It’s a bitch, growing up the scapegoat in a household headed by a narcissist parent. In addition to all of the other trouble we have to deal with, we are denied the opportunity to know what a healthy relationship feels like, how it feels inside to interact with emotionally healthy people, and how to recognize them when we find them. Worse still, we too often reject eminently suitable potential partners because we do not emotionally respond to people who don’t push our buttons.
This, of course, is of little assistance to
us in finding emotionally healthy partners and engaging in fulfilling
relationships. It is well known in psychological circles that the victims of
abuse often find themselves replicating their original abuse dynamics with new
partners, acting out the drama over and over again. But I don’t think very many
of us do it consciously…I don’t think many of us say to ourselves “Oh, now
there’s a guy just like my abusive mother…let’s see if I can change him into a
loving, caring partner…” But on the subconscious level, that’s just what a lot
of us do.
Why? Well, I think there are a couple of
reasons. First of all, there is that feeling of familiarity, the recognition of
his behaviours which give you clues as to how you are expected to act, react,
behave, and feel. We are all creatures of habit, after all, and just like a
song or a scent can invoke feelings of warmth and comforting familiarity, so
can the behaviours of others. Secondly, I think that we subconsciously recognize
the similarity to our childhood abuser(s) and hooking up with this person
offers us an opportunity to engage the abuse and “get it right” this time. What
“right” means is as individual as we are and could mean anything from
prevailing over the abuse to somehow getting the abuser to have some compassion
and empathy to us to even retaliating against the abuse. Whatever the
definition, the whole premise of the relationship is unhealthy and
pathological.
Emily Yoffe, writer of the “Dear Prudence”
column on Slate.com says “…it’s a strange psychological quirk
that people often unconsciously end up re-creating the situation they are
seeking to escape. It is sadly common for people raised by abusive parents to
find themselves involved with abusive partners…Of course you want to run away
from your childhood and the people who populated it. But without exploring what
happened to you, you may find yourself running around a track and ending up
back at the starting line. You want to feel you’re moving toward something good
in life, rather than forever fleeing the bad.”
Some of us are lucky (or subconsciously
wise) and manage to find healthy partners in spite of our own dysfunctions.
Unfortunately, I think people like that are in the tiniest minority and even
they still have to deal with dysfunctional people in other aspects of their
lives. Most of us, however, tread a treacherous minefield in seeking a partner,
a minefield of our own subconsciousness and lack of awareness. And all too
often we end up back at that starting line…
How do you find a healthy relationship with
an emotionally healthy partner if you don’t know what it feels like or looks
like and you seem to be attracted to people who end up bad news? Marni Battista
(CPC, MA),
who bills herself a dating coach, recently published an article entitled “6 Signs that he is ‘Mr. Boyfriend Material,’”and had the following to say: [my comments in violet].
1. He is truly in a place where he
feels confident and secure in his ability to provide. Men are
typically most confident, secure, and ready to be in an exclusive long-term
relationship when they feel “settled.” They have spent time building their
career and have the time available to invest in a relationship. They are
financially secure. Remember, men who are not in this place in life are still
worth dating; they are just not likely to be good candidates for a long-term
partnership. If you are dating someone who is still climbing the ladder to
emotional maturity and financial security, you will likely need to be extremely
patient as he moves through these phases of manhood.
Basically, if the guy
can’t support himself, he’s not a good bet for a long-term relationship; if he
is only marginally self-supporting, he’s not a good bet for a long-term
relationship; if he’s in a low-paying career, he can’t or won’t hold down a job
for very long, if his lack of a job is somebody else’s fault…he’s not a good
bet for a long-term relationship. Are there exceptions? Yes. Is the guy you’re
eying one of those exceptions? Given our unerring proclivity for picking the
wrong kinds of guys, probably not.
