, power, and resources to deal with their narcissistic parents without becoming their victims. Whether cast into the role of Scapegoat or Golden Child, the Narcissist's Child never truly receives that to which all children are entitled: a parent's unconditional love. Start by reading the 46 memories--it all began there.

Tuesday, September 17, 2013

Journalling works! A reader writes...

I got this email (reproduced with permission) today and it says more than I can...

Just writing to give you a bit of an update on how things are going for me.

I followed your advice and have been doing one hell of a lot of journalling. My God, it HELPS!! Most of all, for me to lose my guilt complex and see it was my crazy mother who had all the issues. She'd blamed and SHAMED me for so many years.

I also elected to go extreme LOW CONTACT, meaning sending only cards for mother and fathers day, birthdays and christmas, and the occasional short superfical email to let them know I'm okay and alive. NO PHONE CALLS (I changed my phone number and made sure it's an unlisted number, and NO VISITS.

I feel, not hearing her voice is really helping me to get over all the lies about myself, she inculcated into me when I was young. You know, that hearing her voice in your head, brainwashing stuff.

Dad has replied to just one email (I've sent two), and it was just one line. Mother, who spends hours a day on the computer, has sent nothing. (she's the ignoring type), so it's going to work well, I'd say. She won't write, just on principle.

I only wrote those emails, because mother complained to my sister that they'd not heard from me and that my phone was disconnected. Then my sister wrote begging me to call them and let them know I'm okay, saying mother was worried about me. (yes, I can imagine mother telling her that, but then bitching about me to dad afterwards)

I didn't phone, but I DID send a short email to let them know I was okay. A subsequent email, was then ignored. So, that was it.

It's all been very enlightening, and I've found out where everyone stands, in my dysfunctional FOO.

I did tell my two siblings I was going LOW CONTACT. My Golden Child brother sent me a frosty reply, telling me that he refuses to discuss mother with me, as he can get along just fine with her. And that if I ever mention her again, he'll refuse to comment. He and mother are both very bigoted, so get along well together. I can't stand her long-winded bigotry and racism, but he sticks up for her and says "She's probably right, you know". So yes, they probably would get along well.

I have come such a long way, Violet, and was braced for his reply, no longer having any expectations of him. Reading your blog about the Golden Child, helped to me understand my brother alot better. So, I'm no longer disappointed or get hurt.

I can't really afford therapy, so virtually subsisted on your website's advice, and have since read "When Will I Be Good Enough", and have ordered "People of the Lie".

I can virtually sort exactly where each member of my FOO is at, and what to anticipate from each of them. This really helps.

My father is the quintessential Enabling Father and mother's Flying Monkey. His allegience is totally to her. I realise now, that he just sacrificed me to her, when I was young.

My brother is the selfish Golden Child, whom mother has always indulged and he is above criticism, no matter what he does. It's eerie to me now I see how many of her attitudes he has absorbed. He's very haughty.

I might have been the scapegoat and mother made my life a pure misery (she was the cruel kind), but maybe being the scapegoat has it's good points. In that I could see through her bigotry and hatred (she hates people and says contemptuously that "most people are stupid".), and resisted her efforts to teach me the same. She used to get so furious when I'd stick up for people and wouldn't go along with her bigotry. NO ONE is allowed to disagree with her or have their own opinion.

Anyway, the long and the short of it is, I am in a much happier place. Just NOT hearing mother's voice, her mocking me, belittling my feelings, saying really cruel things to me, has done me the world of good.

I know you don't ask for thanks, but THANK YOU, Violet. And I'm so grateful that you did not take your website down. I would have been so disappointed. It's been an absolute God send to me. (no, I'm not religious. Did all that when I was young, but I consider myself spiritual these days, not religious. Don't like churches. Had enough control, in my life).

I still journal, but it's tapered off a bit now. I cried through a lot of it, had nightmares for weeks, but I'm through the worst of that. (it's hard to relive such a childhood and teen years with a Malignant Narcissist Mother). Harrowing. Over 70 foolscap pages of hideous memories, in all the gorey detail.

But I'm a brighter better place now.

The most powerful thing I got from your blogs, was....I HAVE CHOICE!!

Once this really hit me, I found my power!!!! And I stopped feeling guilty about doing LOW CONTACT. (I'm almost No Contact)

Are you journalling yet? Why not?


  1. Thank you for all of this. Over the last week I've read every entry in your blog, and this more than anything else has shown me something I was afraid to acknowledge--that my mother is a narcissist, that she can see something as 'loving' without it truly being so, that all these miserable habits and anxieties and inner beliefs don't just come from my own inadequacy as a person. Thank you, thank you so much for putting this all out there, for putting into words all these feelings that so many people like me have never understood before. Now to start journaling and see what happens.

  2. Thank you so much for posting your blogs. They are so informative and insightful. Up until a few months ago I had no idea what was going on with my mother...I just thought she was cruel and selfish...but now I understand it is so much more than that. All of the patterns and abuse have become so clear to me now but it is so true how very few people understand what this disorder is about nor how it affects others.


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