Your destiny is in your own hands

Last year I received an email from a woman I will call “Jane.” Jane was desperate to emotionally break away from her narcissistic mother and had happened across my blog in her search for assistance. She wrote to me and I wrote back.

This morning, nearly a year after her initial contact with me, I got another email from Jane detailing her progress. In only a year, Jane has gone from the depths of despair and desperation with her malignant narcissist mother to a feeling of confidence and being in control of her own life. She has hope, she has a sense of achievement and she looks forward to her future with a happy heart. She is a testament to what a person can accomplish, even with a malignant narcissist for a mother and an enabling father. And she’s no mere girl either: I receive mail all the time from women in their 50s and 60s who think they are too old to start the process, that their lives have been wasted and they have no future. But Jane was 53 when she first wrote me and today, at 54, she is looking forward to her future.

I thought you all might want to see just what kind of results you can achieve in only a year when you become determined to take control of your life and start acknowledging that you have other choices than the ones you have made to date. With Jane’s permission, I reproduce our correspondence below.

13 August 2013

Hi Violet,

Firstly, I love your site. I was going to go on another site and even order their books and CD's, until I looked further and saw your website, and read to avoid that site. Thank heavens! So thank you already, for that.

My name is Jane, and I am now 53 years old. My mother has been emotionally (and physically) abusive to me, all my life. Especially when I was a child. She had a violent temper that she was proud of, and bragged that it always got her her own way. In her eyes, I could do nothing right, and every day she'd rant and rave that she wished she'd never had me and she hoped one day that I'd have a child like me. I had NO self confidence and was timid. In short, I was terrified of her.

Every time I got a little self confidence she start running me down, and she'd pound it into me that I was a horrible person on the inside, nobody liked me, and that she knew me better than anyone, even myself. She'd say this over and over again to me, when I tearfully protest that I am a good person. She'd push me down the stairs, yelling to me, over and over again, that I was incapable of love. She was always telling me what a cold unaffectionate person I am, but she'd never hug me. I used to sit on my bed at night, at 15 yrs of age, and rock and cry, aching to be hugged. She'd come into my room, and see me, and be angry and yell at me for it.

And if we ran into family friends, when out shopping and she'd stand there running me down to them, whilst I'd just look at the ground and cry. I remember once, watching my tears dripping onto my shoes. I felt crushed.

She tried to sabotage my wedding day (deliberately) so there would be no bridesmaid’s dresses a week before my wedding, and insulted my firstborn child, at the hospital. Everything that's ever been precious to me, she's tried to ruin it for me.

I had serious surgery when I was thirty, and she refused to come and see me at the hospital. (no one can be sicker than her, so she said I had surgery just to get attention.)

If she said something inappropriate to my children and I asked her to stop, she'd get huffy, walk out and sit in the car, facing the other way, waiting for dad to come and drive her home.

After my surgery, I had complications and was very ill for months after, with post op infections. All she'd do, was ring me up, trying to break me down, to try and make me admit I'd "ruined my life" having the surgery, saying "Admit it! Admit it! Admit it!" Until, sick and overwhelmed, one day I finally collapsed at the other end, in tears. So, then she really went for it, doing it even more, until I was absolutely distraught! (I've seen her do this to other people, as well, over the years.)

I'm now 53 and divorced, and it's still no better. She's a bully. But if I try to set boundaries and try to stand up to her, she tells my father that I was horrible to her, and then he's cold towards me. Dad's always protected mum, even though he knows what she's like. We all have to tiptoe around mum. He expects us not to upset our 'poor mother'.

To this day, she phones and has goes at me, bringing up what an awful child I was, and I always feel guilty, though I don't know what I've done wrong, so can't defend myself. I say nothing, because if I do, she gets angry, turns cold and says nastily, "Talk to you in 6 months", then doesn't talk to me for months, and dad is then upset with me. What I get from him, if I try to talk to him about it is, "What's your poor mother done now?"

You see, it's always MY fault. Then when I call, he's cold towards me.

But her cruel digs at me (always about my childhood) screw me up for days after, with all the unfairness of it.

As for dad, I think "What about ME? When do I matter???"

When my mother verbally abuses others, she always feels justified and says with satisfaction, "They knew how I felt".

I'm afraid of her, and hate visiting, because one day I might be welcome. Another day I might have the door slammed in my face, with no idea why. Or she simply isn't talking to me, and after sitting there in silence for a while, I finally leave. (again, no reason is given, why she does this).

I rarely visit, anymore.

When I was a child, she used to say to me, "I love your father, and if he leaves me, it will be all your fault!"