You are not a
one-woman rescue mission. Your job in life is not to shore up some guy’s
sinking self-esteem, to motivate his lazy ass, to be the patient, loving,
uncritical other half…that is his mother’s
job…or it was while he was a kid. Now it is his
job to motivate himself and make himself into a secure human being able to
provide well for himself and his (eventual) family. You don’t have to settle
for less, so why even waste your time dating men who don’t meet the most basic
criteria for self-care? (Rhetorical question: we waste our time on men like
this because it distracts us from working on our own issues…)
2. His words match his actions. A
man who is capable of a long-term relationship has integrity, and as a result
his words and actions match. He will call when he says he will call. He will
ask you out a few days in advance. He will follow through on the promises he
makes. This is one of the most crucial signs a man is ready to be your
boyfriend. If his words and actions match consistently, it is clear he is ready
to play in the big leagues—possibly with you.
Augh! This was my big
bugaboo! He’d say something nice and do something rude and I would believe the
words…and excuses…and lies. I felt guilty if I didn’t, like I wasn’t trusting
him. I felt I owed him the benefit of
the doubt. Guess what? I was wrong!
I was so stuck in
this, my therapist actually had to say to me, in blunt language, “If his words
don’t match his deeds, believe the deeds…they don’t lie.” Any many who
habitually says one thing and does another is not to be trusted…and no healthy
relationship can exist without trust.
3. He doesn’t play games. He
doesn’t apply the “Three-Day Rule” to the women he dates, wait twenty-four
hours before returning your phone call, or “vanish” to draw you into his world.
When he is interested in pursuing you, he will let you know in an appropriate
way. Conversely, if you play games with Mr. Boyfriend Material, he will
politely decline the opportunity to get to know you, and dismiss you as
possibly immature, or worse, “psycho.” Don’t over-text Mr. Boyfriend Material
with idle chit chat messages. Be gracious, kind, and authentic, because Mr.
Boyfriend Material is attracted to a confident woman who, like him, is past
playing games.
This is addressing
his authenticity: not only does he not play juvenile, manipulative dating
games, he doesn’t play the kinds of games you find in Transactional Analysis
books…no manipulation at all, just straightforward (but not rude, crude, or
insensitive) communication.
Yes, we have to make
allowances for personality types…some guys tend toward shyness and reticence,
others are more outgoing. But regardless of personality types, if he is being
manipulative, using pick up lines, ignoring you to see how you will react or
overwhelming you with too much too soon, the smart move is to move on. He’s not
the last man on the planet, you know…
Too often, we succumb
to a feeling of desperation and think this one guy is our last chance for love
and then make unwise moves as a result. First of all, no man at all is better
than one who manipulates, abuses, or ignores us. Secondly, until we love
ourselves enough to become our real selves (not the love-starved survivor of a
narcissist), just what kind of man are we going to be attracted to…or attract?
Emotionally healthy people tend to be put off by the emotionally needy because
they want a partner, not a responsibility. So, in our own desperation to find
love and be love, we actually drive away the very people who would be best for
us. If you aren’t in a good place emotionally, find yourself a therapist and
get there…then start looking for a
boyfriend.
4. He knows how to express his
feelings directly. Mr. Boyfriend Material will not manipulate you with
silence or criticize or judge you. When he has a need, or feels like he must
discuss something pertaining to the relationship, he does not hesitate to bring
it up. He will also be honest in telling you when he needs to spend time with
his friends, needs to work, or wants to go to the gym. He will expect you to
respect his needs and not see his independence as rejection.
Like everything else,
there is a balance needed here. Direct communication is not rude or
insensitive, although sometimes it can be hard to hear (and if we are
hypersensitive to criticism or implied criticism, we may hear insensitivity or
criticism were it does not exist or was not intended). Showing your insecurity
through clinginess, monitoring him (his phone, email, location, time on his
own, etc), constantly checking in, sulking or being hurt when he wants time to
himself all are relationship killers. Conversely, if he spends a lot more of
his free time alone with the TV or his video games, or in the company of his
buddies than with you, then there is a message in his behaviour that you should
be listening to.
Too often we
“reinterpret” what people say to us, including people we love. A message that might
be painful when taken directly can lose its sting when we reinterpret it: “He
didn’t mean that,” or “He’s just reacting to a bad day,” or “That’s his mother
talking, not him,” or whatever we tell ourselves to avoid hearing the real
message. It is important not only for him to express his feelings directly, but
for us to really hear him when he
talks to us and not reinterpret his message to be more palatable to us.