And I couldn't bring friends home, as she'd humiliate me in front of them, telling them how horrible I was. (I was 12, at that time). My friends would apologise to me later, for getting me into trouble. And I'd say sadly, "No, she's just like that."

I'm having a hard time today, like so many days. In tears, at some more recent unfairness from her. I'd been very nice to her a week ago when she was sick (I'd felt sorry for her, and been tender to her, and even put up with her biting my head off), and instead she told dad I'd been horrible to her. Then she told me that she'd told him. But I hadn't done anything wrong! Once again, I can't say anything as dad will take her side, and I'll be the bad one.

My fear of losing dad's approval, is something she holds over me.

She's a bully that bullies and then runs and hides behind him. He never defended me when I was child. He'd hear her screaming at me, but hide behind his newspaper. He said to me once, when I went to him in tears, "If she's picking on you, then she's not picking on me."

She gloats about what she gets away with.

Please! I am absolutely desperate. I feel like I have no voice! Also, in recent years, she has completely re-written the past, and tells us all what a wonderful mother she was to us, and dad stands there and says nothing. This is also accompanied by what a rotten child I was (my sister gets this treatment, too).

For my sister and me, it breaks our hearts and we feel frustrated and angry and powerless. We both copped it when we were young, but I copped it worse (I was the eldest and by far, her favourite scapegoat. My sister copped it more, after I left home. ). My brother recently asked me how come it never messed me up. Well obviously it did.  That he'd always wondered how I'd survived. So do I.

I had a nervous breakdown at 16, and was sent to live with my aunt, because my mother said she couldn't stand me. And yet, I stayed out of her way, I hid in my room and tried to be invisible, as the very sight of me, enraged her. My aunt was so kind to me. I cried the first night, because I was so overwhelmed with how kind everyone was to me.

My aunt said to my mother, "I don't know how come you have so much trouble with her. She's so quiet."

I used to do the housework and try to please her, but she'd narrow her eyes at me, and say "I know what you're doing and you'll never make me like you."

I joined a church youth group at 17(that sense of belonging probably saved my life), and I talked to the pastor about her. He kept telling me to just try and get along with my mother. He finally met her one day and sat down and chatted to her and she began running me down. I don't know what she said to him, but he changed his tune after that, and said to stay away from her as she was evil. Strong words, for that pastor.

I want to have a voice. I want to be able to set boundaries with her. I want to get her negative words out of my head. But dad will turn on me and coldly reject me if I stand up to her. Please help me. I am utterly desperate.

13 August 2013

Dear Jane—

I have a question for you—why does your father's approval mean anything at all to you at this point? Can you not see that he is squarely in your mother's court—he is her ally against you? You focus all of your angst on your mother, but from what I read, he is no less a tormenter than she is, the only difference in it being she is assertive and he is passive aggressive.

I am going to tell you a truth you do not want to hear: you are never going to win the affection or approval of either of them because their game involves tormenting you to feel good about themselves. You cannot change anyone but yourself, so nothing you can do or say will ever change either one of them. She is the attack arm, he is the supporting troops and both of them are against you, not just her.

Your NM sounds just like mine and your EF (enabling father) sounds like my GC Brother. My parents divorced when I was young and my father was not an enabler or narcissist, so I at least had him. But you do not...you have a mother like mine and a father who supports her because it suits him to do so.

You want to believe that somewhere deep down inside, they love you...or at least he loves you. Ask yourself this: is this the way people treat those they love?

You don't want to believe they don't love you, they've never loved you, because you think that if that is the case, you must have done something horrible to make your own parents hate you and you not only cannot remember what you did, you don't want to know and have to live with the guilt.

Well, after 50+ years of a mother like yours (mine did me one favour in my life: she died fifteen years ago), five years of intensive therapy, and 20+ years of applying that therapy, I have come to one very significant conclusion about people like our mothers and your father: their animosity towards you has absolutely nothing to do with anything you ever did. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Zero. Their pathological behaviour and twisted, unnatural feelings about you have nothing whatsoever to do with you—and it has everything to do with them.

Think about it this way: suppose somebody gave those people a little puppy—8 weeks old and full of love and tail-wagging happiness. Now, let's suppose they neglected and tormented that puppy until it was a sad, neurotic dog that snapped at people. And then they blamed the dog because he snapped at people and they got rid of it. What would you think of those people? Would you blame the puppy? What did that puppy do wrong to deserve being ignored and neglected and abused? And even if it peed on the rug a few times—it is a puppy—it doesn't know any better and it was their job to train him and teach him how to behave.

You are that puppy. Something is wrong inside the psyches of the people who brought you into the world and instead of viewing you as a precious gift, they viewed you as a victim upon whom they could take out their aggressions and twisted view of the world, a way to make themselves blameless for their own inherent evil.

You need to see a therapist, someone who has experience in helping people who come from abusive households. Don't think of it as a few visits, think of it as your new hobby because extricating yourself from the denial you still have with respect to your father is going to take time and you really won't make much headway in dealing with your NM until you get honest with yourself about him. They are a team...he is not your ally, he is hers. He helps her to hurt you—in fact, I would not be surprised to learn he is the primary narcissist and she acts as his Flying Monkey. It took me five years of therapy to gather the tools and insights to continue without a therapist. I can tell you from personal experience that was worth every hour I spent and every tear I shed to get that horrible woman out of my head and become my own person instead of her disappointing daughter.

You have the same opportunity but it isn't a magic wand kind of experience...it takes time and it takes dedication and commitment to yourself and your own well-being. It worked for me and there is no reason whatsoever it cannot work for you as well.

3 August 2014

Dear Violet,

I'm not sure if you'll remember me. But I wrote to you a year ago and at the time. I was at the end of my tether with my malignant narc mother.

So much has happened since then, and your advice, both via email and on your site, has changed my life.

The single biggest help, was journaling and going NO CONTACT and reading your blogs.

I was also in my umpteenth relationship with a very selfish egotistical man, who'd lie and cheat on me and break my heart, and really play my emotions when I'd try to leave. After reading on your site about how scape-goat daughters can get stuck in these bad relationship cycles, I finally understood, how I was just trying to get these men to love me, the same way I'd tried in vain to gain my mother’s love. I also tended to need these men, to 'mother' me. And in their own way, they did. Only, just like my mother had, by being emotionally unavailable.

I was so starved for a bit of love and attention, I'd accept these scraps. Yet strangely, when good men came along who did want to commit to me, I'd feel so much pain and I'd push them away. Something in me, was reacting to it.

As for my father, he was so remote, I can't even identify with father figures at all. I always sought a mother.

Well, it's a year on, and I've done so much work on myself! It's still on-going, of course. But I have come so far.

I'm now in a loving committed relationship, with a really good and decent and kind man.

Three months ago, I resumed low contact with my mother, which, to be honest, I regret. (I listened to the wrong advice, there.)

Nothing had changed with her, but I was amazed, after 9 months of not talking to her on the phone, just how toxic she really is. It was quite a shock, after months of just talking to normal people.

Of course, she hung on the phone and got bored and got nasty and had a nasty dig at me about what an 'awful' child I was, and how she'd never wanted me, blah, blah, blah.

But this time, I just silently stepped back from it and thought "These aren't my issues. These are your issues."

I never said a word, or tried to fill the silence or defend myself. I let the silence just sit there between us. Eventually she got frustrated because I wouldn't respond, and in exasperation, she changed the subject.

I was in control! :-)

But I did regret resuming contact, and realised I'd made a terrible mistake and let myself down. So, I have at least, since then, made sure it is low contact. I call only once every 4 to 6 weeks, and talk only for 10 minutes and I'm off again (she hates this). But if we talk more often than that, it always goes badly, and then it takes me weeks to get over it, as it resurrects lots of bad memories for me.

If she plays up on the phone, I end the call even sooner.

A year ago, my brother wasn't very supportive of me, even though he knows what mum is like. But after I went no contact, and my sister went low contact (I shared a lot of stuff I learned with her), mum started picking on my brother, (the golden child). Boy, he sure changed his tune, and was writing to me for support, because mum has to have a scapegoat, and now he was it.

He has a little seven year old daughter, whom mum shows no warmth towards, (typical of her). The child is terrified of mum. He wrote this to me recently,

Last time I was up, mum gave me one of those intent stares and said " I don't want anything to do with my grandchildren" .

He also wanted to visit the parents, but they weren't interested.

You were also right Violet. My father is very much teamed up on mum's side. I've lost all my illusions about my father. He doesn't love me. Never did. A year ago, that was painful to me. Now it isn't.

Violet, you cannot imagine how much you have changed my life. All 54 years of it. All the pain and false guilt (from my mother), and destructive relationship patterns, and even the lack of self-esteem, (from mother constantly running me down). Everything has changed for me! Life is wonderful, and I go out and feel good about myself now.

You don't say stupid things like "Oh, try to get along with your mother," (which is a cruel thing to say to anyone with a narc parent) You don't insult our intelligence, and play down the damage these narcissists do. When my mother is being emotionally cruel, she smirks and enjoys every minute of it.

They mean to be cruel. It feeds them.

I just want to thank from the bottom of my heart.

Jane