5. He is single. This one
may seem like a no-brainer, but it’s worth mentioning that a man who is worth
your time is not in a relationship, going through a divorce, or in a
relationship with someone who “just doesn’t seem to understand him like you
do.” As a result, he is emotionally available to pursue a relationship with
you. He does not have to hide you until the divorce is final, “call you later”
under the guise of running an errand, or meet you in a hotel, his art studio,
or at your place because he hasn’t yet moved out of the home he shares with his
partner.
This is important for
a number of reasons in addition to those cited above, especially for us. We are
groomed from childhood to be victims, to be passive and wait patiently for
whatever crumbs will fall from the table for us. Less-than-scrupulous men whose
relationship attentions are otherwise engaged just love us…we are ready-made, pre-programmed playtoys! We so want to
be loved, we will put up with anything, believe anything, forgive anything,
just to believe we are. We make the ideal “other woman” because we are trained
to wait…and wait…and wait some more, and to live on hope. And there are a lot of men out there who will take
advantage of that.
We avoid being
exploited by such men by absolutely refusing to get involved with a man who is
already emotionally involved elsewhere…and that includes men who are separated
or going through a divorce, and men who have recently experienced a breakup.
Allowing yourself to be the other half in a rebound relationship is a
guaranteed one way trip to heartbreak. And if we happen to find the man we are
dating has lied to us and he already has a wife/girlfriend/fiancée/live in
female that he did not tell us about, we accept no excuses or explanations, we
cut our losses and move on.
Why? Because a man
who lacks integrity in the dating stage will not suddenly find it when he
becomes your official boyfriend/fiancé/husband. He will still be a man who lies
to you when it serves him to do so. The old saw about “if he will cheat with
you, he will cheat on you” is absolutely correct because it means this is a man
who has a mindset that says “it is ok to cheat under certain circumstances” and
he gets to choose what those
circumstances are, when they have arrived, and whether or not you deserve to
know.
6. He does not expect any kind of
physical intimacy sooner than you are ready.
While Mr. Boyfriend Material finds you
incredibly attractive, he does not expect you to kiss him at the end of the
first or second date and he does not expect you to have sex with him until the
time is right, once you two have gotten to know each other and determined that
you’d like to advance your relationship to the next level. What’s more, if he
does angle for physical intimacy early on (say, after the third date, for
instance), he won’t mind if you refuse. In fact, he will most likely apologize
profusely, respect you immensely, and be impressed by your self-respect, dating
dignity, and confidence—all huge turn-ons.
This is something we
need to get a grip on…not just him pressuring you for intimacy too soon, but us feeling the need to “clinch the deal”
by getting him into bed (surely I am not the only ACoN who has ever felt/done
that, am I?). It has to do with respect and boundaries.
If he respects your
boundaries, he won’t pressure you. If he respects you, he won’t pressure you. And if you respect him and the
possibility that a real, lasting relationship might be possible with this man,
you won’t rush things, either. Emotionally healthy people are not interested in
the needy and desperate…and rushing things may be interpreted as just that.
Rather than planning the wedding after your first date, maybe you can slow
things down and just learn to enjoy his company, spend time observing him and
how he handles things, and discovering what kind of person he is. If you take
your time and you are honest in your observations, you may discover he wants to
control you, change you, or remake you into his fantasy of the ideal woman…and
that would be a guy to jettison. The time to start fantasizing about your
wedding gown is when he pops the question, which shouldn’t be after dating for
just a few short months.
Some of you may be thinking “yah, but this
is just about picking a boyfriend,
not a husband. Why should we have such high standards?” Well, the vast majority
of husbands (and ex-husbands) were, at one time, introduced as “my boyfriend.” My
husband introduced himself to my coworkers as “her [meaning my] boyfriend.” Achieving
boyfriend status is the first step on the path to husband status, so why let
unsuitable candidates even step on the path? If he won’t make a good provider,
if he doesn’t treat you with respect, if he is immature or plays emotional
games…why do you want to associate with him in the first place? Because you are
afraid he is the best you can do?
Well, if you think that way, then consider
this: every night you spend with a man who belittles you, denigrates you,
invalidates and disrespects you, mooches off you, lies to you, is a night you
are not available to meet a man who would love, respect and care for you.
When you pick a partner, shouldn’t it be
someone who is actually good for you just the way he is?
